Chalked Up: Inside Elite Gymnastics' Merciless Coaching, Overzealous Parents, Eating Disorders, and Elusive Olympic Dreams

[QuietColours]

She never mentions Dobson and does say her parents were into Dr. Spock; also that her father counseled for family beds and against corporal punishment in his practice. (For the question on what kind of doctor he was, she said he did an endocrinology stint and then later that he opened a pediatric practice--no detail if it was general pediatrics or also endocrinology.) The threat of the belt was so frightening partially because he'd never threatened her with violence before.

My impression is that he was a very controlling person who always had to be right and was perfectly fine with humiliating someone else to prove that he was better than them, but not that he was someone who offered his family serious violence. I wouldn't be shocked if there were some slaps or being grabbed so hard it left marks that she didn't mention, but according to the book the kids were definitely not regularly spanked or beaten.

The family is Jewish.

Edit: The endocrinology stint was at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, so he was always focused on pediatrics, whether or not he continued with the endocrinology specialization

 

[Kittentoes]

There was a whole atmosphere of him though. He had tendrils out everywhere. He was an incredibly powerful activist, and broadcast all over. He influenced a lot of public policy.
My public school still had corporal punishment when I attended. Private school too.
In retrospect, I do see why it is so very hard for Gen X to speak up, and how some of this truly insidious abuse could just... flourish.

 

[Puffin]

There was a whole atmosphere of him though. He had tendrils out everywhere. He was an incredibly powerful activist, and broadcast all over. He influenced a lot of public policy.
My public school still had corporal punishment when I attended. Private school too.
In retrospect, I do see why it is so very hard for Gen X to speak up, and how some of this truly insidious abuse could just... flourish.

IIRC Dobson was also a paediatrician in California - he was a professor at University of Southern California

But you are correct that he had tendrils everywhere in "family values" lobbying organizations and think tanks such as Focus on the Family, the Family Policy Alliance, the James Dobson Family Institute etc etc

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 6

• Parkettes
  • As Jen's intensity amplified, so did her mother's commitment to enabling her success. She completely dedicated her time to securing the best coaching; chauffeuring Jen to workouts, ballet, and choreographers; and doing anything to create the circumstances for success
  • Attended a summer camp at Parkettes, a national training center with many elites and former Olympians, owned by Bill and Donna Strauss. They had had Gigi Ambandos, Heidi Anderson, and Gina Stallone as National and World Championship members, and they had Cindy Rosenberry and Nicole Kushner, ten year olds who were training for elite. They didn't compete lower ranked gymnasts–they trained without competing until they were ready to hit the elite scene
  • Parkettes learned to be competitors not by competing, but by training so hard they didn't know how to do anything but succeed
  • Parkettes team girls did exhibitions at the camp. They did double backs and triple twists on floor, BHS and flipping series on beam, double back dismounts off bars
  • Patrick, the assistant coach, taught the youngest girls, Cindy and Nicole. Cindy had curly golden pigtails like Cindy Brady, Nicole had a glamorous long, straight ponytail and olive skin like a little Cher
  • "Patrick admired them with an obsessive bent, drove them with an unyeilding ardor. He shrieked obscenities when they failed to perform, slapping their bare legs if they paused before attacking a skill. He also hugged them with a lingering, unabashed indulgence."
  • Patrick taught Jen's group during the camp. She wanted to impress him, but she feared him. Unlike Marty, he wasn't patient with tentativeness. So here she was without trepidation. Concerns about danger were nothing compared to dread of disappointing Patrick. While Rich was often frustrated with her, he didn't have Patrick's vehemence.
• University of Pennsylvania
  • Mother employed a dance coach to hone beam and floor routines. Janet Cantwell was a former elite and national team member in the late 60s and early 70s, who now coached at the University of Pennsylvania. They weren't a very good gymnastics team–at 10, Jen was better than all of them
  • The gym was old and run down with shiny, slippery wooden beams and bars, the floor wasn't sprung.
  • Went there twice a week for special gymnastics dance instruction. Taught her to bend her knees to bring her center of gravity closer to the beam, to make it easier to stay on, how to finish moves with grace, poise, flexibility, amplitude, and extension. Had Jen overextend her legs so there could be no question they were straight. Focuses on details that set regular girls apart from champions
  • Told her mother about another gym in Mount Laurel, New Jersey coached by Lois Musgrave, known for being kind but tough. She had two elites already, Suzie and Donna, and Janet suggested she could also train Jen
  • Janet wasn't as mean as Patrick, but Jen was afraid of her–her stern glare, her silence, and her obvious disappoint in mistakes inspired fear of letting her down. She believed if she gave into Janet's instruction completely, she would not disappoint her or her mom. Ignored her fears, her falls, her bruises and aches and pains and kept going. She would not find out what happened if she got angry.
  • It was also fear of her own disappointment
  • Between workout with Janet and workout back in Cherry Hill, her mother and Janet colluded as to what the next step would be, and how to transition her to Lois
  • Jen changed in the locker room, where adult women were also changing after swimming. Jiggly legs with varicose veins terrified her, and she wondered why they bothered weighing themselves–they were fat, they knew it, and the number wouldn't change that. She was relieved to go back to her mother and Janet and the world of clothed thin people
• The Best Little Girl in the World
  • Her favorite book at this time was The Best Little Girl in the World, a novel about young Kessa, a ballerina with a dangerous obsession to be thin. She purged, starved, and implemented all sorts of tactics to maintain a perfectly skeletal physic. It fascinated Jen, who was aware she needed to keep it a secret from her mother so she wouldn't ask questions
  • Jen underlined passages and folded page corners highlighting the paragraphs of self-loathing Kessa battled when she felt she didn't measure up to the other girls in her ballet class. She was afraid her mother would see it and pull back on the extra instruction, that her support could be interpreted as pressure by a child, and make Jen try life as a normal kid
  • But mostly she didn't want to worry her. She was afraid she would discover the astrisks in the page margins next to Kessa's tips on starving and purging (eat one pea at a time, use a toothbrush on the back of the throat)
  • Felt about this book like she'd later feel about Judy Blume's Forever.
  • She figured weight loss and starvation would be required to build on her successes. Regionals was one thing, but the girls on television all had perfectly carved bodies. She knew Kessa's anorexia wasn't for her yet, but someday

