Unwilling routine - Book summary

[Amber]

• Gerrit is angry with Simone and drags her to an empty room where there is no one cursing loudly. He pushes her with her back against the wall. He is standing right in front of her, against her, with his fists clenched to the left and right of her ears against the wall. He is bent over her, screaming loudly in her ear. She is stuck and has nowhere to go, there is no end to his screams. Inside she is panicking, outside she is shocked. She doesn't care what he says, she just wants him to be done. Nothing comes to her anymore, she doesn't react to anything and stands like a statue, but one from which thick tears drip. She barely dares to breath. Not reacting, makes Gerrit even angrier, but she just cannot respond anymore, she can only shut down to protect herself. Her brain has a short circuited, her body is blocked. "Goddammit," he screams loudly in her ear. She hears the sound of his fist pounding hard against the wall beside her ear. Gerrit sinks to his knees until he is squatting on the ground in front of her. He grabs the other hand with one of his hands, makes a soft moaning sound, and then continues shouting insults at Simone. Then he gets up and storms out of the classroom, cursing loudly. Simone stands frozen against the wall. She hears someone coming toward her and panics. Crying, hyperventilating, and completely confused, she runs to the restroom and locks the door behind her. Marja is banging on the door from the other side. "Open up!" she shouts angrily. "For god's sake, open that door! Gerrit needs to go to the hospital and it's your fucking fault!" Simone is too afraid to open the door, but Marja keeps banging and cursing. The longer she keeps the door locked, the angrier Marja becomes. Eventually, she opens the door anyway. "How the hell could you let it come to this! Gerrit has to go to the hospital, and you get your way." Simone is very confused by these words. Why did she get her way? How can Marja think of her like that? Marja is the only human factor in her life. She has such a huge need for an adult to put an arm around her and tell her that everything will be okay. Something cracks in Simone.

 

[phoenix7]

I have been wondering what on earth the financial arrangements were. I wonder if Simone's parents really weren't paying or if that was just to make her uncomfortable?

 

[Amber]

Knowing Gerrit it was just to intimidate her but TBH I am not sure about that. gerrit was being paid by the club that hired him in Germany, earlier in the Netherlands he was first paid by Wilskracht, that Simone and Vanessa were members of. later he was being paid by the Dutch gymnastics federation as the junior team coach. when this played I was too young to be interested in the financial stuff. i don’t even know if Stasja paid for her membership of Turning Spirit, I know my parents sure did, and they were not cheap

 

[Amber]

• Simone is focusing on the upcoming important competition, an international one: The Delta Sport Cup in Zierikzee, which is also a qualifier for the Junior European Championships, the next goal. The competition goes smoothly, and although she makes a major mistake on the uneven bars, she easily comes in first and even beats the Russians. The next day, articles about Simone appear in all the national newspapers with headlines like "Heitinga Masterful" and "Simone Heitinga, a Class Apart." Simone reads one of the articles, it says: Gerrit Beltman has never seen Heitinga perform such a strong competition. "She has achieved her first goal: qualification for the Junior European Championships. We train 36 hours a week; now people in the Netherlands will probably claim this is child abuse again, but does she look bad or does she not enjoy gymnastics? Simone finds it strange to read this. Her first goal? Simone doesn't think in goals; she just does what Gerrit orders her to do. And 'enjoying gymnastics?' Simone wonders if really nobody notices that she is utterly unhappy and absolutely does not enjoy gymnastics? She feels so powerless, another piece of her crumbles away again. She still prays every evening for a serious injury.
• The Youth European Championship is approaching. Gerrit makes strict schedules with 41 hours of training per week. On some days, Simone trains three times. She has one day off per week, and a travel day during which she spends eight to ten hours in the car on the way to the Netherlands, a competition, or to a training camp, unfortunately counts as a day off. Meanwhile, she is increasingly experiencing back pain, and the pain is becoming more intense. After having trained intensively for several weeks, she can barely walk normally anymore, so she has to tell Gerrit. She tells him while they are in Romania for an international competition. Gerrit decides to withdraw her as a precaution, as more important competitions are coming up. Once back in Germany, she just has to continue training, as the Youth European Championships are soon approaching.
• Before the Youth European Championship, they are going to a training camp in Kienbaum. It feels like she’s going to a penal camp; for the next eight days, she will not leave this area. Because this is a training camp, her usual free Saturday is canceled. So she doesn’t have a single day off in two weeks. Her whole body is overloaded, everything hurts, and she is extremely tired. Her mind isn’t fully in it, but she has to keep going. When she has to do a handstand press on two parallel bars, she collapses down, landing on the tips of her toes, which bend on the concrete floor. Crack! Simone and Gerrit hear it. He is angry and takes Simone to a separate room so the physiotherapist can examine her. He says her toes are bruised. He gives her a bag of ice to put on her painful toes. "Do you realize that you are putting your participation in the Youth European Championship at risk?" Gerrit says angrily. "Stay sharp!"
• The problems with her back are getting worse. The jumps she has to make are hardly possible for her because of the pain. At every take-off and landing, she feels sharp pains. It is not a dull pain that she could potentially push through. These are strong stabbing pains, and sometimes she collapses through her left leg. Gerrit therefore decides to remove her double screw on floor exercise from her routine. The pain persists; every training session is a path of suffering. A day before they leave for the Junior European Championships in Geneva, Gerrit takes her to a doctor. She has to partially undress and lie on her stomach on the treatment table. "Just point to where it hurts," Gerrit says. She rubs her hand over her entire back and left hip. "Around here," she says. She doesn’t know exactly where the pain comes from; everything hurts. Suddenly, she feels something sharp in her back, the doctor injects something! She is terrified; she doesn’t even know what he is injecting, he could have at least told her that! What was that? She asks Gerrit when they are outside again. "An anesthetic."
• During the podium training in Geneva, it becomes clear that the anesthetic hasn't helped at all. It is torture for her to do her floor exercise. Vaulting also hurts tremendously. She can barely walk down the little stairs from the podium without pain. With every step with her left leg, she feels a sharp pain. However, she tries to keep her face composed. She knows Gerrit gets angry if she shows how much pain she is in. One more step, she steps with her left leg and feels an intense jolt of pain and collapses through her leg, yet she tries to keep her face composed. "Do you have to walk down the stairs again with such a stiff face?" Gerrit thunders. "Do you have to, for god's sake, show everyone how pathetic you are? You are negatively affecting your position with the judges! What could they possibly think of you?" Gerrit is also extremely angry at her because he thought her floor exercise didn't look good. But despite the enormous pain, Simone tried her very best. On the morning of the competition, the physiotherapist comes to her room to treat her. She can hardly get out of bed because of the pain, but she will have to. She just hopes that the physiotherapist has miracle hands. He massages her for over half an hour, but there’s nothing else he can do for her.

