Chalked Up: Inside Elite Gymnastics' Merciless Coaching, Overzealous Parents, Eating Disorders, and Elusive Olympic Dreams

[MaryClare]

She just comes across as very jealous. Her “flex” is that she’s so over gymnastics when in reality she is really isn’t. Only the most very talented gymnasts are able to even partially execute a comeback so many years later

 

[IratePanda]

Yes. She's probably also angry and bitter because she was never good to begin with.

I did feel a twinge of sympathy after her win at '86 Nationals. She couldn't fully enjoy her victory because she knew it would be downhill from there. But just a twinge. Glass half-empty people will never be happy, unless they're making other people miserable.

 

[JDB]

Jen Sey wrote blog posts for the now defunct Mommy Track'd in 2008. One blog post was about Chusovitina competing at the 2008 Olympics. She wrote about how unprecedented a 32 year-old competing in Olympic gymnastics was. Sports media at the time portrayed Olympic gymnastics as a sport for teenage girls. When Athlete A came out 12 years later, Sey had different views on why so many elite gymnasts were young.

She wrote another post that year about how difficult it would be for Shawn Johnson to compete at the 2012 Olympics. Again, it reflected the media's view of gymnastics at he time.

 

[RichardL]

Jen Sey wrote blog posts for the now defunct Mommy Track'd in 2008. One blog post was about Chusovitina competing at the 2008 Olympics. She wrote about how unprecedented a 32 year-old competing in Olympic gymnastics was. Sports media at the time portrayed Olympic gymnastics as a sport for teenage girls. When Athlete A came out 12 years later, Sey had different views on why so many elite gymnasts were young.

She wrote another post that year about how difficult it would be for Shawn Johnson to compete at the 2012 Olympics. Again, it reflected the media's view of gymnastics at he time.

I always forget about how legitimate Johnson's comeback attempt was. She was the Worlds alternate and won gold with the team at Pan Ams in 2011. The 2012 team was so stacked, but she and Liukin were really right there in theory. Sloan also made it to Trials but injured herself there. Peszek was the only one from the 2008 team to not compete elite again after 2009.