 

[QuietColours]

I also went and read "The Best Little Girl in the World." It reads like someone took the checklist of what makes someone anorexic as understood in the 70s, how anorexics reduce weight, and what therapy for anorexia looks like (with heavy emphasis on how unsuccessful it is and the 25% mortality rate of the condition, although this story has a happy ending). There was a ton of focus on how being sick made everyone care about the protagonist and got their lives to revolve around her, where previously she was the good, ignored, easy child. I'm not remotely surprised Jen found the book addicting, and it really is a "How to be anorexic" guidebook.

In terms of a story, it's not bad but it's very flat--it really feels like it was written from a checklist. I wouldn't recommend it for anyone who has any kind of struggles with disordered eating--it's very descriptive, with lots of techniques, different criteria you can measure your body on, and a lot of numbers. Ultimately, there's better YA eating disorder fiction out there these days, but I suspect this was one of the most complete and researched books at the time.

 

[IratePanda]

I also went and read "The Best Little Girl in the World." It reads like someone took the checklist of what makes someone anorexic as understood in the 70s, how anorexics reduce weight, and what therapy for anorexia looks like (with heavy emphasis on how unsuccessful it is and the 25% mortality rate of the condition, although this story has a happy ending). There was a ton of focus on how being sick made everyone care about the protagonist and got their lives to revolve around her, where previously she was the good, ignored, easy child. I'm not remotely surprised Jen found the book addicting, and it really is a "How to be anorexic" guidebook.

In terms of a story, it's not bad but it's very flat--it really feels like it was written from a checklist. I wouldn't recommend it for anyone who has any kind of struggles with disordered eating--it's very descriptive, with lots of techniques, different criteria you can measure your body on, and a lot of numbers. Ultimately, there's better YA eating disorder fiction out there these days, but I suspect this was one of the most complete and researched books at the time.

Yes, if I remember correctly, the author is a psychotherapist.