 

[Amber]

The Youth European Championship

• The competition begins, Gerrit has set his sights on a final spot on the uneven bars. Simone is very nervous, and to conserve her energy, she asks Gerrit to prepare the top bar for her. The light turns green, and Simone presents herself to the judges and begins her routine. During the routine, she notices that the high bar is very slippery; she has to do her utmost to avoid slipping off. She should have prepared the bar herself—this is really her own fault. Because the bar is so slippery, Simone cannot gain enough momentum for her dismount, a double straight somersault. On landing, she falls forward, goodbye final spot. She does make the final on the floor exercise, even now that they have removed several elements due to her injury. Simone is frustrated because this means she will have to perform her routine again the next day, in a lot of pain.
• After the European Championship, Gerrit finally takes her to a doctor. The X-rays reveal that she has a slipped vertebra, and it is uncertain whether she can continue with gymnastics. Simone is advised to rest for a month and then return to discuss how things are going. Silently, Gerrit and Simone drive to Ter Aar. Once there, Simone gets out. "I'll see you in a month," says Gerrit and drives off immediately. Suddenly, Simone has time to sleep in, eat chips, play outside, and just be at home with her family. Wonderful!
• The month flies by, and before Simone knows it, Gerrit comes to pick her up again, off to Germany. They step into the gym. The smell of magnesium and sweat makes Simone think of stress and anxiety, and she starts trembling immediately. Meanwhile, Gerrit also trains younger German girls who spend their days in tears and with blisters. Simone feels sorry for the young girls; they are not used to this method of training. Even during the first session, it becomes clear that her back has not improved. In all the exercises she has to do, the pain is just as intense as a month ago. After about 10 days, they go back to the doctor. "You have to stop" is the doctor's conclusion. A shock runs through her body; she has waited a long time for these words, and it almost feels unreal. A great weight is lifted from her shoulders. However, Simone feels sorry for Gerrit; after all, he has invested eight years in her. She doesn't dare to show how happy she is. Simone is confused and suddenly notices that tears are streaming down her cheeks; she can't stop crying. It feels like a release, now she wants to get away as quickly as possible, go home, before the doctor changes his mind. Gerrit and Simone are back in the car on their way to Ter Aar. They don't say anything to each other. The entire way, Simone just looks out the window. When they arrive, Gerrit says nothing and drives off immediately. With trembling legs, Simone walks inside, tears streaming down her cheeks again. Her father looks at her in shock. "What's going on?" She can't answer, gasping for breath, crying with relief: a release of years of stress, high tension, fear, and panic.

 

[Amber]

Stasja (1993-1994)

• The feeling that Stasja wanted to quickly work on her comeback is completely gone; she doesn't want anything to do with gymnastics anymore. Otto assured her that she is very welcome to train at Turning Spirit, and he even offers to help find a high school, but she isn't interested. The only thing she wants is to lie in bed in her room, alone. Four weeks later, Otto calls again. 'If you want to continue with gymnastics, you'll have to start now, otherwise it won't happen. You do want to work on your comeback, right?' When Stasja hangs up, she is sure: she wants to do gymnastics again, improve, and go back to school; she needs to get her life back on track. Immediately, she dives into her closet looking for a nice leotard. Stasja goes back to the gymnastics hall, and she’s still looking forward to it. On her crutches, she walks to the tram stop, off to Osdorp, off to Turning Spirit. When she arrives, Otto jumps around her neck, "I’m so glad to see you, welcome girl." It feels good to Stasja that he reacts so enthusiastically. She can’t do much during the first training sessions yet, but she is working hard on her strength program given to her by the physiotherapist to regain strength in her legs. Her right leg has become very thin, there is little strength in it. At the next check-up, the physiotherapist is very pleased; he says that Stasja will soon be able to walk without crutches if the doctor agrees as well.
• Otto knows a good school in Amsterdam-Zuid where the dancers of the national ballet also go to school. They know how to deal with top athletes. Even though she is not very eager to go back to school, she knows it is mandatory. Otto offers to go to the school together to enroll her and meet the principal.

One month later

• Stasja's life is getting a bit more structured again. She goes to school and trains every evening. After training, she jumps into the swimming pool next to the gymnastics hall and then swims another 50 laps to rebuild her stamina. Four times a week, Stasja goes to physiotherapy, and she no longer needs her crutches. Her legs are getting stronger, and in consultation with the doctor, she is allowed to put more strain on her legs. Stasja finds everything is going far too slowly. "Patience is a virtue," Otto always laughs whenever Stasja gets angry again because she is not allowed to do more. "Your time will come." Sometimes I find him really too nice, because elite sports are tough. Can she reach the top again with Otto and Claudia? Gerrit often said that they don't know what elite sports entail. Fortunately, the recovery is progressing quickly. All the elements that Stasja mastered before her injury are coming back quickly. "Maybe you'll even be able to participate in the national championships," Otto laughs; these are in four months.
• Stasja is on her way to the OLVG hospital for a check-up of her hip. She has to go there every four weeks. Stasja is always a little afraid that the doctor will say she has to stop gymnastics immediately. However, he is satisfied. "How are you doing?" he asks. Stasja says it couldn't be better. She indeed no longer has cramps in her hips. The pain in her groin is still there, but she says nothing about it. The doctor takes her right leg and carefully rotates it to the left and right. It hurts quite a bit, but Stasja doesn't flinch. Stasja asks if she can participate in the national championship in four months. The doctor laughs, "You are such a go-getter, but I can't decide that yet." Stasja wants to know from him when he will be able to make that decision. They agree that she will make videos of everything she does during practice and bring them to the appointment in four weeks.
• At Turning Spirit, Stasja says that the doctor is very pleased with her recovery. "How wonderful to hear," says Claudia. Stasja wants to increase the load a bit and wants to start jumping again. She is immediately told that this is not going to happen. She stands with her arms crossed and looks angry, just like a princess who doesn't get her way. Otto says he wants to discuss this with the physiotherapist first. Stasja becomes very angry about this and walks out of the gym, grabs her things, and leaves. "If you still have such a bad mood tomorrow, please stay home," Claudia calls after her. The next day, after school, she goes straight to the gym. Otto and Claudia are happy to see her. "This week, we will all meet with the physiotherapist to make an action plan. We will gradually increase everything in training in consultation with the physiotherapist. We will film everything and take it to the appointment with the doctor. Claudia and I will go with you, is that a good plan?" asks Otto. Stasja agrees.

