Chalked Up: Inside Elite Gymnastics' Merciless Coaching, Overzealous Parents, Eating Disorders, and Elusive Olympic Dreams

[KristyJ]

Back when 17 was considered old in the sport

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 19

• Gymnastics is a punishing contact sport. Jen always waited for her big crash, and then she knew she'd be safe for the day. Fate knew not to deal her more than that
• The ankle hurt; it throbbed at the break and shot pain through the shin; she started favoring the other leg, causing shin splints. Dr. Dixon gave her "horse pills" to relieve it; when she ran out of prescription pail killers she started taking 5 or 6 ibuprofen before practice, three in the middle.
• Weight became an obsessive struggle. She was 16 and not menstruating, her body fat percentage below 10%, weighing 98 lbs at over 5'0, and she saw herself as fat. The other Jen at the gym was 87 lbs. The weight she'd lost so easily when she started began to come back. Unless the scale was moving downward, she was failing.
• She didn't eat at all before practice, having an apple or banana after weigh-in. Calories were 500 on weekdays, less on Mondays. On Fridays and Saturdays she didn't count. Sundays she put on a non-breathable "space suit" sweat suit and aerobicized for hours and didn't eat at all.
• Several girls had moved into the apartment, including the other Jen and two girls named Kristy and Alyssa. Her mom was happy to have them–the camaraderie looked like normal teenage friendships. In fact, it was centered on weight loss tips and competitiveness. At the gym they were at different levels. Other Jen and Kristy had a top goal of making elite and qualifying for nationals. Alyssa was a closer competitor, but a few skills and medals behind. The real competition was on the scale, and Other Jen was the winner, never crossing 90 pounds
• One Sunday, when Other Jen was away visiting her family in New York, Jen was poking around in her things and found a stash of laxatives hidden in a manila envelope in her sock drawer
• More and more often, Jen, her mom, and her brother stayed in Allentown on the weekends and their father either stayed in New Jersey or came to visit.
• After a Saturday-evening snack session, Jen swiped two Ex-lax from Other Jen's supply. The taste was disgusting. It became a every Saturday thing, never buying her own. Never more than two at a time, never on a day proceeding a workout.
• Despite the rivalry, they were friends. Other Jen would never win in the gym, Jen would never win on the scale.
• Limited food intake and enhanced purging seemed to fuel her energy–she would translate the little headedness as energetic. Her fear of the coaches also pushed her false sense of energy
• Coaches would say things like "Jesus, Sey. If you hadn't put on that half pound, maybe you'd be able to stay on the beam." Or, for girls who gained more than a pound in a day, "I don't coach fat gymnasts!" Those gymnasts were threatened with removal from an upcoming competition or being banned from the gym
• The worst was directed at Lisa. She was barely ten, tiny, but she had a muscular frame and obese parents. During stretching, Mrs. Strauss announced on the microphone, "Hi, everyone! Look at Lisa there on the mat. She gained two pounds today. Lisa, at this rate you'll look like your mother in no time. Is that what you want?" Lisa's mother was watching the practice. Nothing happened. Lisa may have cried a bit out of embarrassment.
• There were also non-weight insults and rants. Mr. Strauss would throw things–a metal folding chair was the biggest thing she ever saw. The girl ducked in time. She went back to the chalk bucket for another turn, he slammed the door to his office. There were more mundane insults: Lazy; baby; You don't even try; You're wasting my time; You never give me anything
• Verbal abuse, day after day, forms a deep hurt. Jen was unraveling. But she persevered through US Championship. Hungry and taped nearly into a cast, she placed 7th AA and 3rd on floor. If 1985 had been an Olympic year, she would have qualified. She beat Angie, still training with Lolo. John was vindicated. Jen was happy but not surprised–she knew when she went to Parkettes, if she followed instructions, she would succeed.