 

[KristyJ]

I also went and read "The Best Little Girl in the World." It reads like someone took the checklist of what makes someone anorexic as understood in the 70s, how anorexics reduce weight, and what therapy for anorexia looks like (with heavy emphasis on how unsuccessful it is and the 25% mortality rate of the condition, although this story has a happy ending). There was a ton of focus on how being sick made everyone care about the protagonist and got their lives to revolve around her, where previously she was the good, ignored, easy child. I'm not remotely surprised Jen found the book addicting, and it really is a "How to be anorexic" guidebook.

In terms of a story, it's not bad but it's very flat--it really feels like it was written from a checklist. I wouldn't recommend it for anyone who has any kind of struggles with disordered eating--it's very descriptive, with lots of techniques, different criteria you can measure your body on, and a lot of numbers. Ultimately, there's better YA eating disorder fiction out there these days, but I suspect this was one of the most complete and researched books at the time.

I believe that it was, in fact, written essentially to detail exactly what the disorder looks like. Nowadays people in eating disorder therapy also know not to publish this stuff because it can definitely be used like a checklist too, but they sure didn't realize that when thousands of us from the 80s and 90s were doing just that..... I feel like Jennifer calling the protagonist "Kessa" and never "Francesca" reveals some bias in that area, too-- spoiler here but "Kessa" was the name she assigned herself when she decided to give in to the need for perfectionistic control.

Honestly I feel like a lot of these things, either Jennifer is trying to write from the perspective she had at the time, or she still internalized a lot of the messages from the gymn world of the 80s. For instance, see how she describes her teammates who she deems less gung-ho-- as lazy, sloppy, desiring boys as though the dichotomy is slim, chaste, and hard-driving or lazy, sloppy, and laviciously slutty. I know this dichotomy was pushed in the 80s, and I get how easy it is to internalize it. I didn't notice this about the book on my first read through when it was published, likely because I'd internalized it (much to my detriment), too. I also relate too strongly to her disgust with the locker room situation....... But I wonder how much of this mindset she still carries without even realizing. I am willing to bet it's very non-zero.

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 7

• Spring 1979
  • Qualifying for sectionals was a turning point. Alternatively dreamed of winning and bombing
  • One month until the meet
  • Had a full day of practice–a session with Janet after school and then a four hour workout at Cabrielles
  • Family had moved to the better WASPy home that her parents had aspired to
  • Jen was crying, because Cabrielle's coach Debbie was giving her a hard time about the floor routine Janet had choreographed for her and wanted her to go back to her original (Debbie's) choreography. Jen knew Janet's routine was better, but didn't know how to go against a coach yelling at her. She told her mother, who called Debbie at home and yelled at her in a way Jen had never seen before
  • Jen had wanted comfort, not for her mother to call the coach at home. Jen didn't know what kind of retribution this act would result in at Cabrielles. Her mom never screamed like that–she rarely yelled at Jen and Chris, who were generally well behaved, and arguments with her father were behind closed doors. She was a stay-at-home, 100 pound, timid suburban mother during the women's lib movement