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 26

• Resuming training
  • She'd assumed the meet would be a disaster and she'd be allowed to quit. Instead she had qualified for Pan Ams and Worlds. This seduced her into thinking that one more year of training might not be so bad. Parkettes had gotten her this fair. She was already miserable. What was another year?
  • Was berated for her weight of 102 at the Pan Ams training camp. At 18 and 5'4, Jen thought it was a reasonable weight, but the nutritionist disagreed. She questioned if there were weight struggles in Jen's family. When told no, she asked, "Then what's wrong with you?"
  • Her body fat test had come back at 3%, higher than some of the other girls, but not that high. She still had never had a period. The nutritionist suggested a diet high in vegetables and whole grains and about four times the calories Jen ate in a day
  • Jen left the training camp early of her own volition
  • Demonstrating independent thought marked Jen as "past her prime" (with coaches or the federation isn't specified). She was considering leaving Parkettes, but no other team wanted her
  • She spiraled. She could barely get out of bed, started skipping practices. When she figured her mother was sufficiently worried, she went home and would find her distraught mother locked in her room
• Ankle
  • Dr. Dixon finally diagnosed the foot after almost two years–multiple bone chips floating around that had taken years to calcify enough to show up on the x-ray. Some had become lodged in the joint, causing irritation and infection. Dr. Dixon said she could have them removed, but she'd be out the gym for a while. The coaches said no. She'd survived with them for this long; they could wait until she went to college
• Next steps
  • Jen refused to go the Worlds Championships. The Strausses were relieved, though they wouldn't admit it. She would have embarrassed them if she went to the training camp.
  • Jen had finally found a solution that would appease her mother–she'd go back to Lolo, the only club that would have her. She knew she needed to get away from her mother, Parkettes, and John (who still believed she'd recover from all this).
  • Her parents argued about it. Her father had come around to letting her disappear from gymnastics and go to college, putting the whole affair behind them. Her mother fought him bitterly, but eventually agreed to let Jen go back to Will-Moor
  • The Parkettes coaches were furious. Robin confronted her. Jen, having graduated high school, had a day job doing retail stocking. Robin caught her in the parking lot. She begged her to just quit, not switch gyms. "Don't you know how this looks for us? A former national champion, going to another gym?"
  • Jen wanted to scream that it was her choice, not Parkettes'. And that she wanted to quit but her mother wouldn't let her. It made her decide to give it an honest try at Lolo's out of spite
  • Jen went back to NJ alone–her family stayed in Allentown. Her father commuted to Philadelphia every day and her brother stayed at Gymnastrum–he was a junior and wanted to graduate with his friends. All the girls who lived with them had moved on
    • Jen went to UCLA, Kristy went to Berkley
    • Alyssa had gone home to NJ for a year before starting college–she and Jen would be going to Stanford in the same year
  • Her mom was left with her brother and the occasional temporary border. Everyone was resentful and probably glad to be rid of each other. Jen moved in with her Aunt Jill, who had always been present and supportive, and slacked
  • She knew she'd chosen to go back to Lolo to find love and understanding and rehabilitate herself. It was a safe haven where she could ease into retirement
• Lolo's
  • Lolo welcomed Jen back and let her participate on her own terms. She didn't get upset if Jen skipped practice, if all she did was stretch and talk. She gave Jen classes to teach; her son Sam was now a weight lifter and taught her how to lift. She built bulky muscle. There were lots of hugs. Lolo reminded her she was the 1986 national champion and that her whole life was in front of her
  • Her depression took a year to diminish in intensity. Laxative use got worse now that she had a car and no one hovering over her shoulder. Often thought of crashing her car. She no longer spoke with her parents at all. Their disappointment in her was unabated; her disappointment in them intensified. If she thought about her mother she couldn't breath
  • Her father wrote her a letter asking her to come home before college, to take pity on her mother–her mother was out of line, but for the right reasons, she had wanted to protect Jen from disappointment later in life. The letter was computer printed (his word processor was his new toy). She was furious–the fact he didn't hand write it in those days felt impersonal. And she was intent to not go home, to make them work to repair the damage. She sent back a handwritten note: You're more enamored with experimenting with your new computer than you are in me. Where's the apology? Where's Mom's letter?
  • She did one competition with Lolo. It was terrible–she fell at least once on every event, tripping and clumsy. She sobbed afterwards
  • One day she stopped crying–the truth was there, she was done. There would be no 1988 Olympics. She'd bide her time and go to college
• Stanford
  • Arrived on crutches, finally having had the bone chips removed
  • Most of the other athletes (in other sports) there anticipated careers beyond college; some would achieve it
  • She was completely exhausted–she viewed college as a retirement home. She didn't think there was a life for her beyond those four years.
  • She ate a lot–gained 40 pounds her freshman year. She started menstruating. Alyssa, her former Parkettes teammate, had to show 20 year old Jen how to use a tampon. Jen wasn't sure what all the body parts she was describing were
  • Four years of eating, drinking, and forgetting she finally started to realize she was barely 23 and would have a career and a life beyond gymnastics
• Today
  • At 38, her ankles hurt. The balls of her feet ache every time she walks. Her knees grind and creak. She has regular sciatic nerve pain. Her hands are arthritic and a disorder called trigger finger means that it takes an hour for the fluid to drain from her hands in the morning.
  • She always misses the feeling of flying. Sometimes if she runs far enough she can get the same numb leg feeling. The next day her shins, ankles, and hips always hurt
  • Still has a love affair with gymnastics and that period in her life–she misses it every day

 

[RAFIKI]

She questioned if there were weight struggles in Jen's family. When told no, she asked, "Then what's wrong with you?"

Bloomin heck!