Positive decisions

• Stasja is on her way to the hospital again. Four weeks ago, during her appointment, she showed all the videos to the doctor. He was very surprised at what she could already do with her leg. This time, she also needs to bring videos. The doctor will probably decide today whether she is allowed to participate in the National Championships in a month. From the excitement, she vomited that morning. Mama, Otto, and Claudia are going to the hospital with her, everyone is in a good mood. Stasja doesn’t understand that good mood, so much is at stake! After half an hour of waiting, Stasja is called in. The doctor looks at her X-rays and the videos. "Now you probably want to know if I give permission to participate? I think it is safe for you to take part; I can see how well your hip is recovering despite the intense training, so I believe there is no reason why you shouldn’t participate in a month." Stasja jumps up with joy and gives the doctor a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you!" she shouts. After the appointment, they go for lunch. After lunch, Otto asks if she wants an ice cream. Stasja finds it quite strange, a trainer asking if she wants an ice cream? She shakes her head. Not because she thinks this is expected of her, but because she doesn't want an ice cream; she now snacks much less than when she was still training with Gerrit. At Turning Spirit, Otto tells everyone that Stasja is allowed to participate in the Dutch Championships. All the gymnasts clap their hands and congratulate her. Stasja is overwhelmed by all the nice reactions. She is sure that Gerrit would find this completely nonsense, this joy from everyone, but secretly Stasja feels really good about it.
• "I called the federation and indicated that the doctor has given you permission to participate in the Dutch Championships," says Otto just before training. "However, there is a problem: you didn't qualify because you didn't compete in the preliminaries. They will discuss whether they can and want to grant you an exemption, so we have to wait a little longer." Stasja cannot imagine that she would not be allowed to participate; she feels as if the ground is being pulled out from under her feet and she is falling into a deep hole. The federation keeps her in suspense for over two weeks, and only two days before the competition do they give the green light. So Stasja only has two days to mentally prepare, but that doesn't matter to her—she's going all out! She is not yet back to her old level, but she is good enough to participate and show that she is on the way back. The thought of seeing Gerrit again horrifies her; she does not know how to react to him. After the training, Claudia walks over to her. "Where was your head today?" she asks kindly, running her hand over her back. Stasja tells her that she is dreading seeing Gerrit again. "You don't need to worry about that, you have nothing to do with him anymore. By the way, I wanted to tell you that Simone isn't competing in the National Championships, I just heard that. She has seriously injured her back and I think she's even going to quit." Claudia says that she feels very sorry for Simone, but Stasja reassures her, she is actually very happy for Simone; finally, she has a reason to quit, and she probably won't mind at all.

 

[Amber]

The competition

• When she gets up, she can think of only one thing: today she can become the best in the country. Since she turned 14 on March 27, she is now allowed to compete with the seniors. As she walks into the competition hall, many little girls run up to her—she is still popular. The first event is vault. When Stasja walks forward to perform her vault, all the television cameras are focused on her. She is not nervous; Claudia and Otto have told her that she has already won just by being able to stand here. They are right, and she also feels strong, so there is no reason to be nervous. To her great delight, her handspring somersault with a half turn goes perfectly. Otto and Claudia clap as hard as they can. Her uneven bars routine also goes perfectly, while her competitor Wyke Karten makes a big mistake on this apparatus. Stasja continues to pull ahead but doesn’t want to celebrate too early; her balance beam routine is still far from stable. You have to train the most on this apparatus; this is also where she suffered the biggest setback due to her injury. On the balance beam, she then makes a big mistake by falling on her forward summersault. She is not satisfied and also does not receive a high score. She watches Wyke with anticipation. She also falls off the beam. Stasja is really looking forward to her floor exercise, her last and favorite event. She does not expect to make any major mistakes, although she does have a moment of nervousness when she sees Marja on the jury. Everything goes perfectly, and as her routine is nearly finished, a feeling of happiness washes over her. Everything comes back: her father's funeral, the injury, the rehabilitation. And now she is performing her floor exercise at the Dutch Championships, who could have thought that! When the routine is finished, the audience goes wild; some people even stand up! The championship is won, she is the Dutch Champion!
• The next day, Stasja also has to compete in the apparatus finals. As she walks into the arena, her heart skips a beat; Gerrit is there. Stasja wins the gold on floor and vault, and she is satisfied with it. When she shows her medals to her mother, she hears someone whistling. It is a familiar sound, very familiar indeed, it is Gerrit's whistle. She turns around and Gerrit extends his hand. "Well done, Kohler, congratulations." The compliment means a lot to Stasja; somehow, she still has a soft spot for him.

 

[Amber]

Oklahoma City

• "Stasja, if you want, you can still make your dream come true and go to America," says Otto at the beginning of the training. "I spoke with Steve Nunno, and he said that you are more than welcome to come train with him in Oklahoma City in preparation for the 1996 Olympic Games." Steve Nunno is the coach of Shannon Miller, who recently won gold at the World Championships. Steve and Shannon were also at the American gymnastics gala. "Steve remembers you well and sees a lot of potential in you," Otto adds. To Otto, she says that she would love to go to Nunno; she feels she won't get further here. They only train here once a day, which is really not enough to reach the world top. Otto further says that sponsors will need to be sought to cover her stay. "Let's start with that right away then," Stasja says enthusiastically.
• Not even a month later, a sponsor comes forward. Henk Oudt, director of Steenkorrel B.V., had seen Stasja on television and was immensely impressed by her story. He wants to sponsor Stasja for her stay in America. Two days later, Stasja receives an official invitation to have dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Oudt to discuss further details. Fortunately, the dinner goes smoothly. Henk and Tiny Oudt are very kind and emphasize that they are happy to help make her dream come true. They don't expect anything in return, only that the name of Steenkorrel is mentioned in the media occasionally, and only if there is an opportunity. "We don't need to be in the spotlight," Henk adds. "Of course, when you go to America, you need to look absolutely perfect. Shall we go shopping together with your mother next week?" Tiny asks. Of course, Stasja is happy to agree to that.
• In October 1994, Stasja flies to America. She still can't believe it. Otto picks up Stasja, her mother, and brother to go to the airport. Otto, Claudia, and two gymnasts from Turning Spirit (Mirian Hamawandi and Babette de Bont) accompany her to America for the first two weeks. At Schiphol, the whole family is there to see Stasja off, and there is also a camera crew present; they are also going to America to make a documentary. After a 12-hour flight, Stasja sets foot on American soil, and it feels unreal. At the Dynamo gymnastics club, before going inside, she first looks through the large windows; from the outside, you get a good view of the gym. She sees that around 100 girls are training and that the gym is incredibly large. On the big windows, it says "Dynamo Gymnastics, where Olympic dreams come true." Stasja is moved by this phrase; she hopes that her Olympic dream will surely come true here!
• Stasja, Claudia, Otto, Miriam, and Babette walk inside, followed by the camera crew. Steve Nunno immediately approaches them. "Hey Stasja, I remember you, how are you?" Steve asks as he shakes her hand. In her best English, she replies that she’s doing great and is very excited to train with him. "Jenny! Come over here and meet your new roommate," Steve shouts. A tiny blonde girl with blue eyes and braces rushes over to them. "This is Jenny," Steve says. "She just became the junior champion, and you’re going to live with her and her mother; they live close to the gym." Jenny shakes Stasja’s hand and smiles kindly. "Nice to meet you," Stasja says. World champion Shannon Miller is quietly training in a corner; she is injured. Stasja realizes that starting tomorrow, they will be teammates—she goes to the same gymnastics school as the world champion, incredible! On her first night in the land of unlimited possibilities, Stasja cannot fall asleep. Many thoughts race through her mind, will she enjoy it here? Will she succeed? Will she make any friends? For hours she listens to music on her discman. The next morning she unpacks her suitcases. She looks for a nice spot for all her personal belongings.