  • Jen knew something was off–it was too important to her mom that Jen get the treatment she knew Jen deserved. (Debbie's floor routine was to Cavalleria Rusticana–no one wanted to see the cute pixies with serious classical music; they got fun, cute music. Heather had a cute routine to The Wizard of Oz). This was about all the preferential treatment they'd shown Heather in practices. Heather's mom didn't work hard for Heather's success the way Jen's mom did.
  • How could there be such fury if it wasn't really important?
  • Jen begged her mom to apologize, and relationships were repaired enough for Jen to train through sectionals. The Tobins were hostily civil at the gym. Marty would coach Jen at the meet, Rich would come along as the gym's owner and representative
• Sectionals
  • It was exciting–Jen had been on a plane, but she'd never traveled so far for a meet. Her whole family was going, even her Aunt Jill, all because of her. This meet established a pattern–Jen would never travel anywhere alone
  • In Atlanta, they had a day of practice in the auditorium–a gigantic arena–before the competition
  • Jen was the only girl from her team there. Heather had proven herself distractible and undedicated, skipping practices and missing competitions in recent months. Her talent couldn't keep her going at this level, and she hadn't made it past states. Linda was suffering from Osgood-Schlatter disease and was out for the year.
  • During practice, she was awed by the other girls there. Some would become national team members in the near future–Lynne Lederer from Mid-American Twisters. Her coach, Bill Sanders, also had Amy Koopman, who was on track to make the 1980 Olympic team. Mary Lou Retton was there from West Virginia.
  • The most impressive girl there was Torrance York. She was the most famous, featured in a book called A Very Young Gymnast by Jill Krementz. Jen had the whole series. She was Jen's idol, but it turned out she wasn't that good. Jen beat her, despite being three years younger.
  • Jen was one of the youngest juniors and finished about midway in the standings. Coaches noticed her because of her age, despite her not making Nationals by finishing in the top half (missing by a few spots). She had only one fall, on bars.
  • Rich hovered by her, afraid she might wander off and find another club. Recently he wouldn't have minded, but it was clear that Jen was the only girl at Cabrielles willing to sacrifice a normal life to be a winning gymnast–she was willing to self-destruct to win. Other girls who cried as much as Jen did quit, but Jen would just keep going. Now Rich wasn't willing to let her go without a fight, and he saw Jen as his way to making Cabrielles a nationally prominent club
• Next Steps
  • Her parents began to wander aloud where this would go. 3.5 years ago she had started gymnastics as a way to get some exercise. It hadn't completely taken over Jen's life the way it did for elites yet–she still did ballet, still attended school full time, still stayed home from practice when she was sick. Her skill wasn't something to break up the family or risk health and happiness for yet.
  • Many girls trained elite in obscurity, but just down the road from them Will-Moor had put two girls in the upper ranks. Elite was seeming a feasible and worthy goal. Her parents figured Jen could skip gym, lunch, and study hall to train from 2-7, five days a week. That seemed like a good start to train for the elite qualifier, less than a year away.
  • They proposed this to the Tobins out of courtesy, and the Tobins balked–Rich had been entranced by the idea of taking his club further, but they had realized they were more interested in keeping the club recreational, profitable enough to support their growing family. Jen was a marketing vehicle–they wouldn't rework their schedule around her
  • It was time to move on

