Unwilling routine - Book summary

[Amber]

Helden & de Volkskrant, Cairo Egypt, fall 2011

• While Reint and Simone are on vacation in Egypt, an 11-page article appears in the magazine "Helden" about four top Dutch gymnasts who reveal details about their gymnastics past with coaches Gerrit Beltman and Frank Louter. The article talks about a prison-like regime and child abuse. "The behavior of the gymnastics federation and the coaches was so demeaning to children that we can speak of gymnastics terrorism. The young women still suffer from nightmares, mood swings, insecurity, misunderstanding, anger, and problems with eating and identity,"
• Renske Endel, silver medalist at the 2001 World Championships, states: "I was losing myself more and more. When I was in the car on the way to training, I hoped my father would drive into the ditch, then at least I wouldn't have to train." The other three gymnasts were trained by Gerrit's former intern Frank Louter, with whom Simone lived in the house.

Suzanne Harmes: "It was child abuse, but everyone turned a blind eye"
Verona van de Leur: "We felt like some kind of cult"
Gabrielle Wammes: "I am still struggling"
Simone's world is turned upside down, she wants to go back to the Netherlands immediately.

Amsterdam, spring 2012

• Simone is in the car with Stasja when she receives a text message: "Have you read the article in de Volkskrant yet? An interview with Gerrit." They immediately stop at a gas station to buy the newspaper; it is a response to the article in Helden.

‘I DID NOT INTEND TO BELITTLE THEM,’ is the headline of the article.
The intro ends with: "I had them stand on a scale in the gym, that wasn't smart," as if that were the worst thing, something Simone hadn’t even thought about. They continue reading aloud. "He doesn’t want to be called the ruler of the gym, but there was certainly some awe and a bit of fear. If something unexpected happened and I became strict, of course I could see that they were afraid. I am a big, imposing man, that plays a role."
Not a word about the mental and physical abuse, why they were so scared. Only a few paragraphs later does it subtly say: "As young and driven as I was, I must have cursed at some point, and not closed the door too gently." The indoctrination regarding the parents is only lightly touched upon: "He is said to have once said, the best parents are dead parents." Gerrit says that the statement was different. "It should not have been taken literally; it was an insight I believed in." The story ends with: "I told my board about her criticism; they thought it was good to know but said: Gerrit, we don't recognize any of that." He can't be serious! Could these really have been the literal words? The outrage of Stasja and Simone is immense. When Simone reflects on her gymnastics career, she now knows that it was about years of deprivation of freedom, coercion, physical abuse, manipulation, indoctrination, stripping of personality and human rights, withholding of parental love, and hindering of mental and personal development and growth. During her gymnastics years, and even afterwards, she was alienated from herself, her parents.
It took years to learn to deal with this better, but she still suffers from the consequences. It says that Gerrit now teaches in Calgary, Canada, where 1,300 children train. How would he deal with them now? Stasja and Simone look at each other determinedly; they are going to ask him personally in Canada!

On the way to the airport, September 27, 2012

• Simone's body is trembling; how will she react when she stands in front of him? Will she be able to ask him all her questions honestly? How will he respond to them, and to their confronting questions? Simone is determined not to give him the chance to influence her feelings as he used to, making her feel pity for him, erasing herself for him, and eventually boarding the plane home without answers to her questions. She is not going to let that happen; she must be strong!

 

[Amber]

Next the aftermath for Stasja....

 

[Amber]

Stasja (1994-2012)