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 20

• Family changes
  • Made the move to Allentown official, selling their dream house and buying a generic tract house with a pool and plenty of space for gymnasts to board. Her father would commute the two hours each way now
  • Gave up the house they'd loved, the garden her father had landscaped on his own. Her father was rarely home, between the hours he worked and his commute. If he was too tired to make the drive, he claimed he slept at the office. In reality, he was having an affair with his office manager. Everything in the marriage was about the kids (note: it seems particularly about Jen), and the marriage was simply neglected completely. There were no signs of normal adult existence in the Allentown house
  • Jen spent seven hours in the gym a day, five or six days a week. Summers had five hour morning practices and another three in the afternoon. Mom was the chauffeur. She washed clothes and cooked food no one ate. She adopted their eating habits, surviving on diet soda and losing 10 pounds. Jen can only imagine she found the same solace in calorie counting that the girls did. She claimed she couldn't bring herself to eat around them, but Jen thought it was a competition
  • Jen was moving toward depression, compulsive disordered eating, and self-loathing. She was surly, disappointed with her performance during practice, pained by injuries, and anxious about her weight. Her mother left her to her own devices
  • In the fall, started at a new high school with the other three girls. The local public wouldn't accommodate their training, so they went to Central Catholic High, home to the Irish and Italian Allentown families. They were dismissed at 12:30 and no one cared how much school they missed as long as they kept their grades up. Jen and Alyssa (also Jewish) were allowed to skip theology.
  • The 12 Parkettes attending were tormented by the other girls, most of whom wouldn't attend college, would marry upon graduating and have their first child in a year
  • Chris also started a new school, the local public high school, since his practices didn't begin until 5 o'clock. It was notoriously violent and full of racially divided gangs. He became part of the in crowd. Still scrawny, he was good looking and got the attention of the girls. Jen rarely spent any time with him. While she did aerobics on the weekends, she saw the parade of girlfriends coming through. Chris was cool, and she envied his social network and romantic life.
• Injury
  • Workouts intensified because Jen was qualified for World Trials. She was more tired, eating less, training more. Longer hours in the gym, less sleep at night.
  • Weight was a point of conflict. Coach Robin pressured Jen to lose three pounds by Trials by any means necessary. She suggested vasoline. Jen still isn't sure what she wanted her to do with it. Jen put herself on a fruit-and-laxative diet instead
  • She'd finally started buying her own
  • Three days of this, on a 95 degree day, she was on her fifth beam routine having to stick 10 in a row to move on to the next event. She missed the beam with her foot on a RO but through herself into the BHS anyway and came down on her head on the beam. Semiconscious on the mat, she touched her head and found blood.
  • Next thing she remembers, she was in Dr. Dixon's office with Mrs. Strauss instruction no stitches in her head, she had Trials in a week and couldn't go with a shaved head. She got her (broken) fingers taped and a band aid, and a warning she might have some bruising around her eyes as the head bled downward into her face
  • She woke up looking normal, but by the end of the morning kids were whispering and she realized she had two bad black eyes. A teacher took her aside to ask if she was being beaten at home, and she explained it was a gymnastics accident. The teacher was relieved. Her mother found this hysterical–the idea either of her parents would hurt her was ludicrous to both of them
  • She told her mom the bruises didn't hurt. They didn't, compared to the broken fingers, ankle, and shin splints.
• Trials
  • Eyes were still badly bruised, and the meet would be televised. A hairstylist, Cathy, came to the competition with them. For this meet, Cathy would have to do Jen's makeup as well, getting pancake stage makeup.
  • She didn't conceal the bruises for the pre-meet workout. Judges whispered. Some jokingly asked John if he did that to her.
  • First day of competition was compulsories. Jen was known for these. Her mom had to leave because of nerves before the meet even started; Jen didn't notice. She nailed every routine and finished just out of first, behind Kelly Garrison
  • She found her father in the stands and asked about her mom–he told her she had to leave because of diarrhea. It felt the same as when Jen had broken her ankle and her mother couldn't stop crying and Jen felt she needed to comfort her mother.
  • She called her mother and had to put her father on to get her to believe she was in second. Her mom thought she was trying to make her feel bad for missing the meet–she didn't think Jen could really make the team. But if she didn't, why couldn't she watch the meet with an attitude of, "What happens, happens?"
  • Second day was more pressure than she'd ever dealt with before. It took Cathy an hour to apply Jen's makeup. She was shaky from lack of food and sleep, but perfectly coiffed
  • She was on bars first, and had a new release, a Tkachev, new for female gymnasts at the time. When she missed it, she either landed on the bar or on her face. She hit it at the competition
  • Beam was next. She had two tumbling runs–BHS BHS LO and RO BHS and a double back dismount. She was confident, but that can be dangerous on beam. But she hit for a 9.7
  • She finished second (technically third, with two girls sharing the title). One year after going to Parkettes, after one broken ankle, two black eyes, one eating disorder, many boxes of laxatives, three broken fingers, and splintered shins later

 

[rlayt]

I wonder how much pain she has now?

