Landing on My Feet: A Diary of Dreams by Kerri Strug

[QuietColours]

Landing on My Feet: A Diary of Dreams
By Kerri Strug with John Lopez
Copyright 1997

"For my family and coaches, and in memory of my friend and former teammate Hilary Grivich"

Prologue

• Starts with her limping back to the end of the vault runway
• Few people knew how often Kerri was pushed into the background
• Only choice was to try the final vault–the pain and pressure of one moment were not going to stop her from giving her dream one more time
• Wasn't trying to be a hero, was trying to hit the routine of her life
• When she fell on her first vault, she turned it badly and heard a severe pop
• Said a quiet prayer and told herself, "You can do it, Kerri."
• Had written out an assertion for herself that day. "Kerri, you can and you will have an outstanding performance. Show the world how hard you've worked." It was what she always told herself when times were tough
• The team had hardly spoken that day, they felt the pressure of the team final so much
• The only one to talk at all had been Dawes, who'd forgotten her shoes at the house and needed someone to get them. "I'm not going to be the only one on the awards stand who's not wearing shoes."
• Some girls tried to play cards, but they were too nervous
• Kerri wore her leo pulled up to the waist with a t-shirt with the Olympic Rings. She got her ankles taped and began stretching and running in place. She got her shins taped–they'd been sore since Olympic Trials. She ran routines in her head, telling herself the key word that would take her through every second of the routines. "Bars: Smooth, straight, stretch, catch, clean, long, tall, stretch, smooth, catch, tight, kick, straight, big tap, swing, stick." She visualized perfect routines for each apparatus
• Vault: "Speed, mark, steady arms, stretch, good block, tight turn, stick."
• Watched the Chinese competing and saw lots of Y1.5s getting 9.6s. She was worried they were scoring vault really low–vault was key to the team hopes and Kerri's hopes of making the AA
• Martha noticed her watching the Chinese and refocused her on her warm up
• Looked up at the screen again and saw her friend Svetlana Boguinskaia had fallen on her bar routine
• "Kerri, Kerri, concentrate!" I heard Martha say again
• "Well, here it is," I told Dominique Moceanu. "Let's hit everything," she said.
• Felt that even when she did hit, there was always someone just a little bit higher, a little bit tougher, a little bit sharper. Kim, Shannon, Dom.
• "Why didn't things ever work out the way I planned? Why did coaches doubt me? Why did I always compare myself with others? How could I love this sport so much and feel unfulfilled by it at the same time? Why did the worst injuries come at the worst times? When was it going to be my turn to hit everything? It's all I ever wanted. And all I ever planned."

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 1: "Dr. Strug, your little girl has the perfect body for this sport."