• Stasja has passed her final exam and strolls through the Kalverstraat. At a bakery, she sees that they are hiring staff, so she puts on her brave shoes and walks into the bakery. Stasja is hired. When she arrives for her first working days, she is given an apron. She is quickly shown where everything is and how much everything costs. Stasja really clicks with her colleague Mariangela, who immediately invites her out that evening. "From around 11:00 PM, I'll be at Cafe 't Hartje, see you there." When Stasja arrives at the cafe, Mariangela is busy dancing on the dance floor, the music blasting. Stasja quickly gets some drinks for herself and Mariangela, and then they spend the whole evening drinking and dancing. Stasja also meets Mariangela’s friends, and she especially gets along well with Natasja. From that evening on, Stasja goes out every weekend. She is also often found at 't Hartje during weekdays. She is drunk almost every day and only goes home when the sun is raising again. Stasja's mother is worried about her but also says that she is happy for Stasja because she has nice friends and is having fun.
• Crying, Stasja calls Simone. Stanley broke up with her after two years. Simone shows up on the doorstep that very evening. She brought chocolates. The box is beautifully wrapped and Simone has stuck all pink hearts on it. Simone is wearing a short skirt and is heavily made up. Black eyes, red lips, and long polished nails. She has changed. Stasja still doesn’t dare to dress so feminine; she thinks it’s because Gerrit called her a cheap ****. Recently, she wore a skirt and high-heeled shoes, but before going out she ended up changing again. "Shall we go to Titanic?" asks Simone. "I think Leonardo DiCaprio is such a hottie." Stasja doesn’t mind, although she has no idea who Leonardo DiCaprio is.
• Mariangela is sad, she says that Natasja's sister has had a serious accident. Stasja is shocked by the news, she feels very sorry for Natasja, she gets along well with her and often Natasja gives her a ride home. She often talks about her sister then. Just before their shift at the bakery ends, Natasja comes in. Mariangela walks straight up to her and gives her a big hug. Natasja looks bad, sad, and desperate. Stasja stays at a distance, she doesn’t really know what to say and doesn’t know at all how to comfort someone. Gerrit always shouted that comforting is for wimps. Since she got yelled at by Gerrit, she has never comforted anyone again, not even her own mother. Not even when she was clearly struggling after the loss of her husband. When Stasja saw her crying, she would walk away. Sometimes she wanted to put an arm around her, but something held her back.
• The next day, Mariangela doesn’t say anything to Stasja at all. She is angry with her. Stasja doesn’t dare to ask why. Even after work, she keeps her lips tightly shut. Mariangela leaves without saying goodbye. The whole week goes like this, and Stasja is sad about it. Eventually, she gathers all her courage and asks Mariangela what she did wrong. She gets a full response. Mariangela finds it inconceivable that she didn’t even bother to comfort Natasja and that she didn’t call her once to ask how she was doing. “She’s your friend too, isn’t she? Doesn’t it bother you at all?” asks Mariangela. “You just stood there.” Stasja thinks the reaction is over the top. Natasja should have gone to Mariangela for comfort, shouldn’t she? “I don’t think Natasja was waiting for another arm around her,” Mariangela looks at her in surprise. “At moments like that, don’t you need everyone?” Stasja doesn’t understand and goes home; their friendship was never the same again.

Talking openly

• Simone calls and asks if Stasja wants to go to Spain with her; they are leaving a week later by bus. Stasja hesitates; she is expecting a letter from the journalism school. Stasja has applied and hopes she will be accepted into the program. She also has a new job at a nearby pizzeria. That same day, Stasja receives the letter from the journalism school. The first thing she reads is 'Congratulations.' She has been accepted! Stasja is overjoyed and jumps into her brother's arms; she is going to study in Utrecht! She quickly calls Simone back to share the good news and to say that she will come to Spain after all, as she doesn’t have to start until September, leaving plenty of time for a vacation. After spending a few days on the beach and going out in the evenings, Stasja and Simone decide to stay in the hotel one evening. They lie next to each other on the bed and chat a bit. Soon, Gerrit comes up in the conversation. What we have all experienced. We talk openly about the physical violence, his sudden outbursts, and the name-calling. About how we heard every day that we were worthless, slow, too fat, too lazy, too bad. That we were never allowed a candy. This is actually the first time they talk about it so openly. "I'm going to tell you something now that will probably shock you," Simone says. "When you were in the Netherlands recovering from your hip injury and I was left alone in Germany, Gerrit said that I was making leaps and bounds and that this was because you weren't around. Gerrit said that’s why he wasn’t continuing with you and asked if I agreed with it. I agreed at the time, but only because I knew that’s what he wanted to hear; I felt so guilty about that. He made me believe he was doing it for me, and in that way, I couldn’t tell him that I wanted to stop, something I really wanted, and he knew that." It has to sink in for Stasja. Suddenly, she gets so angry that she jumps off the bed. For years she had wondered what she had done and why Gerrit didn't want to continue with her. He always blamed her for the breakup. Her whole body starts shaking, with anger. She sits on the balcony and stares at the azure blue sea. Simone sits next to her, they smile at each other and give each other a hug. Stasja feels better, lighter, liberated, and Simone confirms that she feels exactly the same way.