Alone in Amerika

• After two weeks, Claudia, Miriam, Babette, and Otto leave for the Netherlands again. Stasja finds it terrible that they are leaving. The past two weeks have not gone very well. The training sessions are not going as she wants, mostly because her hip hurts. She is also very apprehensive about going to school soon, a school where she doesn't know anyone. Stasja starts to cry hard as they are about to leave. Deep down, she really wants to go back to the Netherlands with them, but that is not an option. She decides to stay in America and do her absolute best to make the most of it. Twice a week, her mother sends a letter via fax. Peggy or Steven enthusiastically deliver the letters she receives from her mother. At first, Stasja was embarrassed because her mother wrote so often; she still thought that gymnasts were supposed to have little contact with their parents. That is definitely not the case in America. Fathers and mothers are even welcome during the training sessions. So knowing that, if her mother sends her a letter, it makes her feel good! She loves reading about how things are going at home. With the letter in her hand, she runs to the blue couch next to the little office and plops down, reading the letter with a big smile on her face.
• The pain in her hip is getting worse. School is also going badly. A week ago she had a test and she is sure she messed it up; it's not easy to receive lessons in English. Often she doesn't understand what is being said. Still, she has a lot of fun on the weekends. Stasja has become friends with Megan, a gymnast from Dynamo. On weekends, Stasja often stays over at her place, and after Saturday training they go eat Chinese food at one of the large shopping centers that Oklahoma City has. All gymnasts wear a blue jacket with the club's name on the back. Almost everyone in Oklahoma City knows that if you wear such a jacket, you are a top gymnast; at the Chinese restaurant, they are always so happy that we eat there that we often don't have to pay. After shopping, she usually calls her mother. This time she has some good news: Stasja has been nominated for Amsterdam Sportswoman of the Year. The awards ceremony is just before Christmas. That means that Stasja can attend the ceremony as she is flying back to the Netherlands for the holidays.

 

[eanda]

@Amber, thank you so much for doing all of this. It's just heartbreaking to read the details of the physical and emotional pain Simone and Stasja were under at such a young age. In some ways it seems almost like an addiction, with them wanting to find a way to quit but not being able to. Several of these books have these difficult elements, but something in this one is just hitting me at a different level.

 

[Hatsumomo]

Here, the abuse is in your face and not sugarcoated: a coach picking a child up by her neck, deliberately spitting in her face, slapping and kicking her, and actively isolating her by taking her to another country to live and train. It's also directly coming from Simone and Stasja years after the fact so they have a greater understanding of how fucked up it all was, and they give insight into their thoughts and feelings. Whereas Kerri Strug's book was written soon after Atlanta without the benefit of years of introspection and adult understanding. Shannon Miller's book was written by her mother, also shortly after Atlanta, and you know there was a bias baked in so as not to make her (Claudia) look bad (to her).

 

[phoenix7]

Here, the abuse is in your face and not sugarcoated: a coach picking a child up by her neck, deliberately spitting in her face, slapping and kicking her, and actively isolating her by taking her to another country to live and train. It's also directly coming from Simone and Stasja years after the fact so they have a greater understanding of how fucked up it all was, and they give insight into their thoughts and feelings. Whereas Kerri Strug's book was written soon after Atlanta without the benefit of years of introspection and adult understanding. Shannon Miller's book was written by her mother, also shortly after Atlanta, and you know there was a bias baked in so as not to make her (Claudia) look bad (to her).

Yes, and while it's tough to see the American children's parents complicit in the abuse, overtraining and carelessness with injuries, Simone and Stasja seemed so alone and isolated from their families, so young. Terrifying.

 

[Amber]

In Amerika again

• After the holidays Stasja flies back to Oklahoma City. Things are not going well. Her hip starts hurting so much that she cannot sleep at night, especially the pain in her groin is horrible! One day when she gets out of bed she notices that her hip is very swollen, it looks like there is a tennisball hiding in her hip. Before training starts Stasja shows her hip to Steve. He won't allow her to train like that. " We will have a docter look at it tomorrow" Steve says. The next day, her leg is not so swollen, but that changes when she tries to jump a little. Immediately, the tennis ball reappears. The doctor thinks that the steel plate in her leg is causing irritation, and that her body is rejecting it. After consulting with her mother, Stasja decides to return to the Netherlands so she can be examined by her own doctor. Stasja doesn’t mind going back to the Netherlands; in this way, she is forced to, and she doesn’t have to make the decision herself. So after seven months, Stasja temporarily says goodbye to her American friends. She has promised to return when her leg is better, but deep down she knows she will not come back. Her gymnastics friends gave her a Janet Jackson CD as a farewell gift. She listens to it on the plane with a big smile on her face. She feels free. Her feeling tells her that she is done with gymnastics, and for the first time, that doesn’t scare her.
• Two days later, Stasja can see her own doctor. He confirms that the plates are causing irritation. He sees no problems; the plates can be removed without any issue since they serve no function anyway, and it is only a minor procedure. After the operation, Stasja stays at home for weeks; she does not feel like going to Turning Spirit. She is unsure of what she wants—whether to continue gymnastics or to stop. Otto calls to ask if she will come to training, and just like last time, he manages to persuade her. So, that same evening, Stasja is back at training. She realizes that she can actually still do everything, and she decides that it is not yet time to stop gymnastics. Two months later, Stasja decides that she no longer wants to return to America. Otto makes it clear to her that she would then have to go back to school.