 

[Big_rock_show]

Reading this book had me confused. Jen has been outspoken in more recent years about the horrors of the sport, and there certainly are situations in which she was treated poorly and was affected by the politics and bias within the sport. HOWEVER, she seems to be the driving force behind her own desire to win at any cost. I'm confused as to why she feels so negatively about her experience in the recent years.

 

[QuietColours]

I think it's a both thing. She recognizes that she was an active contributor in her own misery, and that the kind of person she was would probably have self destructed in whatever activity she chose.

But she was also subjected to and witnessed heaps of emotional and verbal abuse, threats of physical abuse, dangerously negligent coaching and disregard for athletes' well being, encouragement of eating disorders, and was under several coaches later identified (and some rumored at the time) to be sexual predators.

There were a lot of problems endemic to the sport, and she was someone who was going to self-destruct no matter what. Putting a win-at-all-costs person in a win-at-all-costs environment never ends well

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 21

• World Training Camp
  • Held at Parkettes in Oct 1985. All the girls and National Coach Don Peters came to Allentown for two weeks so they could train together. Jen didn't attend school–they trained all day. She was the second-ranked girl on the team, but there were other more experienced athletes
    • Kelly Garrison had been on the scene since 1980, blowing judges away with grace and innovation. She had several skills named after her
    • Pam Bileck had been a 1984 Olympic team member, but barely made the 1985 Worlds. She'd gained at least 20 pounds, but Peters was her personal coach
    • Sabrina Mar was also one of Peters' gymnasts, the up-and-comer who had won US Championships as her first meet as a senior
    • Marie Roethlisberger, another of Peters' gymnasts, was almost completely deaf. John's sister
    • Tracey Calore, a Parkette and former junior national champion
    • Yolande Mavity was the alternate, having placed 7th at Trials. She didn't have any clubmates but was consistent, always placing in the top 10 throughout the mid-80s. Her club had been good in the 70s and she was a 'bigger' girl
    • There were two additional alternates at the camp, both from SCATS. He could decided one of them was more suited to the squad then the girls who had officially qualified.
  • Despite her rank, Jen knew she wasn't one of Don's favorites because she lacked technique and he thought she was sloppy and unreliable
  • Within a few days, Jen, Yolande, and Pam were called into the Strausses' office and told that the US couldn't show up with a fat team, and they were fat. The US was hoping to place 4th. Jen that Pam must have weighed 115 lbs and Yolande 120. Jen was only 101 and didn't understand the comparison of her to the other girls. Clearly Yo and Jen were on the replacement list, but he couldn't call the meeting without the fattest girl there, so he had to include Pam
  • Don was aggressively trying to undermine Jen's confidence, and Mrs. Strauss was frustrated Jen was a pound or two over her ideal weight. Jen stopped eating entirely
  • Pam was told to lose 13 pounds, so she gobbled laxatives instead of curtailing her eating
  • Later she learned Don hadn't had a problem with her weight–Mrs. Strauss had asked him to include Jen in the conversation to humiliate her into dropping the two pounds. He went along with it because it would give him grounds to remove Jen from the team
• Worlds
  • Watching Oskana Omelianchik, Jen realized that none of the Americans had any business being here–the Russians (she never uses the term Soviets) were on a completely different level. Combing Omelianchik and Sushunova, they were unbeatable.
  • Podium training helped her on floor and vault, the extra spring helping her unhealed ankle, but the shaky equipment made bars and beam harder
  • Pam still had several pounds to lose. The girls were rooting for her, but also concerned her methods of losing would leave her unable to do good routines. She barely practiced in Montreal, knowing she'd only be eliminated if she couldn't make weight. And she did–102 pounds, 13 pounds lost in under two weeks
  • The Parkettes Jen and Tracey were placed first or second in the lineup for every event, with justifications of "You're so consistent, you'll get us off to a good start" and "It is your first major international competition". It was Sabrina's as well, but she was his athlete. John and Mrs. Strauss were there, but they weren't allowed on the competition floor or given any say
  • Jen's confidence was gone, between the weigh talk, the lineups, and watching the Eastern Europeans in practice. She knew a team medal was very unlikely
  • She set her goal as doing as well as she could with bad positioning and no coaching. Kelly noticed her nerves and gave her a little pep talk, helping her nerves
  • In compulsories, she missed a handstand on bars. Her score was dropped, and she now had nothing to lose–she couldn't let Don be right about her
  • On beam she got a 9.5, the third highest on the team
  • Floor was another 9.5 and vault was an acceptable 9.3
  • On day two, Don told her to get them off on the right foot today
  • Beam was a 9.3, the third highest on the team. Kelly fell on beam. Jen wasn't happy, but felt vindicated to not be the worst performer. Don prompted the thought, not Kelly
  • She got a respectable 9.675 on vault and 9.5 on floor, middle of the pack
• Injury
  • She felt confident going into bars. She notes that Yolande would pull the spring board after she mounted then hop off the podium, adhering to strict competition rules
  • She swung into her release on bars and something went wrong–she released late and the timing on these bars was different than she was used to, and she didn't flip. She dropped, her back grazing the bar, reaching through her legs to try to grab the bar. She tapped it, but couldn't grab, then barely avoided going headfirst into the low bar. All her weight went onto her right leg and her body twisted around her knee. The pain was incredible and Yolande screamed for help
  • John was the first to reach her–probably in seconds, but it felt like days. Then the trainer. The trainer thought she'd dislocated her knee and tried to pop it in, making her scream.
  • Eventually she was removed from the podium to an ambulance with her father. The pain was horrible, the disappointment worse. She didn't know what she would do if she couldn't do gymnastics anymore. Her father told her she was smart and beautiful and could do anything–she'd go home, go to college.
  • She cried and yelled, and her dad held her hand and told her she could be anything she wanted to be.
  • They went to Queen Elizabeth Hospital because it was English-speaking, but it was a 45 minute drive. She was exhausted when the arrived, sedated, and wheeled into surgery
  • At four in the morning she woke up in a full leg cast and was told it wasn't a knee injury (which would have been death to a gymnast). She'd broken her femur, nearly in two. The doctors had set it, and no pins or screws were necessary. It was a supracondylar break right above the knee, which would probably eventually result in knee arthritis later in life
  • Her coaches were thrilled–it wasn't her knee, just a break. Jen was relieved. Her parents were worried and confused and allowed themselves to be consoled
  • Her coaches told her the US team had placed 6th, beating China and Hungary. Russia was first, then Romania, East Germany, Bulgaria, and Czechoslovakia. 6th wasn't what they had hoped for, but it was good and had earned them a team medal (?)
  • The doctors were dumbfounded by both Jen's reaction of being happy with a femur break and by the injury itself, which they'd never seen brought on by anything with less force than a car accident
  • It was likely she'd do gymnastics again