Mother

• When Stasja sleeps in her own bed for the first time after the vacation, she just tosses and turns. The conversation with Simone keeps haunting her mind. At three o'clock in the morning, she walks into her mother's bedroom; she only sees a bright orange tip of the cigarette her mother is smoking. Stasja turns on the light and asks if they can talk for a moment. "Of course, darling, come lie down next to me." Stasja crawls into bed. Her mother has always been so kind to her, but Stasja never accepted her love. Gerrit's words that parents don't know what's best for their child, and that he gets nauseated by parents who coddle their children, never left Stasja. She took his words as truth. That's why Stasja always got angry when her mother did something kind for her. She felt she didn't deserve it and that she didn't need it either. On the way back from Spain, Stasja thought a lot about this. It is now the first time in a very long time that she takes the initiative to lie down next to her mother and talk to her. She can see from her mother's face that she is very happy about it. Stasja tells her mother that she had a very long conversation with Simone about Gerrit and that they finally found out what he is really like. "Do you know that he treated me very badly when you were in the hospital in Germany?" her mother says. "He picked me up from the train station and didn't even say hello. The first thing he asked was whether I had arranged a place to sleep because he couldn't be expected to do that for me, and he also said I couldn’t stay with him. Then he walked very quickly to the car; I could hardly keep up with him. During the car ride, he didn't say a word." Stasja is now even angrier at Gerrit than she was before. How could he treat her mother like that, a woman who had just lost her husband? Stasja's relationship with her mother has been improving since this conversation. Stasja finally sees her as the loving, caring mother she is and has always been.

 

[Amber]

Three years later

• Stasja is done with her work in a café. It is a quarter past one at night. "Are you coming out for drinks?" asks her colleague Claire. She always goes along, but today she doesn't feel like it. She is tired and has to start early at school tomorrow. Stasja is taken home by her boss. To her surprise, when she gets home, she notices that her mother hasn't locked the door yet. The door is open, which Stasja finds strange. Normally, she always locks the door after visiting her boyfriend. When she walks inside, she sees her mother on the kitchen floor, half sitting, half lying down. The kettle is lying next to her on the floor, the tap is running, and she has vomited. Stasja is terrified and sits down beside her. Her mother’s eyes are open, but she can’t speak. She looks strange and keeps clutching the green cloth that always lies on the kitchen chair. "Have you been robbed? Beaten? Has someone been inside?" Stasja screams in panic. Not a word comes out of her mother. She grabs her phone to call 911 and immediately afterward calls her brother. "Something's wrong with Mom, you need to come now." Once at the hospital, Stasja can't sit still; she is so upset it seems like she might go crazy. A nurse gives her a pill to help her calm down a bit, and it works. Half an hour later, the doctor comes to talk to them. "Your mother is in critical condition, very serious. She has had a brain hemorrhage. She is being transferred to Slotervaart Hospital; her condition is very critical." Confused, Stasja calls Simone; it's 3 a.m. She also calls Dana. Less than two hours later, they arrive at Slotervaart Hospital; they haven't left Stasja's side for a single minute. A day later, her mother undergoes surgery. When Stasja is allowed to visit her after the operation, she has to cry hard. She is completely bald on the right side. She is in a coma, and Stasja doesn't know what to do.
• Nine days later, Stasja is called at three in the morning by the hospital because her mother is not doing well. Stasja still has her clothes on; she had a feeling this would happen. So she can go straight to the hospital. Crying, she calls her brother, 'We need to go to the hospital now, I’ll pick you up by car.' The fact that she survived the drive to the hospital can be considered a miracle; she kept crying and could see nothing in front of her. Because of her tears, but also due to a heavy snowstorm. Her mother is in very poor condition and will probably not make it. Stasja instructs the doctors to do everything, absolutely everything, but she passes away that same day, at the age of 47.