Face to face with Gerrit

• Gradually, Stasja is getting back into a routine in her life. She goes to school and trains five evenings a week at Turning Spirit. "In three weeks, the Amsterdam Championships are on the schedule, a great chance to show yourself again," says Otto. At the competition, everything goes perfectly; she feels like a fish in water, and it's clear: she is not done with gymnastics yet. At the National Championships for club teams, she finds herself face-to-face with Gerrit after a long time. He is no longer a coach in Stuttgart but is now the head coach of "Strength and Friendship" in Opmeer. "Hey Kohler monkey, how are you?" he asks kindly. "I heard that you are back in full swing, impressive," he compliments her. Stasja is over the moon; she is glad that Gerrit still notices her and gives her a compliment, something he doesn’t do for everyone. The competition goes excellently; her team does not win any prizes, but Stasja has the highest score of all the gymnasts who participated. After the competition, Gerrit comes back to her, gives her a firm handshake, and says, "Well done, Kohler."
• When she gets home, she can't get Gerrit out of her mind; even his compliments keep echoing in her head. She thinks about what it would be like to go back to him. Would she regain her old level with him? She is convinced of that, and that is what she wants most of all: to become as good as she used to be before her injury. "I want to go back to Gerrit," she tells her mother the next morning before going to school. Her mother is used to her coming up with ideas out of nowhere and then not dropping them. In the evening, Stasja calls Gerrit. Her whole body trembles. "I want to train with you again," Stasja says. Gerrit is silent for a moment. "I can’t decide that alone; I’ll have to discuss it with the club," Gerrit says curtly. "We’ll keep in touch." Sadly, Stasja hangs up; that’s not what she wanted to hear. Her mother wants to console her but Stasja denies her, fleeing to her room. Two days later, Stasja receives a phone call from Gerrit saying that he wants to talk to her the next evening. The conversation goes well, and Stasja is welcome to come train with him, although he still has a few things to arrange before she can actually make the move. On her way home, Stasja fantasizes about the international competitions she will participate in. She also thinks about Otto and Claudia; she will have to tell them that she is going back to Gerrit. They will understand, won't they? After all, she would stay with Turning Spirit until she was fit enough to return to America; she never said she would stay with them.
• "What are you saying now," shouts Otto when Stasja tells him the news. Claudia is also furious. "I could have understood if you wanted to go back to America, but back to Gerrit? After everything this man has done to you? After everything we have done for you? I really don't understand this, Stas," says Claudia. Stasja explains that she can reach the top of the world with Gerrit. "Oh, stop it, that man will destroy you. He has done it before and he will do it again." But Stasja doesn't want to hear any of it. "I am going back to Gerrit." Otto lets her know that she is no longer welcome at Turning Spirit. Stasja feels sad about it but believes she has made the right decision.
• After a week, Gerrit still hasn't called, and Stasja is getting discouraged. She decides to call herself, but she gets another trainer from K&V on the line. "Gerrit is not here, try again tomorrow." She tries again the next evening, still no Gerrit. Her fifth attempt to speak to Gerrit also fails. She does reach Marja. "The members of K&V haven't decided yet if you can train here, it has to do with your hip, they're afraid that something might happen in the gym and that the club could then be held liable." Stasja suddenly starts crying.
• Her mother tells her that Ivo Niehe wants to interview her on his talk show. He wants to talk with her about America, the period after America, her injury, and why she left Otto and Claudia. "Alright," says Stasja. But it later turns out not to be a good decision. She is portrayed on the broadcast, where Claudia and Otto are also present, as someone who will go to any lengths. 'How can you abandon these people and decide to go back to your old coach?' asks Ivo. Stasja makes it clear that she can reach the top again with Gerrit, that it feels different with him. Ivo doesn't understand, no one understands her, but Stasja doesn't care about that, as long as she understands herself.

 

[Amber]

Ok a note in between. I was training at Turning Spirit with Stasja at the time and I remember things somewhat different. At Nationals I was there when Stasja met Gerrit as we were on the same team. I did not understand her reaction to him. After nationals Stasja wanted to go back to Gerrit but in my memory there was some time between Stasja telling Claudia and Otto and her being denied access to the training. I remember being the only one still talking to Stasja, trying hard to understand that she wanted to go back but never really discussing it with her as she would just not allow anyone to question her decisions. I tried to just treat her like I always had and I think we were good teammates, I liked her and did not want to give her the cold shoulder as the other girls did. I also still travelled with her after trainings. The atmosphere during the trainings was tense, I think it was only a few days before she stopped training with us.
I could see that Claudia and Otto were hurt by her actions. They were her safe haven when she needed it the most and I can certainly understand their feelings, they did so much to get her back, I think it safe to say they saved her life by getting her to come training again, especially after her first surgery as she was heading straight for depression. They spent a lot of time and energy to pull her out of that dark hole.
The interview with Ivo Niehe was also very tense. I remember Claudia saying that Stasja was leaving because that is what she does, she leaves people. It was a tense time.

 

[QuietColours]

Very interesting to hear your perspective on that time as well, thank you

 

[Matilda23]

Re Stasja wanting to train again with Gerrit (after returning from USA). Stasja’s mother knew about Gerrit’s abuse at this time didn’t she?

 

[Amber]

She did know about what Gerrit had said about her being a ***** but not about the abuse as Stasja just never told her.

 

[Amber]

Stasja

• Weeks go by and Stasja hears nothing from Gerrit. One evening, Stasja gets lucky and manages to get Gerrit on the phone. "It’s not going to work, the club doesn’t want you," he snarls briefly. Then he hangs up, and Stasja lets her tears flow freely. After not being able to train for a few weeks, she also gets her period for the first time. She has now become a woman and knows that this means her gymnastics career is over because she is too fat and no longer a girl. She can still hear Gerrit's voice in her head: "If you have your period, you’re too fat to be a good gymnast."