• 8th Birthday
  • Prepared a list for her eighth birthday party. Kerri always did lists and planning–she liked to plan everything to the last detail. This list was her perfect birthday. It turned out her idea of a perfect day was a little different from her friends, and she took gymnastics a bit more seriously than other people:
    • 2:00: Friends arrive
    • 2:15: Put on Nadia
    • 4:00: Cake and presents
    • 4:30: Play in backyard, party ends
  • Nadia was her favorite moving–she watched it hundreds of times and already knew it word for word. She watched it getting ready for school, after school/practice, on weekends, took it on vacation. Her family could tell her to turn down the volume and she'd watch it and fill in the dialogue herself
  • Her friends weren't really interested in the movie. Only one stayed to watch the whole thing and didn't leave to go play in the yard–that one was probably because she shot a look telling her not to go
  • Hurt and angry her friends didn't understand her love for gymnastics
• Liked doing lots of things, but knew she would pass on all of them to do gymnastics
• Fell in love with the sport in 1984 and was obsessed. By 1988 (age 8) had been in the sport for four years. She wasn't competing yet,but she'd done some exhibitions. Her older sister's out-of-town coaches thought she had talent and wanted her parents to let her join their clubs too, but her parents thought she was too young to leave home.
• Lisa is eight years older. Kerri's gymnastics obsession started when she began copying her gymnastics moves when she was four. Sometimes Lisa would teach her something after practice. Would pretend to be Nadia and Mary Lou. Dad said she was his least expensive child–the only toy she wanted was a leotard, and she never wore out her shoes because she was walking on her hands
• Changed his mind after 11 years of coaches, doctors, trainers, and physical therapists!
• Parents weren't happy she devoted so much time to gymnastics. But it was her father's dedication, work ethic, speed, and strength and her mother's dance and ballet talent that let her succeed in the sport
• Father grew up in New Orleans, grandson of Russian-Jewish refugees. He was born with a fractured clavicle, giving him a much weaker right arm. But he was still voted best athlete in four years running at camp, played baseball, tennis, track, and football (despite being 5'5). Went on to become a surgeon like his father and still plays tennis when he can
• Met her mother at a party. One month into the relationship, she transferred college to be near him. Three months later, they were planning their marriage. Her dad to Kerri: If you ever do something that dumb for a boy, I'll strangle you"
• Dad was on the front line for the development of bypass surgeries, training six days a week 5:30-22:00, on call 24 hours every other day. He also moonlighted as an ER doctor when her sister Lisa was a toddler and her brother Kevin was on the way
• Mom spent her little free time practicing ballet–even studied with the Houston ballet.
• Kerri found it easy to identify with the struggles her father had during this time, thinking about all the sacrifices they both made to achieve their dreams.
• 1976 her parents moved to Tucson to start her dad's practice; Kerri was born the next year. Her dad was working at 5 different hospitals, performing 2 or 3 open heart surgeries a day and working 5:30 AM-8:00 PM. He didn't start limiting his workload until 1996, and he still works 7-7
• Dad jokes that sewing is the family talent–one of his grandfathers was a tailor, the other worked in the garment district; his father was a surgeon. "We've all sewn in this family. And you, Kerri, you get sewn."
• Scars
  • Ripped her knee from the top of the kneecap to the top of her shin on a screw doing kips on the back yard swing set
  • Busted chin doing front flips off a swing in 1st grade
  • Ran into the corner of the dresser with her forehead
  • Jammed and sprained wrists and ankles so much that ace bandages are a regular part of the wash
• Parents could see the injury trend at an early age and tried her in other sports. Tennis was boring; finished last in her swim race and had trouble finding a suit small enough to fit; liked skiing, but it wasn't very accessible in Tucson. Ballet was fun for a while
• Parents kept the living room unfurnished until she was six and the kids used it as a home gym. They were all unhappy when they came home and found out their mother had finally furnished the room
• Mom ran all the kids to gymnastics and Kevin to baseball and Kerri to dance. Had to be in three places at once. Kids did a lot of homework in the car; the ringer on the microwave was the dinner bell. But Sundays were family days. Each kid got a Sunday a month to plan the activity, with the parents planning the fourth. Kerri always chose Chuck E Cheese pizza.
• Lisa was very successful in gymnastics, making it to the Junior Olympics. She was invited to the National Academy of Artistic Gymnastics in Eugene, Oregon, where she trained under Dick Mulvilhill with Tracee Talavera and Juliana McNamara. Her parents didn't like and tried to talk her out of it, but left for this in 1982
• Lisa had been Kerri's idol–did everything together, slept in Lisa's room, had the outgoing, bubbly personality Kerri wished she had. And both Lisa and Kevin were tougher than Kerri, emotionally. Kerri describes herself as shy and reclusive, internalizing everything and never letting anyone outside her family know what she's thinking.
• Took Kerri weeks to get over Lisa leaving
• Whenever they would visit Lisa, Kerri would bring her to-do lists
• Two years later, Lisa went back to Oregon and Kerri got to do a summer camp there
• In 1983, Lisa did a summer at Karolyi's. Her parents weren't sure about Bela, but it was what Lisa wanted. Steve Nunno was assisting Bela at the time. The atmosphere was terrific, and she trained with Mary Lou Retton, Dianne Durham, and Beth Pope. On a visit, Kerri was amazed at the skills MLR and Dianne could do, but doesn't remember much about Bela and Martha from the trip
• In the hotel and at the gym, Kerri (not yet 7) would bounce around practicing tricks she saw the elites do
• At the end of the trip Gisi Oltean, who had defected from Romania about the same time as the Karolyis, told her father that Kerri had the perfect body for the sport, and in Romania it wasn't unusual to send little ones to the gym where they could get a good education and become a top athlete. She wanted them to send Kerri to the Karolyi's. Her dad said absolutely not.
• When Lisa was at Steve Nunno's gym in Oklahoma City, Shannon was beginning her career there, and Steve asked the Strugs about Kerri. A year later, Dick Mulvihill tried to convince them to send her to Oregon. Kerri wanted to get more involved–all these people were telling her parents this was something she should try. Lisa was good at gymnastics and Kerri loved it; why shouldn't she try?
• She knew what she was getting into–she knew Lisa's career was hampered by injuries and her decision to become a normal teenager. She had had a compound elbow fracture, a stress fracture of the ankle, and a stress fracture in her back. She was in a position to get a scholarship to UCLA, but chose to leave the sport behind instead. Kevin, two years younger, also earned a gymnastics scholarship but turned it down to become a computer analyst
• "A social life? Hey, I was shy anyway."
• Lisa would brag to her friends that Kerri knew every member of the '84 team and every score they had received
• She was already doing stunts that were advanced for her age, she was going to be short (parents were 5'5 and 4'11), she knew what it took to be an elite, and she wanted it

 

[Matilda23]

Never knew Kerri had Russian great-grandparents or that her sister was a high level gymnast too!

 

[Big_rock_show]

Nice to hear about her love for gymnastics after reading Chelle’s story

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 2: Do you really want to do this?