 

[QuietColours]

2000

• She is 31 years old and has just had her first baby. She is set on breast feeding because that's what good mothers do, but she isn't sure she'll be able to because she had breast reduction surgery in her 20s as part of dealing with her post-gymnastics weigh gain and regulation issues
• Her milk comes in normally, but she isn't able to breast feed
• She feels shame because once disgraced as a gymnast she couldn't accept her post-gymnastics body and had to alter it to give herself the appearance of being in control. The repercussions of the sport are endless, the shame is endless
• She has the same sense of inadequacy she did at 19. Learning to accept the present state of things and pivot for a better future is something she will always struggle with
• The bottle will become a symbol of her shame. She will have to learn to forgive herself and move on past this one aspect of mothering.

Afterward

• Compelled to write this self-indulgent book because dreams of gymnastics still plague her
• Having been the best at something at a very young age, being anything less than number one feels like failure
• Issues with her mother persist, in her mind still linked to gymnastics. 20 years after the battles, her mother is unsure that Jen will forgive her. She believes Jen lives 3,000 miles away because she can't stand to be closer, not because Jen simply prefers California
• When Jen gave birth to her first child, she opted to have Doe with her instead of her mother and her mother took it as a sign Jen didn't want her in her life. It took days of tearful conversation to convince her otherwise–it was her inability to keep a cool head under pressure that had Jen make the decision
• She is an overachiever. It's an open question if gymnastics caused it or–more likely–if it's just what she is and gymnastics was a manifestation.
• She is adjusted and confident and anxious, sad, self-loathing, impatient, angry, frustrated, competitive, and borderline unhinged
• She maintains a coach/athlete relationship with her superiors.
• Despite her professional achievements, marketing was always a fallback career for her–she thought she'd do something more special, less average. But there was a recession when she graduated from college, she didn't want to be on the east coast where she had a job offer as an assistant to a film producer, and she had taken a job coaching "undedicated and unpromising girls at a low-level club" in a move of desperation
• She got a job at an advertising agency and told herself it would just be for a little while, but she had a knack for it, she liked the respect, and she got rapid promotions
• She quit jobs if she didn't like them, but she always went back to marketing
• She met her husband, Winslow Warren, while working at an advertising agency. They met at a party. He was flirtatious, very tall (6'8), skinny, and self-deprecating–her type. He didn't play games
• Watched the 1996 Olympics with him. He admired Kerri's tenacity; Jen was angered by the commentators calling her unique. Any girl on that team would have done the same thing. Why didn't anyone question the fact that she did it? Maybe she shouldn't compete on a broken ankle!
• In 1998 he watched US Championships while she asked him to change the channel and he was astonished when the announcer commented Kristen Maloney was the first Parkette to win the title since Jennifer Sey in 1986. He was finally fully convinced she hadn't made it up
• Dedication to hard work bonded them, reluctant professionals; dedicated Gen Xers. They enjoyed the rave culture of San Francisco, replete with designer and ordinary drugs
• He proposed on her 30th birthday. Her parents—afraid to comment positively or negatively on any choice made, afraid of causing another decade-long rift–threw them a wedding. They married in Philadelphia on September 12, 2000. Doe was a bridesmaid–they had become close at Stanford, bonding over their disdain for their coaches and the sport of gymnastics. Jen, the former skinny Parkette, was also in the wedding party
• Chris was the man of honor. They'd built a solid relationship while attending college together. He'd come to understand how she'd suffered at the end of her career, she came to appreciate what it must have been like living in the background of their family. He was and is her best friend.
• She became pregnant three months later. She'd long given up her bulimic behaviors, but she was still insecure about her body and when she was stressed she obsessed about calories and exercising compulsively. She withdrew when she felt unwieldy. Winslow patiently coaxed her away from those behaviors, using humor instead of cloying sensitivity
• Virgil Warren was born Sept 30, 2000, 40 pounds and nine months later. Wyatt Warren was born April 30, 2003. Jen works and Winslow stays home with the kids
• She has not shared the book with her parents, fearful of their response. They'll have to buy copies themselves. She loves them and forgives them; she could not have achieved the success she did without their blind commitment and sacrificing everything of themselves for her
• She is a more selfish parent–she will not give up her life to cart her kids around
• She recalls an incident at the playground where Virgil was playing in a risky way, hanging from his knees. She disapproves of the cautious new millennial moms overprotecting their children and felt proud of ignoring their disapproving stares. Virgil did fall, and she ran to him. She knew he was basically all right–there was blood on his head and neck, but his eyes were focused and his bones in the right place. But the blood pooled around his left ear. She cleaned him up at home, stomach lurching. It was a gash on the head, no stitches required
• It made her realize how brave her parents were, watching her do gymnastics and risk serious injury every day. How could they watch her break bones, bleed, cry with pain without asking her to stop?
• Her kids will beg to do things that she doesn't feel comfortable with, they will do things behind her back she wouldn't approve of. Her parents were masters at this, of letting her take risks and putting their fears aside to let her have the joy of becoming who she was meant to be–disappointment, pain, frustration, and all.
• As her parents read the book, they will watch her become the person she is meant to be. Great parents set themselves aside to let their children emerge
• Aims to send Virgil and Wyatt into the world armed and ready to experience disappointment, self-doubt, fear, and exhilaration. She wants to be the best parent and to fulfill that by not having to measure it at all.