Stanley

• When there is a competition nearby, Stasja decides to go and watch; she misses gymnastics and wants to soak up the atmosphere of a competition. In the hall, she runs into Nel, an older woman in her 60s who is known as an excellent coach. Gerrit also holds her in high regard. "Where are you training now?" Nel asks. Stasja explains that she no longer does gymnastics because she has nowhere to go. Nel looks at her in disbelief. "Typical Dutch, the best gymnast in the country has nowhere to go, this is really bad. I've just become a coach at St Mauritius in Volendam, I hope to see you there on Monday." Stasja is thrilled; she can't wait for Monday, until she can finally be back in the gym again!
• The first training is quite tough, after all, Stasja hasn't done anything for weeks. It makes her furious, but Nel reassures her. "You've been inactive for weeks, you can't expect to be able to do everything right away, it will come back. By the way, I'm going to make a whole new floor exercise for you, a new start calls for a new routine."
• "Do you still know Stanley Sliphorst?" asks trainer Ruud just before the training. Stasja is surprised, how does he know Stanley? Stanley used to train at Tonido too, and Stasja was head over heels in love with him. "Stanley is also coming to St Mauritius, when he heard that Stasja Kohler trains here, he couldn't wait to transfer as well." When she enters the hall, Stasja sees him standing there, but she doesn't dare say anything to him. They don't talk to each other for the rest of the week. Only at the end of the week does Stasja dare to speak to him. They immediately click again, and Stasja falls in love all over again. Stanley is also in love with her and for the first time ever, she has a boyfriend!
• The training sessions at St Mauritius are going well, Stasja feels comfortable, and her groin pain is also reasonably manageable. She gets along very well with Nel and Ruud, and her relationship with Stanley is going well too. In two months, there is an international competition scheduled, but the question is whether the gymnastics federation will give permission for her to compete for the Netherlands. Ruud recently had a conversation with the federation, and it became clear that Stasja will not be invited to join the Dutch team. The federation has indicated that they do not want to take any risks; they are very worried that something might happen to her hip. National competitions are not a problem since the club is responsible, but for international competitions, that responsibility lies with the federation. This is yet another setback; once again, Stasja has to wait and see if she will be allowed to continue gymnastics, which is very disheartening.

Who am I?

• "The Dutch gymnastics federation definitely does not give you permission to compete for the Netherlands," Ruud says at the beginning of training. Stasja had already been warned about this. Former gymnast Kirsty Pieters sued the gymnastics federation years ago because she had to continue gymnastics despite a very serious hip injury. Kirsty even ended up in a wheelchair; the federation doesn’t want to go through that again. Still, the news hits hard despite the warnings. She hasn’t yet achieved her goal of becoming the best in the world. Without competitions, training doesn’t make any sense anymore. Since she was five, her life has been closely tied to gymnastics. If she stops, she has no idea who she is. The only thing she knows is that she is 16, has a big backlog at school, and has a limping leg. Stanley supports her as much as he can. He advises her to get a part-time job and focus on her education. "There’s more to life than the gym."
• Two weeks after the news that she is not allowed to compete for the Netherlands, Stasja decides to quit. Once she has announced her decision, she quickly receives a letter from the gymnastics federation. They want to give her a dignified farewell and want to honor her during the upcoming Dutch Championships. Stasja is saddened by the letter, as it states in black and white that she is quitting gymnastics. It hits hard and feels so final. Her last international tournament is in Hungary. It is a club competition, so she is allowed to compete in it. She wins the competition by a wide margin.

 

[Amber]

Simone (1993-2012)

• In the first days after her gymnastics time, Simone is on guard; she doesn’t dare to expect too much yet. Every time the phone rings, she expects it to be the team doctor saying that she is allowed to do gymnastics again. As the weeks go by, her fear that Gerrit will suddenly show up at the doorstep fades. After three months, she finally allows herself to admit that she is free. She is out of prison! She throws all her leotards, medals, and trophies in the trash; everything related to gymnastics has to go. She never wants to set foot in the gym again. She spends her days in her room, lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling. She doesn’t want to do anything else; she needs rest, both physically and mentally. Her world is tiny.
• Simone goes back to school. She likes being around classmates again, even though it feels strange and the gap is wide. She is the only one who doesn't know the lyrics to the songs they sing along to, and she doesn't dare go to parties she is invited to. So she stays alone in her room, which feels safe. She has no idea how to have 'fun' or how to act 'enthusiastic.' She has little contact with her parents, who have their own problems; they are getting divorced. Simone stays with her mother. Soon her mother begins a new relationship with Bram, Stasja's old coach. Fortunately, he has nothing to do with the gymnastics world anymore. Not long after, Bram moves in with them, and things do not go well between him and Simone. Bram says she was not raised well, which is true, she didn’t really receive any upbringing. She had to do gymnastics and keep her mouth shut. Bram thinks Simone should sue Gerrit, but he also says he cannot help her because Gerrit is his friend.
• The eating disorder that has developed in Germany is becoming a serious problem. She wants to be as thin as possible and does not allow herself to eat anything. Per day, she eats no more than a slice of cheese, a mushroom, and four glasses of water. She cannot keep this up for long and has binge eating episodes followed by vomiting: Bulimia. She has completely lost control. She does not feel at ease with anyone, so she calls Stasja, who is the only one who understands her. She did visit Gerrit once more, but she was no longer interesting to him; he has new gymnasts to occupy his attention. That hurt, she feels abandoned by the father figure from her childhood.
• After obtaining her HAVO diploma, Simone starts the course to become a copywriter. After school, she always ends up hanging out in the pub and gets drunk. Simone thinks that everyone finds her strange; she still doesn’t know how to behave around others, and she has built a little wall around herself that no one can get through. People think she is distant and cold, but behind that wall is a small child yearning for understanding and love, though she doesn’t know how to handle it. She still struggles with communication and barely dares to say anything in public. During one of the drinking nights, she talks a little for the first time about her gymnastics experiences, just with a stranger. She tells him that her coach hit her. Nothing more. She is shaking all over and feels like a traitor. "What exactly did he do?" the man asks. But Simone can’t say anything more and runs to the bathroom. When she looks in the mirror, she sees red spots all over her face, so that is what happens when she talks about gymnastics? Maybe she's not exaggerating after all?

Simone 1999-2004

• At 19, Simone moved to Amersfoort, leaving her past behind. She discovers that life can be fun, that she is free, and that she can dance. She enjoys it to the fullest. At home, she often suffers from panic attacks, during which she tries to switch off her mind and focus on her breathing to counteract hyperventilating.
• During a holiday in Spain, Stasja and Simone start talking about their gymnastics past. They are now 21. As the conversation progresses, they gradually begin to realize that some things weren't quite right. A major revelation follows, and Gerrit falls from his pedestal. They talk through the whole night. Finally, they decide to give each other a hug. For the first time, they embrace each other gently. It feels awkward. "We should do this more often," they say to each other. Shouldn't it actually be normal to give a hug?
• As an intern at SBS Shownieuws, she gets the chance to go out and make a report about the show Quidam by Cirque du Soleil. She is captivated by the breathtaking, dramatic act of a girl performing a beautiful choreography high in the air on red, silky fabrics without any safety harness. She is mesmerized by the performance and the stunning music, fragile and elegant, feminine and sensual. How she would love to do that, but of course, she is far too old to even think about it.
• In Grand Cafe Vyssotski, she meets a sweet, handsome young man: Mychel. Soon they move in together in a cozy little house in Nijkerk with their gray tomcat Myno and a stray cat, Luna. It quickly turns out that Luna is pregnant, bringing baby joy into the house. With Stasja, she takes a belly dancing course; she loves dancing. She would most like to take classical ballet, but the doctor advises against it due to her back. Still, when Mychel watches football on the couch, Simone secretly practices ballet steps in front of the bedroom mirror. For the first time since she was seven, she feels a stable foundation again. Nevertheless, she still suffers from mood swings. One moment she is super happy, and not a minute later she can burst into tears. She is ashamed of this in front of Mychel, although she has no control over it. With all her might, she tries to enjoy life and approach everything positively. Inside, however, there is still so much uncertainty, sadness, and fear raging.
• In the meantime, Simone has graduated. At 24, she becomes the editor-in-chief of a glossy magazine. For her work, she is flown in by a private plane from Moet Hennessy and Louis Vuitton to Cognac, France, to be pampered in the Hennessy family's castle by celebrity chefs preparing a dinner with cognac. But the oppressive feeling that she has been carrying for so long, a deep-rooted sense of fear and insecurity, begins to get to her. Something had to change, or she would break down. Simone resigns from her job, and not long after, she decides to end her relationship with Mychal. She first needs to figure out who she is and what she wants out of her life. Radically, she takes a new direction and books a one-way flight to Barcelona.