• Kerri was 10 years old preparing for the Junior B American Classic. She was working a piked tsuk, then a relatively uncommon vault for a junior (1987), and landed on her head, driving her chin into her chest. She felt a pop and lost her wind
• Had been going all out for weeks because Classics was just two months away and being held in her home state. She was training with Jim Gault, the University of Arizona coach, who had recently begun training her and Rose McLaughlin (age 12)
• Before that, she was at the Gymnastics Center in Tucson with Ellen Hinkle and Don Gutzler
• In most meets, Rose edged her out for first, but she was also one of Kerri's biggest supporters and told her she was really advanced for how long she'd been doing things
• Was just starting to do advanced optional routines. Moved to Class III when she was 8 and finished first at states in the 9-11 group
  • First time she got a 9 from the judges
  • Gymnastics ladder at the time Class III -> Class II -> Class I → Junior B Elite → Junior A Elite, usually the top 12 and 13 year olds
  • Kerri was progressing so quickly she jumped from Class III to Junior B Elite the next year (presumably age 9–she jumps around a lot in time)
  • Could do a standing layout on beam and a double full somersault on floor (double tuck or double twist is unclear)
  • Mr. Gault was a good coach for fundamentals and proper technique. Kirstin Jones' mother (a gymnast in Tucson and her mother a gymnastics judge) told Kerri's mom that she should get Kerri a top-level coach and thought they should have Mr. Gault come and watch her workout. Mrs. Strug didn't think he'd be interested in Kerri because she was so young, but she started working with him after that
  • Rose also started working with him. They trained with him three days a week from 6-8/8:30, after he was done with the college team
  • His technique had a lot of positive reinforcement, which Kerri responds well to. He wasn't tough or mean, but he pushed them; they did excellent conditioning and he was an expert teacher
  • She'd ask to learn something new and he'd be right there when she went headlong into a new trick
• The pike tsuk error was a miscommunication–he thought she was doing something else, and she pushed off too late
• Doctor told them the injury was a fractured sternum
  • Mom fainted–a nurse had to carry her out
  • Kerri's first thought was "Oh, no. There goes American Classic"
  • It was her first major injury and came at a bad time
  • Was told no gymnastics for at least a couple of months. She was back in a little under 2 months. She also missed nearly two weeks of school–could hardly get out of bed
  • Would roll onto her stomach, slip one foot on the floor, slowly slid the other leg out, then standing up slowly. It hurt to breathe and sneezing and coughing was agony
  • Out of gym for six weeks; parents thought it would be the end of her career
  • Kerri was more disturbed by her anger–on the day of American Classic, she made her mother drive her to Phoenix to watch.
  • First time she saw Shannon (a year older) compete. Shannon easily won the Junior B Classic, and Kerri wondered if she'd ever be able to compete with her. It was her first time comparing herself with someone else, and that turned into a bad habit that was difficult to break
• At the US Classic the next year, at 10, she just missed the Junior B team. Being on the same floor as Bela made a big impression on her. She got autographs from the 1988 team
• Finally made Junior B at American Classic in Oakland, CA in 1989. She won AA, floor, beam, and bars. She won at regional meets and national meets. First international meet was the 1989 Junior Pacific Alliance–finished 3rd in the AA
• Routines got harder and injuries harder to shake off
• She always wanted to try new, harder tricks. Moved up to Junior A and won almost everything at the American Classic–vault, floor, and bars–and placed in the AA and beam. First time competing against Amanda Borden and Amy Chow
• Trained with Scott Crouse in Fort Worth for a summer on Mr. Gault's recommendation. Met Sunshine Smyth–three years older, quickly became best friends like she had had with Lisa. Also developed a lifelong friendship with Katie Rose, who she met in fourth grade. Katie took it on herself to help Kerri overcome her extreme shyness–always took her to parties, whether Kerri wanted to go or not. Planned to compete in the 1992 OIympics with Sunshine then compete at UCLA together
• At 12 and successful, she was starting to think about the 1992 Olympics, and wondered if Mr. Gault had enough time in his busy collegiate schedule to get her there. Appreciated everything he did for her–he was also often over for dinner or tea, drove her home from practice a lot (often stopping for hamburgers). He took a lot of the pressure off of her
• Also took pressure of her Mom, Dad, and brother Kevin for driving her. Kevin has never complained about the stress of her gymnastics. Often took her along on his dates to make sure she got to experience the world outside of gymnastics
• 1990 Dutch Open
  • Meet where she realized she needed more than Mr. Gault could offer her.
  • Wasn't getting the intense training she needed–Mr. Gault had been away for a full week before they left for Holland, taking the Arizona team to NCAA championships–they were always his first priority. She understood, but wished she had his full attention
  • Had to go to Phoenix and train with a coach she didn't know very well
  • He did accompany her to Holland, but she felt underprepared and outclassed. Many of the Romanian and Soviet athletes were 1988 veterans
  • Reporters asked her why the US had sent her instead of Kim Zmeskal. She often bit her lip or a callus on her hand in responded she didn't know why they'd sent her instead
  • Finished 3rd AA, 2nd on bars and beam, 3rd on floor. Couldn't believe it when they hung the medals on her neck. First time she had kids ask for her autograph
• Started thinking about how strong and prepared Bela's athletes always seemed, including her sister when she trained there. Kerri had competed at a Zone meet at Bela's gym, and was excited when he complemented her and told her to keep working–and it didn't feel like she was working.
• Would stay in the gym after practice conditioning. When training with Mr. Gault, had to be talked into stopping practice. She was only comfortable in the gym–some kids at school had never heard her speak because she was so shy
• Told her parents she wanted to go to Karolyi's. Her mother said she was crazy, and her face looked like it had when Kerri broke her sternum. Kerri spent the next few weeks campaigning for this–lists, positives and negatives (she could only think of positives). She wanted to be the best, so she had to train with the best. She was a year ahead in school and making straight As, so they knew she would keep up with her schoolwork. Lisa had gone there so her parents knew what he was like as a coach. Next year she'd be in high school and NCAA rules would prevent Mr. Gault from coaching her. Parents kept saying they wanted Kerri with them.
• Finally her father said that if she wanted and was willing to sacrifice for it, they had to let her go
• Since the holidays were coming up, she would go to Houston on trial basis and could come home if it didn't work. Kerri had just turned 13. Mrs. Strug talked to Martha and made arrangements for setting up a visit
• From that point on, when Kerri left home to train, her parents demanded she have her triangle–the gym, the school, and the host family. All had to be equally acceptable and supportive of the ultimate goal. Home schooling and correspondence courses were unacceptable. She would tell any athlete to follow the same rule–any time she broke it, it nearly broke her
• Kerri would stay with Jennie Thompson's family, five minutes from the gym. The school was Northland Christian, a good school that could accommodate her schedule. The coaches were Bela and Martha–the best
• For Christmas 1990, Kerri asked for a diary because she knew her mom wouldn't be there for her every day any more.
• Petrified and thrilled at the same time; had no idea how much pain and pleasure would come from that point on. That diary and future diaries were like talking to her family and friends–her therapist, psychologist, doctor, and friend

 

[RedBirdie]

Kinda amusing to see Kerri call Northland Christian a good school right after reading Carrol Stack absolutely trash it as worthless.