Own home

• Stasja now lives in a small house in Betondorp. She couldn't stay in her parental home; there were too many memories of her deceased parents. Although she feels at home in her new house, she suffers from nightmares almost every night. She is burdened by an enormous sense of guilt. Most of the dreams are about her mother, that she treated her badly and then collapses. Then she can't say anything anymore and dies. She always wakes up startled with tears in her eyes; it's almost the same every night. To numb her sorrow, she is found almost every evening in Amsterdam's nightlife, staying out all night and drinking until she collapses. Because she has little appetite, she loses a lot of weight, which pleases her. She weighs 51 kilos and is finally starting to feel satisfied with her appearance. However, she is going a bit too far; even when she is hungry, she does not want to eat.
• Because she spends so much time at the café, school is not going well. She still has a few subjects to complete to get her diploma, but she can't bring herself to do it. Recently, she also became the manager of the eatery where she works, which also takes a lot of time. A few months later, she receives a letter from the journalism school; she still has three subjects to finish before she can graduate, but she must complete them in the short term, otherwise her education will lapse. Stasja thinks about how happy and proud her mother was when she went to study; her mother would want her to finish her studies. Stasja gets into her small car and drives to Utrecht, explaining her problem to her study advisor. Together, they decide to make a plan of action. She now gives the highest priority to her graduation project and decides to quit her job at the eatery. To still earn some money, she asks her old employer if she can work two evenings a week at the pizzeria. "There's always a spot for you."

Peter

• One evening, a man whom Stasja has never seen before walks into the pizzeria. He has beautiful dark blonde curls and is dressed nicely. He has a sweet smile and his eyes sparkle. She feels butterflies in her stomach. She is not used to this; since Stanley, she hasn't really had a relationship. Fortunately, the man comes to eat at the pizzeria often. His name is Peter, and he often eats his pizza in the restaurant. Peter says that he bought a boat not too long ago. "I really love sailing," says Stasja, hoping to be invited. "Then we should go sailing together sometime." Stasja is in love, deeply in love; she doesn't know what she is experiencing, she has never felt this way before.

Helden

• Stasja is still very sad about her mother, but otherwise life is looking good for her; she is 27 and happy. She has completed her education and has a nice job as a journalist at De Telegraaf, and her relationship with Peter couldn't be better. At the large dining table in the kitchen, she reads the sports magazine Helden's article about gymnasts Verona van de Leur, Suzanne Harmes, and Renske Endel. The latter was also a pupil of Gerrit for many years. They talk about their experiences, how they were yelled at or ignored day after day. While reading, tears run down Stasja's cheeks. Everything they describe, she has also experienced, as has Simone. So even after 25 years, nothing has changed in gymnastics. She clenches her fists in anger; nothing is being done, this can't be right! A few weeks later, Stasja googles the name Frank Louter; she has heard that he responded to the article and soon finds it—he flatly denies it.

"I myself look back with pride on our wonderful achievements; together we have accomplished a lot and put the Netherlands on the map as a gymnastics nation," he writes.

Gerrit in the Volkskrant

• Simone is in the car with Stasja when Simone receives a text message. It says that Gerrit is featured in a major article in the Volkskrant. Screeching tires, Stasja speeds to the nearest gas station and they buy the newspaper. Both of them read the article, and when Stasja is finished, she throws the newspaper on the ground. Simone looks at her, disbelief clearly written in her eyes as well. In the article, Gerrit talks about his training approach. He says that he 'might have slammed the door a bit harder sometimes, and maybe cursed here and there' and that it 'might not have been such a good idea to place the scale in the middle of the gymnastics hall.' Is Gerrit then not aware of everything he has done to his gymnasts? Does he know that many of his gymnasts still suffer daily as a result of his methods? There is only one way to find out—they are going to visit Gerrit in Canada; it is time for justice.

 

[Amber]

Next the confrontation with Gerrit, I hope to make it today, if not unfortunately it will probably be after the holidays...