 

[Amber]

Barcelona, Spain 2004 - 2006

• Simone has never been to Barcelona before, she doesn't speak Spanish, has no job, no home, and no savings. She felt very brave when she boarded the plane alone, but now she has to swallow her nerves. Her insecurity is accompanied by a sparkling curiosity about the world. Luckily, she quickly finds work at the Dutch company Philips. On her first day at work, she meets Anissa; together they share joys and sorrows and enjoy life in Spain.
• Simone starts having a lot of back pain again in Barcelona, and she often can't sleep because of it. When she finds herself awake once more, she thinks of the doctor who advised her against doing ballet. Suddenly, she is determined to take up ballet anyway, as she already has back pain—it can't get much worse. The next day, she immediately starts a beginner's course. To her surprise, she notices that the ballet exercises have a beneficial effect on her back. After just a few lessons, her back problems disappear. Through dancing, she can finally also express her intense, pent-up emotions, not with words but through dance.
• Simone comes to the realization that her escape from the Netherlands was an illusion. It doesn’t matter where in the world she is, the trauma is within her. Even in Spain, she wakes up daily with an intense feeling of sadness and fear. She frequently has nightmares in which she has to perform a gymnastics element under pressure again and again, but cannot succeed. More than once, she is awakened by her own tears. She is manic-depressive, trying to enjoy life as much as possible and make up for lost time. On the other hand, she often stares down from her balcony on the seventh floor, wondering if she should jump.
• One day, early in the morning, her phone rings; it’s Mychal. Her heart skips a beat—why is he calling so early? 'Your grandmother has had a stroke; it’s serious. If you want to speak to her, you need to come to the Netherlands now.' Simone takes the first flight to the Netherlands. At the airport, she is picked up by Mychal and Stasja. On the way to the hospital, her phone rings again; it’s her father. 'Have you heard the bad news? Bram has passed away.' Those words hit her like a hammer. Simone panics and starts to cry, and Stasja is also very upset. 'Where do we go first?' asks Mychal. They decide to go to the hospital first because her grandmother is still alive. After visiting the hospital, they drive to Ter Aar where her mother opens the door crying. They then head straight to the morgue where Bram lies in repose. Her mother has to identify him. It is horrible to see him lying there, it is so real, he will never come back. He was way too young.

Amsterdam 2006

• Simone decides to live in Amsterdam again. She registers with a foundation that provides dance lessons for professional dancers. Even though she is exhausted from stress and sleepless nights, she doesn't miss a single class. Eventually, Simone is invited to perform at Theater Bellevue. During the introduction round, everyone talks about the act they are going to perform. When it's Simone's turn, she bluffingly says, 'I have a belly dance act on pointe shoes.' People are surprised and wonder if it is even possible. At home, Simone immediately starts practicing, because she actually can't dance on pointe at all.
• Before and during the performances, Simone is extremely nervous; she is not used to performing and constantly feels like she could lose her balance at any moment. But even if she collapses on stage, she won’t let it pass unnoticed. Dressed in a white veil, she begins her performance. Her face is covered, with the focus on the pointe shoes she has painted red for the occasion. Halfway through, the classical music changes into cheerful belly dance music. Simone throws off her veil and shows her belly dancing skills while balancing on the tips of her toes. After the performance, she is approached by a man who offers her a drink. His name is Reint, and Simone immediately feels comfortable with him. Reint has a pleasant, calm energy, and it doesn’t take long before she falls madly in love with him. At the same time, she is completely exhausted. At night, she can't sleep a wink. The fatigue and her fluctuating emotions are taking a toll on her, and she ends up in the crisis service. Since her youth, she has been overexerting her body, and now her body refuses to cooperate. It no longer wants to do what she asks. She can only sleep, for weeks on end.

Amsterdam 2007

• Once Simone finally gets out of bed, she asks herself again: What do I want with my life? She knows she wants to be on stage, but how? "I want to join the circus," she tells Reint one evening. He laughs. "Do you realize how hard those people work?" He thinks she's joking, but Simone is serious. In a flash, she envisions Quidam's beautiful aerial act. "I want to hang in those red fabrics." "That's called aerial silk," Reint knows. Simone has never heard of it but immediately starts googling. Two weeks later, she has her first aerial silk class. The moment she touches the fabrics, she knows: "This is it!" For Simone, it's even better than ballet: dancing in the air, finally making use of all the hard training from her youth.
• If she’s not training or dancing, then she’s sleeping. Simone still hasn’t fully recovered from her burnout. She’s still very tired, she takes antidepressants, and weighs only 43 kilos because she barely eats. But every day she gathers her strength to train.

Amsterdam, spring 2008

• Simone now performs as an independent aerial silks artist. The TV program 'Friends from Back Then' finds what she does remarkable and wants to make a documentairy about Simone and organize a reunion with old friends. "Do you have any fun friends from back then that you’ve lost touch with?" asks the program’s editor. Simone thinks for a moment. "I used to have a close bond with a few girls I trained with." "Perfect! We’ll get in touch." They film in their old gymnastics hall in Alphen aan de Rijn. When she walks into the gym, she gets goosebumps. In the hall, she meets Wendy, Suzanne, Sheila, and her sister Vanessa. The reunion is supposed to be cheerful in front of the camera, but it isn’t really. There is a strange, awkward atmosphere. That’s not surprising, considering that after all these years, they are all back in the scene of the past. After the recordings, they start talking. "Suzanne, do you remember that during one of Gerrit's rage attacks you peed in your suit out of fear?" "Wendy, do you remember when Gerrit threw his slipper at your head and you had the imprint on your face?" They can’t be stopped anymore; an enormous release comes out. After this experience, Simone decides to write off her past.
• With her eyes closed, she evokes memories from the past. In tears, she relives frightening and sorrowful moments. Especially when she envisions Gerrit jumping over her sister and striking her multiple times in the face; she still hears the cries of fear echoing in her ears. In addition, she also relives the unresolved grief of her grandmother's passing and the lonely year in Germany.
• Stasja and Simone decide to talk to former gymnasts about their experiences. They want to compile the stories in a book and present it to the gymnastics federation. They talk with both the generation before and after them to see how the approach has developed. As expected, they come across heartbreaking stories, so they are talking about twenty years of gymnastics suffering, and they haven't even spoken to the current generation yet.