 

[QuietColours]

Yeah, I'm kind of inclined to believe Carrol here, honestly. Religious schools that market themselves as accommodating weird sports schedules aren't usually top academic academies

 

[Hatsumomo]

A broken sternum sounds godawful and yet, the better outcome of landing a vault on one's head.

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 3: "What about the new girl?"

• In awe to be one of Bela's girls
  • Some considered it bad, some considered it the ultimate distinction
  • Some gymnasts, judges, coaches, and sportswriters despise Bela, calling him abusive, manipulative, and exploitive
  • Others consider him solely responsible for lifting American gymnastics to the top of the world–an innovative genius who adopted Communist-bloc sports philosophies so they worked in the free world
  • Had trained nearly 30 Olympians at this point and his team had won medals in every Olympics since 1976
  • Gym was a simple workspace with some banners and posters, good but well-used equipment. Smelled like chalk and sweat. The locker room was just a changing space
  • She was in awe and scared to death
  • Had talked to Lisa and others about what to expect
  • Had just turned 13–was perhaps too young. Gymnastics was coming under more criticism for turning to younger athletes. But she knew what she was getting into, and critics who suggested she didn't were wrong
  • Critics of girls leaving home and going to other gyms would have had a field day to see barely 13, 4'6 70 lb Kerri looking scared to death walking into the gym on the first day
  • How could her parents let them steal her youth? Body would be abused by the 8 hours of rigorous training a day. Physical development would be damaged. Mind would be manipulated. She'd be pushed too far and suffer permanent emotional damage. She'd miss all the normal things about growing up. She'd heard it 1000 times already and would hear it again, but her dream was worth putting up with all the criticisms and risks–leaving home and going to Bela's was right for her
  • How is it different from a 13 year old football player smashing his body into blockers and spending hours lifting weights, or Little Leaguers with abusive parents for coaches (is there a term for this in popular culture? I'm not sure)
  • In her opinion, the difference between her and amateur boxers doing hundreds of fights a year or lots of other (mostly male dominated) sports doing intense training young was that she was 4'6 and wore a ponytail
• On Bela and Martha
  • Hated Bela and Martha for some of what they said and did, but she also loved them because they made her better, even before she won her first World or Olympic medals. They took care of her and protected her and were good people, but they were people from a different world with a different approach to life
  • Bela had to deal with a lot of backstabbing as he climbed the political ladder in Romania. Bela and Martha originally made a lot of their own gymnastics training equipment and used borrowed mattresses. Nadia on the playground story.
  • Bela was invited on a hunting trip with Ceausescu. It was an honor, but the president wasn't actually interested in him and he was warned that he was forbidden from shooting any game animals on the trip. He saw a black bear threaten a ranger–before he realized he could shoot the air to scare the animal away, the ranger was mauled. If he had shot the bear, the ranger would have lived but the life he and Martha had built would have been ended.
  • Standard Bela defection story, complete with dockworker plotline. Has the nice detail of Bart Conner working with Congressman Bill Archer to secure Andrea Karolyi's release from Romania
  • Bela was a dream maker
  • The ranch was for summer training and isolation before major competitions–the Houston gym was the primary training home
• In the gym
  • Unprepared for the intensity and competition in the gym. There were 8 in the elite training group, and six of the seven had a huge head start on Kerri. Larissa Fontaine joined the group about the same time Kerri did
  • Everyone seemed better than her
    • She had 1 or 2 routines on bars, they had 3 or 4
    • She had a handspring front on vault, they were working yurchenkos
    • She was the runt of the group
  • Only four girls were still there at World Trials 10 months later
    • Chelle was the oldest–an '88 Olympian, outspoken, but had missed an individual medal in Seoul and was the victim of the springboard technicality–Bela never forgot or forgave Berger giving them the deduction there. Left Bela's five months after Kerri started
    • Larissa had a hard time adjusting the the training schedule and had some injury and also left after about five months
    • Amy Scheer was talented and had a big heart–she was always pushing herself in practice and was a great influence on everyone, but she got sick and had a hard time recovering. Finally quit gymnastics about six months after Kerri arrived
    • Erica Stokes was a beamer. She was with Bela for a long time, but injuries convinced her to move on. She ended up with Nunno at Dynamo
    • Other three elites were Kim, Betty, and Hilary Grivich
      • Betty was beautiful and one of the best in the world on beam, but was constantly injured
      • Hilary was wild and boisterous with a great sense of humor
      • Kim was the clear leader and one of Bela's favorites. She wasn't always the best in training, but she always performed in meets, and that was what Bela loved about her
    • When asked about the new girl (Kerri), Bela said he didn't know about her yet. "Right now, Kerri is saying, "Yes, world, look at Kim. Don't look at me."" Kerri knew this assessment was accurate
• Training
  • A means to an end. Treated every workout with the discipline of a meet. Went all out every practice or risked being thrown out. Very specific break and water times
  • Bela would bring in real judges for verifications
  • Bela emphasized hard, aerobic work and conditioning. 20-30 minutes of running, jump squats every few steps, jumps into half turns, jumps in full turns, dance runs; 6-8 sets of 40-50 situps–backs and sides; pull ups with hands in different positions. Dozens of vault timers. Then perfected compulsory routines. 6 or 7 days a week, 2 or 3 times a day–whichever Bela decided
  • School was 10:30-2:30, then an hour nap before PT at 4:30. With Bela, you went to PT every day, no matter what.
  • Afternoons were for optional routines and learning new tricks (she always uses 'trick', not 'skill'). Workouts were usually an hour longer than scheduled. After practice, you sometimes had private lessons to work on something specific or choreography with Geza Pozar
  • The closer they got to US Championships and World Trials, the more Bela and Martha turned up the pressure for perfection–they wanted to use 1991 Worlds to make up for the disappointment of 1988, and they'd be a good gauge for what to expect in Barcelona.
  • February 13, 1991, Kerri's diary:
    • Things have been okay. Chelle's heel is not fractured, so she's probably going to American Cup. Amy is still out. Larissa has hyperextended her elbow and I'm hurting all over. My back is sore, my stomach has a pulled muscle, my heel is bruised, and my legs are really sore. But I'm doing well, even though everything hurts.
  • The more she learned, the more she wanted to learn. Bela and Martha were tough, but they were in training.
  • Bela would raise his voice to tell you what you did wrong, or turn away shaking his head and you knew it was time to try again. Martha could make you feel so good about what you were doing one minute and the next with just a look, stare, or word you'd want to crawl under the mats. She demanded perfection and Kerri was grateful she did