 

[Amber]

The confrontation in Calgary

Die deur. Alleen die deur scheid hen nog van een confrontatie met hun voormalig turntrainer. Ze duwen hem open en staan in de entree van de turnzaal. Het ruikt er naar een mengeling van zweet en magnesium, die hen direct weer doet denken aan hun jeugd. Ze zien Gerrit niet. Een horde kleuters rent door elkaar heen en springen op de turntoestellen. Het lijkt wel een speeltuin. Ze lopen verder naar de tweede zaal en zien kleine dunne meisjes met strakke staartjes in hun haar die een warming-up op muziek doen op de vrije oefeningvloer. Dat lijkt er meer op. Dat zouden wel eens turnsters van Gerrit kunnen zijn. "Ik zie hem, daar bij de sprong" mompeld Simone. Stasja kijkt om het hoekje. "Ik zie hem ook, wat doen we nu? Naar hem toelopen?"

Gerrit walks toward them but stops halfway while staring at them. He looks a bit strange. Their breath catches. He continues to look at them hesitantly, then turns around and walks away. His body language suggests that he doesn’t know how to handle the situation. He sits down in the farthest corner of the gym.

"He keeps staring at us, doesn’t he?" Simone observes.
"Oh yeah? I can’t see him, I’m nicely hidden behind a post," responds Stasja.
Simone giggles, "That’s great, so he only sees me?"
"Yep."

Ten minutes later, a trainer comes over to them. "Can I help you?" she asks kindly. They indicate that they would like to talk to Gerrit. Gerrit is busy adjusting a machine, and when the trainer walks over and explains that they want to talk to him, he continues with what he’s doing. For a moment, they’re worried that Gerrit won’t speak to them, but fortunately, he eventually turns around and walks over to them.

"The moment of truth," they murmur to each other.
Gerrit's face looks different than it used to, friendlier. His hair has turned gray. He still wears his distinctive glasses, mustache, and blue-and-white slippers. He now stands directly in front of them and looks at them seriously. He still towers over them, just think about it, back then they were only half as tall as they are now.

Stasja reaches out her hand. He shakes her hand and then Simone's.
"What brings you here?" he asks.
"We'd like to talk to you for a bit," says Stasja.
"About what?" He looks at Simone.
She stares back firmly and answers without flinching: "About our gymnastics past and what it has done to us."
"I can understand that," Gerrit replies empathetically. His kindness somewhat takes them by surprise.
"Right now?" he wants to know.
"Not necessarily right now, we understand if you don't have time immediately."
"Until when are you here?"
"Until Sunday."
"Let me grab my schedule." Gerrit walks away.

"He's gotten older, hasn't he," Stasja whispers.
"It has been 20 years after all," Simone replies.
Returning with his schedule in hand, they decide to meet right after training.
"At McDonald's," they suggest? As they say it, they have to laugh a bit, how ironic to meet at McDonald's of all places.
"We'll find a spot, let's meet here again at half past nine."

 

[Amber]

The conversation

Exactly at the agreed time, they are back in the gym. Gerrit is done giving training. They follow him up the stairs toward the stands where parents are watching their children’s training. Gerrit opens the door to a small room where there is only a large table and a few chairs. They close the door behind them and sit next to each other at the table. Gerrit takes a businesslike stance, doesn’t ask if they want something to drink, but sits opposite them and gets straight to the point.

“What can I do for you?” He looks at them somewhat irritably, his gaze different than it was two hours ago, harsher.

Simone: “We want to talk to you about our gymnastics past and how you look back on it.”

“I assume you’ve seen the interview I gave to the Volkskrant?”

They nod.

“So that’s how I look back on it.”

They are struck dumb. With journalists who haven’t personally been in the gym, he can distort the truth, even lie to them—but to them?
They look at him genuinely surprised but also outraged.
"We think it’s rather trivialized."
"I don’t know, that’s your opinion. I see it this way: All the energy I had, I put into my gymnasts, with the goal of making those gymnasts as good as possible."
"But did those gymnasts want that themselves?" Simone interjects.
"I didn’t concern myself with that; I assumed that if you were in the gym, you also knew what was expected."
"I was six when I came to you, too young to know what ‘normal’ is. I was driven by fear of you."
"I didn’t see that fear, but I also wasn’t concerned with whether children enjoyed themselves or not; I had a goal in mind. My only concern was the result I wanted to achieve. Maybe at the time I wasn’t the right person to work with six-year-old children."

Stasja: "Do you regret the way you acted?"