 

[Amber]

Amsterdam / Frankrijk 2008

• In the summer, Simone received an invitation from Cirque du Soleil to audition for a new show. The auditions are held in the fall in France. Simone decides to go for it. With her brand-new red lycra fabric, Reint and Simone drive to France. She is allowed to start right away and performs her act to music by Pink Floyd. Reint, who is a guitarist and composer, has fully adapted the music to her act. The casting director looks very happy with her performance. She asks if Simone would be interested in a duo act in the new show Dralion, should a spot become available. Simone is over the moon, just the idea that she could be considered for it! Reint and Simone continue their journey in France with a romantic vacation in a small snowy village in the south of France.

Tour through Germany and Switzerland 2009-2011 (Excalibur - The Celtic Rock opera)

• Large crane cameras fly over the audience. They precisely follow every movement that Simone makes high in the air, above the stage of a medieval open-air theater. As an aerial silk soloist, she fully immerses herself in the character of Morgan le Fay. The tones of the music from the orchestra, the band, and world stars like Alan Parsons make her body tremble with excitement. The overwhelming energy of the 7,000 spectators has a reinforcing effect. Their admiration is strongly felt, and Simone wants to give them everything, right down to the tips of her toes. The crowd rewards the performance with thunderous applause. They continue touring and perform in the larger arenas in Germany and Switzerland. During one of her solos in the show, Supertramp's John Helliwell plays a solo on his saxophone. This reminds Simone of the time when she and Stasja found distraction in his music in Gerrit's apartment. It's amazing that she is now performing with him. The shows, the traveling, and especially all the really nice people; life on tour makes Simone shine. She feels just like a mascot, everyone is so kind to her.
• In Stuttgart, the tour bus takes them to the city center on a day off. Suddenly, Simone feels anxious. These are the streets where she once felt so lonely and sad. For a moment, she sees through the eyes of a depressed, socially awkward, out-of-touch child. Luckily, her awareness quickly jumps back to the present. What a contrast to now; now she is free and can enjoy her life!

Cirque du Soleil, Montreal Canada, Summer / Fall 2009

• Simone has been invited by Cirque du Soleil to be trained as a trapeze artist over the course of three months. The thought that it might have similarities to her gymnastics days makes her hesitant. But in the meantime, Cirque du Soleil has approached Simone several times for different acts, which has made her increasingly curious to at least give it a try. Suddenly, she realizes that she won't let her past determine her future and decides to go for it! Once in Montreal, she feels like she's in a fairy tale; it's a world of its own like she has never experienced before. Her group of newcomers consists of people from all over the world: Russia, USA, Brazil, and many more countries. They all train for different shows but also prepare a final presentation. Every day they work hard, but they are also listened to. Simone doesn't hear anyone shouting; they are not belittled, insulted, or approached aggressively. Before the training, the coach even asks how they are feeling. If they say they are tired, things are taken slowly. They are treated like people, and a whole new world opens up for Simone.

Cirque du Soleil "Specials events" Globally from 2010

• Simone receives a link to the Quidam aerial silk act and is asked if she wants to give a similar performance. Does she want that? Absolutely! This is the act where it all began; she has always dreamed of performing the solo act. It never occurred to Simone that this dream could ever become reality. The first time she is allowed to perform is in Moscow, and the schedule also includes America, Kuwait, Spain, and Germany. During the shows, she feels the music, she is moved by the beautiful voice and energy of the singer Mathieu Lavoie, and she becomes one with the act. In this show, she feels at home; there is a good, happy atmosphere. She works with nice, kind, and enthusiastic people, and she feels fantastic! Cirque du Soleil changed her life!

Cirque du Soleil, Asian tour 2011

• Cirque du Soleil asks Simone to replace an injured performer in the trapeze group act. Simone is proud to have been asked and excitedly walks into the yellow and blue circus tent for the first time. However, when she is introduced to the five other trapeze artists, she immediately feels tension. A few of them are clearly not happy with her arrival. Simone had not anticipated this. Once on the trapeze, she feels terrible right away. The apparatus is static and very hard. The movements they make are very similar to the gymnastic movements on the bars. But worse, during training, several colleagues shout at her for everything she is doing wrong. The more they shout, the more afraid Simone becomes of making a mistake. The combination of the yelling, the gymnastic movements, and the performance pressure throws Simone brutally back in time. She shuts herself off more and more. After spending years trying to open up somewhat, she doesn’t feel like fighting this battle. She just wants to be happy, do the things she does with love, and share positive energy with kind people.
• "We need to talk," says Simone anxiously. Her colleague doesn’t look at her, something she has never done before. They have just performed the trapeze act at eight meters high. Now they are in the side tent, which also serves as a dressing room. Simone walks with her colleague to her makeup table. With her green makeup, she looks like a cute water nymph, but her black eyes shoot fire. As a newcomer, Simone feels cornered and wants to stay on her colleague's good side, but the hard truth must come out. Simone sits down next to her. "I don’t know what to do, you completely ignore me, even during the act. If our eyes accidentally meet, you look at me as if you want to kill me, how can we work together like this?" She looks at Simone angrily and won't stop screaming. They are in a tent, so everyone can overhear, quite embarrassing. Perhaps even worse is Simone’s reaction. Out of shock, she reverts to an old response pattern. She doesn’t say anything back, stands completely still, and stares at the ground. Tears stream down her cheeks. Simone wants her to stop screaming, to be quiet, but she just keeps going. As long as she continues to scream, Simone's defense mechanism seems to be completely overloaded. “Five minutes,” the stage manager announces. Simone gasps for air and quickly rushes to her makeup table to fix her smeared makeup. A British colleague walks past Simone and whispers in her ear, 'You really need to stand up for yourself.' To stand up for herself—Simone knows exactly where the reaction comes from. She looks at herself in the mirror; it's time to confront her past.