 

[QuietColours]

And that's Chalked Up!

I have to say, the impression I get is that Sey is a very judgmental person who hates being judged and always has a justification. She also went through a lot of abuse, and I think she's a great example of how "Just quit if you're unhappy!" isn't that easy, and being 18 doesn't automatically mean you are now emotionally and financially independent and can do anything. For all she waited years to write this, I'm not sure how much reflection she actually has here. She has enough self-insight to know that she contributed significantly to her unpleasant situation, but not enough to call out her own biases.

She shows a lot of the worst of the sport. It was fairly astonishing to me how she had exact numbers on weights after all these years--she never mentions any kind of journal or diary she might have been referencing, although she may have had one. I can believe that the numbers were burned into her head, though. It's also entirely possible she was estimating, of course. The verbal and emotional abuse she went through was extreme, and having had multiple coaches later convicted of or banned for CSA is horrific. Especially knowing what was going on with Nassar and Sharp at the time of publication.

She is also constantly nasty about the other athletes, particularly the ones she was in direct competition with. Even when she's talking about their strengths she sounds disparaging. I really wonder what Angie or Yolande think of this book, or if Heather, Cindy, or Linda ever found the book. It's something else that she didn't let her parents read it ahead of time. She's also very judgmental of the coaches as people, not just as coaches, with the sole exception of Lolo--and even there, she's extremely uncomplimentary about her son. Even in the afterwards she's being judgy about the risk tolerance of other moms on the playground. Despite all the work she and her brother have done repairing their relationship, there are still a number of points where she talks about her whole family doing things or supporting things and then leaves him out.

She's convinced she was pretty much the height of mature, graceful gymnastics for the US at the time which is a very interesting perspective.

The book really is an interesting read, but it's definitely one to go into knowing you have an unreliable narrator who is passing themselves off as someone who has done all the work to move past their unreliability. It is not a pleasant read, and her experience is a great perspective of some of the worst the sport had to offer at the time, both by the gymnastics world and how she chose to interact with it..

 

[MaryClare]

I think she believes herself to be extraordinarily talented, not just in gymnastics but in general. Therefore she feels incredibly unaccomplished.

 

[QuietColours]

There was definitely a "I could have worked in film, but the east coast wasn't for me. So instead I have a fall back career of marketing where I became a VP before I was 40" vibe

 

[OnoNoKomachi]

I think she believes herself to be extraordinarily talented, not just in gymnastics but in general. Therefore she feels incredibly unaccomplished.

This tracks. I think it explains how she shoved herself into the limelight with COVID and then trans issues. She has a driving need for attention and for the world to recognize her greatness.

 

[Matilda23]

Did the book say if she has done any counselling or work with mental health therapist?

Did her parents get divorced?

Thanks for summarising, it was very interesting.