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 3, Part 2:

• Competitions
  • Never at peak for every competition because they worked so hard with no rest
  • 4th at Alamo City Classic, her first meet with Bela
  • First AA of 39 at the Buckeye Classic
  • Was exhausted at American Cup and didn't do well
  • Sprained her ankle badly after that and was out for three weeks, which was very stressful. "Today was the first time Bela was really mean to me. I couldn't do my routines. It was all mind games." Got in trouble for trying to practice hurt, which is different from practicing in pain. Hated sitting out
  • Bela and Martha quickly figured out she didn't respond to well to harsh criticism. Kim, Betty, and Hilary could handle it–Bela would blow up, they'd get mad and nail it next time. Kerri became tentative and sad, would go to her room and cry.
  • Became the one of the strongest girls in the gym and consistently won verifications. But Kim and Betty would always win at meets. Began pushing herself harder and harder, thinking practice would get her over the nervousness at meets. She was always great in practice–Bela and the other girls knew it, but no one else did. Bela commented that when you start getting excited and wanting to fire Kerri up, she retreated like a little bird
• Family
  • Calls home were longer and more frequent–$300+ long distance bills
  • Counted the days until her parents could visit her
  • Did weekend trips to her Aunt Ann and Uncle Don's, which were lifesavers
  • Long phone calls with Sunshine and Katie. Katie also sent care packages of gum, candy, stationery, and other things from home
  • Was very homesick, very sore. Would call her mom and say she wanted to come home. Her mom would tell her she could be on the next plane. But after a nap and therapy and how close Championships and Worlds were, she'd decide to stay.
  • Realized she'd need a lift to keep going–the triangle was working, but she needed something more. Started calling Sunshine more and talking about anything but gymnastics. During her weekends at her Uncle's, she got really into movies. Took up arts and crafts, did lots of reading
  • Encourages every elite athlete to have things outside of their sport
  • Parents told her to consider her Olympic quest like going off to college. She should work hard on it. But she could come home any time and nothing would be different. If she got it, great. If not, she would still have the experience and could move on to something else.
  • June 6, 1991 she was 13 months away from it. In the six months since arriving at Bela's, she'd learned she had what it took physically. US Championships and World Trials would be her entrance exams

 

[QuietColours]

Kerri's reflection on training at Bela's is I think textbook example of how people can share a training experience day in and day out and one comes out of it calling it abusive and the other calls it just pushing. She's very clear that she picked the situation, she wanted it, and she chose to stay.

It is worth noting that Bela treated her a little differently from the other athletes--it's one of the few times we hear about Bela changing his training style to match an athlete's needs (although it also sounds like she got plenty of Karolyi mind games and yelling).

It's also interesting to read all the accounts about Bela getting angry at the athletes for getting injured, and then reading Kerri's account that he didn't get mad at her for getting injured--he got mad at her for training injured.

Maybe if he let them rest occasionally, they'd be able to peak better for competitions, would have fewer injuries, and injuries would heal better...

Reading about Kerri's parents is a fairly significant contrast to reading Claudia's account of Shannon's training. I don't think they ever liked Kerri doing elite gymnastics, and they constantly seem ready to pull her from it at any moment, if she gives the word or if they decide things are out of control. You can definitely criticize the environments they let her go to and how far they let her push, but they don't seem to have ever let gymnastics define her. Also noteworthy that Lisa was able to leave the sport so easily--they let her do the same things they're letting Kerri do, but she was able to quit as soon as she wanted to and find a new path.

 

[Big_rock_show]

I think the difference is control. Kerri always felt in control of her situation. She was choosing to stay, she was choosing to push herself, she was choosing the world of world-class gymnastics.

I think Claudia felt like Nunno was in control, and there wasn't another option if she wanted Shannon to be a champion.