 

[QuietColours]

1980-1984

Chapter 8

• Self Harm
  • She was 10 when she began to inflict pain on herself to relieve contact uneasiness. When she started to compete in earnest, she also started gnawing at the inside of her mouth, in a ritualized fashion until she had self-induced canker sores that she'd run her tongue over to irritate. If she really wanted to feel, she'd bite it until it bled or brought tears to her eyes.
  • She also began to pull at her cuticles. Her skin was dry from the chalk and she would pull it down to the first knuckle. She would continue to agitate it so it never healed.
  • Both habits were easy to hide from her mother, so she wouldn't ask her father to intervene and could continue to focus on helping Jen achieve her goals
  • Anxiety was starting to outpace Jen's ambitions
• Spring 1980
  • Decided to leave Cabrielles. When they told the Tobins, they told the Seys that they were starry-eyed and Jen's performance last year was surprising because she was only an industrious, competitive child. Her parents were pushing too hard and they would end up disappointed
  • Her parents had committed to the idea that Jen had unlimited potential. She was bright and excelled in school, mostly because she was so obedient. And obedience helps prompt athletic performance
  • 11 years old, she moved to Will-Moor gymnastics in Mount Laurel. It was only a half hour drive, and Janet had recommended it
  • Lois (Lolo), the owner had seen Jen at states and hoped they'd come. She offered them a chance to come visit without any commitments. Lolo met her with a hug and a "Let's get started!" Jen hadn't expected to work out that day–she'd thought Lois would quiz her on her readiness to train seriously so she could make a decision about if she wanted to take Jen on. Lois accepted all girls–you didn't have to qualify for her gym. She wanted it to be a safe haven for girls who loved gymnastics
  • Lolo was almost 50, warm and grandmotherly, with three grown children who were all involved in the gym in some way. She was small, but did a lot of spotting and her enthusiastic, optimistic approach set her apart in the world of nationally competitive gymnastics. She always had a hug–for the girls, for the parents, for the gym siblings
  • The Tobins hadn't generally been unkind, just distant. They didn't care much about the girls, just having a competent team that excelled at the state level so they could use the Cabrielles as a marketing vehicle
  • Most coaches she met were somewhere in the middle. The most decorated ones were notoriously mean and aggressive. The founder of a prominent west coast club was rumored to hit his girls. Every other girl knew someone who had trained there and experienced it first hand. Bill Sands of Mid-American Twisters exploded during competitions. It was whispered the Strausses withheld food–many girls boarded there without parents. The notorious coaches emulated Bela and Eastern European coaches and had no patience for mistakes, tearfulness, or an extra half pound. They wanted to win.
  • Lolo was unique in that she had one of the best clubs on the East Coast, but also a warm and nurturing demeanor.
• Training for elite
  • Jen immediately began training for the elite zone–qualifying elite competitions were called "zones"--which was in less than a year
  • She didn't have time to learn the new compulsory team and craft new optionals with all the required difficulty, but Lolo thought she could do it.
  • As a gymnast she was similar to Lolo's star, Suzie Van Slyke, who was already competing elite and was ranked 20th in the US. She was tall, graceful, and poised and was someone Jen could aspire to be.
  • The other star was Michelle Krupa, who was gruff and trashy–bleached blonde hair with the roots showing, lacking technique and making up for it in scrappiness. Donna Mosely had already stepped back–she had done one year at the elite level then given it up for a normal high school life. Angie Denkins was the new Donna. Both Angie and Donna were black, which was unusual in gymnastics
  • Angie became Jen's best friend and biggest competitor. They were the same age and opposites–Angie was compact, all muscles. She had never competed before (Lolo was saving her debut for the elite zone). Angie was all power, fast, and fearless. She could already do double backs on floor, giants on bars, and handspring fronts on vault. Jen was second best to Angie in training, but more hardworking and better able handle injuries and setbacks–Angie was talented but lazier and less driven.
  • Jen wasn't striving to get the 'best girl' status, she was striving to beat Angie–the tortoise and the hare
• Mother's involvement
  • Became involved in Will-Moor right away. Helped with fundraising, working the front desk, handling minor first-aid crises.
  • Her friends were other gym moms
  • Quickly became almost a full time job. Her brother also moved to train at Will-Moor–he had no choice when Jen moved. Her practice hours extended to either side of his
  • Jen and her mom were obsessed. Chris participated. He had no real choice, because he had to be at the gym if Jen and his mom were at this gym, so he made the best of it
  • Their father was on the periphery of all this, working hard and long hours to pay for it. His practice was open six days a week. He opened at 7 am, had evening appointments, and ran the business side of things
  • He stayed involved, attending all meets and asking the details of practice at dinner, but he maintained a life outside of gymnastics and maintained an inner life apart from the family and competitive gymnastics–his priorities, thoughts, and free time were his alone
  • Gym took over her mother's life as much as it took over Jen's. It gave her a sense of purpose