"Of course, I find it unpleasant that I was who I was. But I also feel uncomfortable that apparently many people were aware of it, yet no one seemed to care about you. No one dared to approach me to say something about it."
"Would you have listened to them?" asks Stasja.
"Maybe, maybe not. I can't guarantee that I would have changed my training methods. I was too strong, too focused on my own goals."

Simone: "In de Volkskrant you say that you may have cursed and didn't close the door softly. But it didn't stop there."
"Oh really? What else? You'll have to help me."
"You hit us, you spat in our faces."
"I can't remember that, I really don't know. But I don't deny it; if that's the case, then that's how it was."

Again, indignation on their part. Simone decides to sketch a situation.
"Can't you remember this: You made your gymnasts line up and you asked what you were no longer allowed to do. Vanessa replied: 'You can scold me and yell at me, but you can't hit me anymore'.
"You can remind me when I do it again" you promised.
Not much later she was lying on her back on the trampoline, you sat on top of her and hit her left and right in her face. She softly reminded you that you wouldn't do that again. She could not remind you out loud because of the cramped position she was in: stuck between you and the trampoline. You answered: "That doesn't apply now, now you've earned it" and continued hitting her."

"Is that so? I don’t remember that at all, but I believe you immediately."

Stasja: "Did you forget the specific situation, or don’t you remember hitting at all?"
"Again, I really can’t remember, but it’s no doubt true."
"Did you push it away?"
"It wasn’t a pleasant time back then. But I was who I was. Someone searching for themselves. By now, I understand that my approach at the time left its marks, but back then I didn’t see it. I am sure the results would have been better if I had done it differently; in fact, I am firmly convinced that this is the case."
"That beginning time, which period was that exactly?" wanted to know Simone.
"The period between 1981 and 1997."

Stasja: "Do you still hit people now?"
"No."
"How long has it been?"
"I really don’t know."
"Since your training period in Opmeer?"
"It didn’t happen there."
"So only during your training years in Alphen aan de Rijn?" asked Simone.
"I think so, did I do it in Germany too?" He looks at Simone.
"You should know that. What always stuck with me is that you leaned threateningly over me in an empty classroom and yelled in my ears, hitting the wall so hard right near my head that you broke your hand. That was pretty traumatic for a thirteen-year-old girl."
"Yes, that's true, that's right." Gerrit raises his left hand a little into the air, "that was this one. That shouldn’t have happened, that wasn’t right."

Stasja: "If a gymnast did something wrong, were you so angry that you lost control of yourself?"
"Apparently. At that moment, mentally, I wasn’t mature enough to control that part. I don’t like that, it’s not funny. I am willing to apologize, hereby, but I was who I was. I can remember being aggressive, but it wasn’t every day. There must have been days when I didn’t shout. By the way, I can now keep that anger under control; I've grown older. In the meantime, I've also created a situation where more people are around me in the gym"

 

[Amber]

"Why did you turn us against our parents?" asks Simone.
"I didn’t do that, but I undoubtedly spoke negatively about parents. Parents always deceived me. They were in every way dishonest with me. For example, I once found out that they went behind my back to the federation to complain about me."

"Why did we have to leave our parental home and come live with you?" asks Stasja.
"Pure fear. I was afraid that you would be distracted by external factors that could lead to a loss of focus. And by that, I mean among others your parents, grandpa, grandma, and friends."
They feel a pang in their hearts. How can he see their family as external factors? How could he deny them that love for years, intentionally?
"I wanted my gymnasts to immerse themselves solely in the world of elite sports and performance. According to my vision, it had to be that way. I was aware that you were so removed from everyday life, especially in a country like the Netherlands, that after your gymnastics careers you would have a hard time. I feared that you would go off track in daily life; I knew from my initial perspective that the chance was there. So why did I create that world anyway? Because I thought this way would yield the best results"


How mean, they think. So he knew from the very beginning that they would have a hard time in society after their gymnastics careers. And yet his goals were more important than their well-being.

"Now I know that children are better off living at home. I once placed a nine-year-old girl in a boarding school, but I realized that the absence of her parents cost her a lot of energy that had to come from somewhere else. Taking girls into the house didn’t lead to success, so I don’t do that anymore.