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 4: "For regular people, today is a holiday"
Notes: Detailed conversation of diets and athlete weights

• US Championships
  • Decided it would be a good meet when she got Bazooka Joe bubble gum at the hotel gift shop–her favorite. Chewed a lot of gum since they couldn't eat much; liked the fortunes and proverbs on the wrappers because she's superstitious. This time she got "Success is limited only by your desire."
  • Keeps to herself before major competitions. Realized the importance of positive thinking and focus when she got to Bela's and "You can" and "You will" became reoccurring terms in her diary. Had to have the right attitude to handle Bela and Martha, and saw how far positive thinking had gotten Bela
  • Believed in herself here and beat the nerves. It was her first major senior elite competition, and she was 3rd AA, 3rd on bars, and 1st on vault. Kim and Kerri tied for the best AA optional score. Sandy Woolsey was 2nd on vault, Shannon was 3rd–just a couple of years ago, she'd wondered if she'd ever be good enough to compete with Shannon, and now she had defeated her
  • Kim, who won the AA, got most of the press attention
  • Got to see her family after the meet and celebrate with them. She could turn professional and get up to $20,000/year from the gymnastics federation–maybe more with sponsors and doing tours. But she didn't want that–she still wanted to compete for UCLA. Her dad teased her about how serious she looked during her routines (he knew she was enjoying herself)
  • Nerves did regularly affect her performances, and she knew that Bela, Martha, and her teammates were never sure how she would respond at a particular competition. Thought about consulting a sports psychologist. She was also already looking forward to getting back in the gym
  • Night before she went back to Houston, she got depressed and begged her mom to come with her
• Houston
  • Bela moved them out to the ranch for six weeks of intense workouts. They worked out up to 8 hours a day in the hot, humid, Houston summer
  • Shins began to bother her so much she had to get bone scans. She was so tired she kept falling asleep during the procedure, so they had to start over again. Found out she had stress fractures–nothing too bad, and she got a nice nap. Took it easy for a few days and then was back to the usual in the gym
  • Life at the ranch was unbelievably monotonous. Had always done her training somewhere where she could stay involved in something else, but here they were isolated from everything and time ran together. The only date that mattered was September 6th–World Championships
  • In July, Bela announced they would no longer leave the ranch on weekends. Kerri found it even harder to concentrate. She knew it was just Bela's constant testing (her words), but she didn't like it
  • Shortly after hurt her hand badly on a back handspring tuck kickout when she jammed her hand on the side of the beam. She ignored the pain and finished the workout, but the hand swelled up and was very sore. Bela looked at it but didn't say anything–she thinks they both realized it would take some time to heal, and it would affect her training for World Trials, only a month away. She was stressed–why was she always the unlucky one?
  • She got to leave the ranch for a few hours to get it examined. Kim also needed treatment, so Bela had a trainer drive them to Houston to see a doctor. Kim and Kerri begged and convinced the trainer to take them to Pizza Uno's on the way to the doctor. Bela would kill them if he found out
  • Diets at the ranch were chicken, rice, and salads. No fat dressing, no fat milk, and big treats were fruit bowls. Martha watched their diets closely. They weighed themselves regularly and tried to stay in specific ranges. The newspapers were full of stories of elite coaches starving gymnasts and causing eating disorders–and those problems exist in the sport. But they had realistic goals that offered them the best chance to succeed in a time when international judges favored small bodies with big difficulty routines (her words)
  • Weight goals were different for everyone. Kim was 4'7 and powerfully built and couldn't compete at a high level unless she stayed in a certain range. Betty, 5'4 and longer built, could carry more weight and still compete at a high level. Kerri was the smallest of all, and her ideal weight at that time was about 80 lbs. They stayed in their ranges by eating chicken and rice and little fat
  • It was easier to deal with ranch food when they could eat something different on weekends. Kerri's Aunt and Uncle would take her out for frozen yogurt, good pasta, or maybe lean steak. The food at the ranch was getting to them as much as the practice–they ordered a deep dish cheese pizza at Pizza Unos
  • A local sportswriter saw them there and greeted them. They thought they were dead. But the writer didn't say anything–Kerri later thanked him for that. He said sportswriters train on pizza too
  • The hand wasn't broken
  • Thinks everyone felt sorry for the athletes training at the ranch–they knew not all of them would make the Olympics and would be disappointed no matter how hard they worked
  • Bela was looked on as a bad guy for allegedly training too hard, starving them, and putting too much pressure on them. He had enemies in the gymnastics world. Elite coaches resented the attention he got; judges disliked that he'd point out mistakes if he thought they'd made one. Bela and the girls knew it was going to be difficult for them all to make the 1992 team
  • The athletes began competing against each other. She liked her teammates (and implies they liked her), but being the third or fourth best girl wasn't going to get them to the Olympics. Kim was the star. The judges loved Kim and Betty. But where did that leave Hilary and Kerri?
  • Erica left for Nunno's, saying she needed a change–just walked into the cabin and started packing one day. Kerri knew she would never leave Bela's
  • They had a verification meet and Kerri treated it like Championships. She won. She wondered why she always won when it didn't count
  • They never carried their rivalries outside the gym–they pulled together as a team for big meets
  • A couple of months after Amy left, she came back for a visit. The girls wanted to do a sleepover, but Martha and Betty's grandmother (who stayed at the ranch) came in at 10:30, much later than they usually would. Amy hid in the closet and the other girls covered for 45 minutes while Martha chatted there with Betty's grandmother. Martha eventually decided she wanted some sheets and opened the closet, but she wasn't too upset when she found Amy there. Kerri think Martha knew Amy was there all along
• World Trials
  • They were thrilled to see a gym that wasn't the ranch!
  • All four girls made the team. Kim won, Kerri finished third, Bela was named head coach. The remaining team members were Michelle Campi and Shannon, with Sandy Woolsey as alternate
• Pre Worlds
  • Went straight to Indianapolis; Bela was motivating and molding the seven of them into a team like only he could. He's really good at figuring out the strengths and weaknesses of any time and at getting minds and bodies ready for a big meet
  • At workouts, he constantly encouraged, energized, and inspired
• Worlds
  • All their performances were incredible
  • Won silver as a team, barely edged out for gold by the Soviets
  • Beat the Romanians for the first time ever, which made Bela happy
  • Kim won the AA and took bronze on floor; Shannon won silver on UB; Betty won bronze on beam
  • The crowd was behind them the whole time, making the atmosphere especially thrilling
  • Kerri didn't meet all her individual goals, but she hit everything and had no complaints. She was only 13 and had won a World silver medal.
  • Kerri was 3-pered out of the AA competition by Kim, Shannon, and Betty. She really wanted to compete for an individual medal but figured she'd have other chances because she was so young
  • Was in awe of how Kim handled all the attention, how she seemed comfortable and confident with it
  • The final day of competition was Bela's birthday and the Karolyis were so happy with their performances that they gave the gymnasts a piece of cake and nonalcoholic daiquiris. Bela said they could have a sip champagne, but Kerri didn't
  • Stayed awake for hours thinking of how far she'd come and how close the 1992 games were