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 9

• 1980 Olympics
  • Angie and Jen watched the Olympic Trials. Jen was rooting for Tracee Talavera with her outrageous beam. Angie loved Julianne McNamara and her uneven bars routine
  • Jimmy Carter declared the boycott as a response to the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan in 1979. Went so far as to threaten to revoke the passports of athletes who planned to attend without a team. 65 nations ended up boycotting with only 80 attending. The USSR won 80 golds and almost 200 total medals
  • Many athletes were devastated. Tracee Talavera, Juliana McNamara, and Kathy Johnson continued to train four more years to make the 1984 routine
  • Jen and Angie were traumatized–their future spots on the team were jeopardized, and the sport seemed tainted by outside influence. But they kept training, because the zone was only nine months away. And now the elite ranks would be packed in 1981, not thinned out like they were supposed to be
• Compulsories
  • Jen was sent to California with Jan, an assistant coach at Will-Moor, to learn the new compulsories. She was sent because she was considered the mature, smart one. Lolo thought she'd be the one best equipped to not only remember the routines but also teach them to Michelle and Angie.
  • Suzie would have been the obvious choice, but at 16 she'd grown four inches and struggling with the impact of puberty on her gymnastics. She was thinking about leaving the sport to be a teenager. Jen couldn't understand why she'd quit when (in Jen's mind) she was a shoe-in for 1984, but Suzie knew she'd reached her potential in gymnastics. Lolo had instructed her to take a break and figure out what came next for her–either would be fine with Lolo
  • Lolo was also using this as an opportunity for Jen to get some national exposure. In a subjective sport, there are a lot of politics and it's important to build a good reputation and be well liked to get the benefit of the doubt.
  • Jen was honored to get the assignment
  • Mary Wright was the demonstrator at the clinic. She was an assistant coach at SCATS, led by Don Peters. They were the dominate team in the early 1980s, before Bela set up in Texas. All the best girls ended up at SCATS even if they didn't start there
  • Mary was stern and scary. Jen wanted to learn and impress and pushed to a front-center position. She was one of the youngest and the least experienced, but she stood out, being called forward to demonstrate a split leap after Mary saw hers
  • Got to explore San Francisco as well. Bought iron-on t-shirts for her family. Got one for her brother she knew he'd love–a San Francisco rainbow decal. She got him other trinkets as well, to make up for her special status. She had an unconfirmed but creeping sense that he might developing resentment toward her. But he was only 7
  • Jen was 11 and exhilarated by traveling to California, getting noticed by some of the best coaches in the country. She was graceful and flexible and presented herself with a maturity beyond her years. Other girls her age were called out to demonstrate tricky skills that required a lot of courage, but Jen was the only one set apart by composure and dignity. Over her career, she'd learn to play to those strengths, dealing with weaknesses of modest athletic aptitude, average strength and quickness, and disabling fear
• Gary Goodson
  • Those weaknesses were called out when Gary Goodson came to the gym shortly after her trip to California. He was a traveling gymnastics consultant who came to Will-Moor two or three times a year for clinics. He terrified her
  • He brought all the latest techniques to them, straight from Russia and China. His approach to the sport was power, athleticism, and acrobatic difficulty. The other nuances of gymnastics didn't matter to him
  • He called Jen "Dough Girl," because she didn't have a muscular physic and told Lolo and Jen's mother, with Jen standing right there, that if she was lucky she'd get a college scholarship
  • Her mother tried to console her that night. Her father said, "She does have kind of a bigger butt…She's never going to have that build like Angie."
  • Jen went back the next day more determined to learn his "half-baked techniques" to make her faster. They spent hours learning to run. Worked RO BHS techniques he said would let them do DLO and FTDBs–he said they would need perfect basics to do those skills
  • He used his approach to try to break her. He was the gatekeeper, letting girls move on only when he judged their mastery of the basics met his standard. He rarely allowed her to advance beyond the building block skills, insisting her RO BHS weren't strong enough. It might have been concern for her safety, but she thought he hated her and wanted girls like her out of the sport
  • Angie was perfect and was permitted to move on to the big tricks. He would point out how far ahead of her Angie was and stop her practice to point out how talented Angie was. She was easily convinced of what he said, because she believed the same things about herself
• Non-gymnastics Life
  • Never felt good enough, just below perfection. She withdrew into a state of self-hatred and shame. Growing competence amplified the self-criticism
  • Attended an experimental private elementary school in Philadelphia. It was an open classroom with self-paced learning. She taught herself algebra in 6th grade. She struggled with it and had no idea most kids wouldn't start algebra until high school, fixated on how she couldn't do it now. Hated herself for not being able to fly through the unassigned homework.
  • Chewed her cuticles and her cheeks and pulled her hair to deal with the frustration
  • Worked with her father from 8:30-11 in the evening to help her with the algebra, trying to remember his own 9th grade math. She had his undivided attention during this time.
  • Fed up with watching Jen battle with her homework, her mother talked to her teacher to discover why Jen struggled so much with math. He told her Jen excelled, not just with math but everywhere and that he'd urged her to slow down but that there was no stopping her. Her mother learned Jen put all this pressure on herself

 

[KristyJ]

I feel like the term "enmeshment" is overused in eating disorder/similar counceling, but good heavens Jen's mom finding her fulfillment in being a gym mom sure sounds like it goes in that direction. It could not have been healthy.
I wonder what the heck Gary Goodson was on about. It's one thing to say that roundoffs/handsprings need more pop, and entirely another to tell an athlete that they will never make it. Just work on the skill.....
I remembered the math anecdote from my first read and..... good heavens.