"What if it had led to success?" asks Stasja.
"That is a good question. At the time, success was probably more important. But I’ve realized for some time now that the end does not justify the means. Back then, it was the vision of a coach who had ambition and saw opportunities to achieve it. I did not sufficiently consider what the consequences might be. That is absolutely true. But I do know why I was who I was, it had to do with my childhood, though I keep that analysis private.

Simone: "We also didn't have a happy childhood, but we didn't take it out on small children."
"The word 'venting' doesn't belong here, Simone," Gerrit says sharply. "By saying that, you’re implying that I did everything on purpose, which is not the case." He points his index finger at Simone. "You can't judge me for something I did unconsciously."

If we let go of all criminals who acted 'unconsciously,' the prisons would be empty, they think.

"Do you want to say anything to us before we finish?"
"Why that book about me? What is your goal? To hurt me?"

Simone: "No. The book is about our experiences during our gymnastics time, and we are writing it to bring the hidden events to light."
"And what do you think you will achieve with the book? It’s pointless. Nothing happened after the article in Helden either, right? But in the meantime, at least two people have been seriously hurt."
Two? Which two gymnasts could he mean? they wonder.

"One of those two is me!" Gerrit pokes his chest with his index finger. He is talking about himself.

Stasja has to make an effort to control her anger, and Simone to not burst out laughing; they are so surprised by this statement. Despite their feelings, they keep looking at him intently.

Stasja: "We hope that through this book the seriousness of the situation will finally be recognized and that we can help other gymnasts with it. To show them that they are not alone. We believe it’s time that real change happens within the sport of gymnastics."

They have the feeling that Gerrit now realizes he cannot stop it. His voice sounds softer, and they see his hand trembling slightly. Suddenly, he approaches them more kindly.
"I appreciate that you took the time to come to me, I think that is very good. You are the first. That means something to me; that is the positive part of this story. But I am a realist, I know the world well enough. I am here in Canada now, but it is only a matter of time before these stories are known here too. And then my little reputation will be so tarnished, I would rather step out of the gymnastics world myself. People may interpret that as a confession of guilt, but it is not"

 

[Amber]

After the conversation

Gerrit takes them to the exit. There they shake hands once again. Silently, they walk out of the building.
During the conversation, they were strong. Once outside, they realize that they are still unsettled.
When they are out of sight of the gym, they pause for a moment. They can clearly feel that they need to let all the words sink in first.

That night, they once again have trouble sleeping. Their thoughts are with the conversation. For most of it, they had an unpleasant feeling. But at the end of the conversation, they briefly saw a different Gerrit. When they noticed that his hand was shaking, they were momentarily distressed. But that hand that shook now, what a lot of suffering had that caused in the past.
They toss and turn, sometimes dozing off lightly. In the middle of the night, Simone wakes up hyperventilating. "I had a nightmare," she says. "In my dream, I kept crying and repeating, 'he doesn't know anymore, he doesn't know anymore.' All those years I carried that bit of physical abuse as a big secret, a burden. Intense to hear from his mouth that he can't remember it.
They are both now wide awake.
Stasja has a pounding headache, painkillers bring no relief.
"I also can't comprehend that he has forgotten, I don't know if that's even the truth. You can't forget something like that," she says while holding a cold washcloth to her forehead.

They are stunned and feel as weak as a rag. Their bodies react strongly to the confrontation with their former father figure. But they had at least somewhat anticipated that in advance.

Back home

The plane is ready, they're going back to Amsterdam. Just before they take off, they hug each other. "Well done, little sister."
Their gymnastics time, the aftermath of it, and this confrontation were intense. But little by little, the pieces of the puzzle are falling into place.

 

[Amber]

That is it! Done! There are some more interviews with some of Gerrit's gymnasts, as well as with Suzanne Harmes, Renske Endel and with Simone and Vanessa's mother. But if there is interest in these they will have to wait until after the holidays.

Happy holidays!

 

[RAFIKI]

Thank you so much for this. It’s been a difficult read but I feel like I have a duty to read all the horror stories given all the good things gymnastics has given me.

I would be interested in those interviews. Harmes and Endel are gymnasts I saw compete many times so I would be especially curious about what they have to say.

Hope you have a great holiday as well.