 

[Big_rock_show]

At this point Kerri seems to speak so highly of Bela and Marta. I wonder if this hadn’t been written so soon after her Atlanta success if she would still speak as highly.

 

[RedBirdie]

the normalization (and defense) of what was, at best, highly disordered eating is so so so hard for me to read.

 

[QuietColours]

There's a lot of that--and a lot of numbers around weight--in the book. Would people like me to make notes when a chapter contains it?

 

[OnlyBeansOnToast]

the normalization (and defense) of what was, at best, highly disordered eating is so so so hard for me to read.

I converted 80lbs to KGs and my jaw hit the floor.

 

[Kittentoes]

the normalization (and defense) of what was, at best, highly disordered eating is so so so hard for me to read.

Yeah, between the crazy ideas about pediatric diabetes, the diet culture of the time, and my love of gymnastics, I learned a lot then. Still working on unlearning it.

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 5: "No winner is predetermined"

• Back in Houston
  • Feelings of happiness began to fade quickly. It wasn't Kim (or Betty)'s fault; they were older and more experienced; Kim had been with Bela for eight years, Kerri had been there for one. Kim just had the aura of a champion, and Kerri was getting jealous
  • She knew that every day in the gym she did as well or better than Kim, she felt she worked harder, she never took days off and just taped whatever was aching, but Kim had something extra during meets that Kerri just didn't have.
  • Bela tried to encourage Kerri and worried about how she compared herself to others. He told her she had a different body type than Kim, agility and quickness, explosive power–a lot of muscle and a solid body. Sometimes when she worked, she overdid it. She would have her day, she just had to be confident
  • Bela was also telling people Kim's world title would be worth .1 in every competition from then on. Kerri felt more pressure, and the more people encouraged her the more pressure she felt.
  • Lisa was the main one who could cheer her up. She would also imitate Bela and Martha to Kerri, something Kerri never had the guts to do. She also told Kerri that the difference between them was that for Lisa, there came a point when she was able to let go of gymnastics and move on–Kerri was never able to let go, and wouldn't be able to until she got what she really wanted
• Winter 1991-1992
  • Bela decided they needed to stay in Houston and train over the holidays. Kerri was very upset. They had a party at the gym and drew names at the gym and exchanged gifts–Kim and Kerri drew each other's names. Everyone laughed about wanting to do a skit about Bela and Martha, but no one had the guts to do it
  • One girl did tease Martha in a skit, saying, "Because it's Christmas, you get two grapes!" Martha was upset–the gymnasts' eating habits were always a touchy subject
  • They stayed up until 3 and then had practice at 8 am on Christmas Eve morning. They had the afternoon off, so Kerri went to Ann and Don's
  • By late January they had a very intense schedule. Bela was trying to get the into top competition shape for the final push. Kerri says it might not have been the best strategy. In three months, they did a couple exhibitions, American Cup, World Championships in Paris. Then they would have US Championships. The athletes were concerned about if they could perform their best each time out, but they pushed on
  • The pressure and tension turned Kerri into an insomniac, unable to fall asleep until a few hours before she needed to wake up. She talked to her father and other doctors. Initially they thought it might be a thyroid issue, but testing ruled out physical issues. Bela and Martha were concerned but not worried, because Kerri never let anything affect her workouts. Sunshine told her it was because she put too much pressure on herself and always wanted to be perfect
• Spring 1992
  • Bela gave her lots of chances. He'd always say, "This is the meet you're going to hit at."
  • American Cup on March 6-hit everything strong early, but faltered on floor and finished less than .2 from making the AA–she was the third best American and was 2pered. Kim won, Shannon was third. Kim also won vault and floor
  • Did well at the World Championship Challenge in Paris
  • Did some interviews that went badly
    • When asked about her place behind Kim and Betty, she said, "Kim has done so much in the past couple of years that people put her above the rest of us. She deserves to be there, but sometimes I feel like saying, 'You know, I'm here too.'"
    • ABC did some interviews and Kerri said she was as good or better than Kim in the gym, but that Kim had mental toughness that made her a champion. ABC edited out the last bit, so it just sounded like Kerri was saying she thought she was better than Kim. The edited version was what Kim heard, and she was hurt
  • The trainer Leslie Spencer saw how everything as affecting Kerri and gave her some motivational articles, including that anyone can win, that she didn't want Kerri to look back and wish she had one more chance, and that everyone has equal opportunity–anyone can win at any time, the winner isn't predetermined.
  • At Championships, had trouble on vault in the first day but was fourth at the start of the second day. Shannon was coming back from her elbow and could only do compulsories; Betty couldn't participate because of a stress fracture in her back. Those are the major two injuries she mentions that lead to the controversy, then adds Michelle Campi suffered an injury before trials. She says the controversy prevented the 1992 team from becoming close-knit
  • Kim won Championships (third consecutive title), and Kerri was second. She won vault, tied Kim for first on beam, and finished second behind Kim on floor. All of Bela's girls qualified for trials
• Trials
  • They could tell Bela was feeling pressured and fighting some kind of battle after trials. Because of Shannon and Betty's injuries, there was a dispute on how Trials would work. Bela knew Betty's injury was too severe for her to compete at Trials; Nunno had pulled Shannon out of Championships after compulsories. After discussion among Bela, Steve, other coaches, and the Federation, it was decided Betty could petition onto the team at a training camp after Trials. Shannon could compete in Trials even though she didn't finish Championships. And after Michelle Campi injured her elbow, the federation allowed her Championships score to stand for her Trials score instead of competing there
  • Championships was supposed to count 30% and Trials 70% toward qualifying for the team. For Shannon, Trials was 100%; for Michelle, Championships was 100%
  • It seemed weird–they would have Trials, but not really. None of them knew what was happening. Bela convinced them to just keep working, but tension was high, especially for Bela
  • Kerri's family had been planning a surprise party for her father's 50th birthday. Everyone would meet at her Uncle Don's, on a Sunday when Kerri wouldn't be training. Sunshine and Kerri's mother were flying in. Bela found out and decided she couldn't go, and scheduled a late afternoon practice for the day. Martha told her she shouldn't be going to parties and eating cake–all you (Kerri) think about is parties. Kerri says she'll never forget this, and that she was very upset and time with her family was very special. After their workout the next day she was allowed to go out for a quick family dinner for her father's birthday. She blames the stress they were under for the Karolyis' decision
  • Before Trials, they were told the seven qualifiers plus Betty would go to the training camp in France, where the final 6 member team would be chosen and an alternate determined.
  • Kerri was third in compulsories behind Shannon (1st) and Kim (2nd). Hilary was in trouble, in 8th. Bela was going crazy over inconsistent scoring, especially for Kim and Hilary. Kerri was feeling good and doing fine. Bela thought Kim wasn't getting the scores she deserved.
  • Before optionals, Kerri got a massage. The trainer told her how tense she was. Kerri told herself to concentrate on making the top 7
  • Optionals were the toughest mental test she'd had yet. She hit vault, bars, and beam very well, but then fell apart on floor. She nearly fell on her last pass, which had an element she'd only added the week before Trials, and she went OOB, which she deems even worse. Martha told her, "You blew it."
  • She ended up finishing third overall because her other scores were so strong.
  • Kerri was thrilled, but Bela and Kim were upset because Shannon using 100% her Trials scores ranked her above Kim, who should have been first using the Championships + Nationals rankings. Hilary missed the team by less than .2–a badly timed shoulder injury had affected her bars performance
  • There was confusion on if they had actually named the team–they were introduced as the team and had a ceremony, but they knew there was a chance the team would change and they didn't know who would be disappointed. Michelle was named based on her Championships scores even though no one knew if she'd recover quickly enough
  • Hilary's gymnastics career was over. It was also the first time she saw Kim look anything less than 100% confident–the second place finish had hit her hard
• Camp
  • There would be pre-Olympic camp in Florida. Betty would compete and it would be determined if Michelle was back from her injury. One of the seven girls from trials would be cut
  • Most people predicted Kim or Wendy Bruce would be cut; Kerri saw some predictions it would be her because she was only 14 and could try again in 1996, but Bela told her her routines were too strong for them to cut her
  • MLR told her that her Trials performance was so strong, she predicted an individual medal in Barcelona. Nadia said the only difference between Kim and Kerri was a little power and a lot of experience, and that not even Shannon was as talented as Kerri
  • Injuries were a concern, because Bela never eased up and her whole body was sore. They had two practices a day even immediately after Trials, even when the electricity was out. Kerri's back hurt–not just the muscle, but bone, and both of her legs were sore. But she wrote, "It's always something, isn't it? Oh, well. Like they say: No pain, no Barcelona, Spain."
  • At the camp performance, some people took notes and others just watched. The worst part was not knowing how well they were doing. Everyone got through without any major breaks except for Dawes and Kim, who each had one minor slip up. A trainer came to her hotel room to let her know Kim Kelly was cut.

 

[QuietColours]

It's hard not read the chapter title as a dig at Carrol Stack having just read her unpublished book, but I don't think it was intended to be.

There's an interesting contrast in how Kerri and Claudia present Shannon's petitioning to Trials. Claudia presented it as Steve reading the rules, knowing the possible procedures, and taking advantage of a valid process to protect Shannon's health and give her the best chance. Kerri doesn't call it underhanded or cheating, but it's kind of implied--that Shannon was given special treatment and they changed the process to accommodate her.

If Shannon and Michelle hadn't been able to petition in, Hilary would have made the team. But of course, Betty wouldn't have been able to petition to the camp in that scenario either.

It would be really interesting to get Kim's honesty reflections from Barcelona, but I don't think she's ever gotten enough distance to be able to do that.