 

[KristyJ]

Thank you for being nicer to the "fat" or "big" athletes than Jen was. Good heavens, if I'd read this when I was competing, it sure would've worsened my eating disorder.... She is so mean in her words about weight and work ethic. I still can't tell if she's simply trying to repeat what others said or believes it herself but she sure states it as fact.

 

[JDB]

Chapter 21 was weird. Jen Sey essentially wrote, "Unlike that other fatass, berating me for my weight was unfair." She was too honest about her teenage thoughts there.

 

[crdubb17]

Thank you for being nicer to the "fat" or "big" athletes than Jen was. Good heavens, if I'd read this when I was competing, it sure would've worsened my eating disorder.... She is so mean in her words about weight and work ethic. I still can't tell if she's simply trying to repeat what others said or believes it herself but she sure states it as fact.

Right? It was honestly disgusting. I remember the way she compared Angie Denkins’ body to a horse in the book. A fucking horse! Angie was also apparently lazy as could be, yet she’s able to keep her legs straight in her acro and show grace in her movement (something Jen couldn’t do). Ridiculous.

 

[Puffin]

Thank you for being nicer to the "fat" or "big" athletes than Jen was. Good heavens, if I'd read this when I was competing, it sure would've worsened my eating disorder.... She is so mean in her words about weight and work ethic. I still can't tell if she's simply trying to repeat what others said or believes it herself but she sure states it as fact.

Honestly she sounds like the evil Monica Phelps

 

[phoenix7]

Right? It was honestly disgusting. I remember the way she compared Angie Denkins’ body to a horse in the book. A fucking horse! Angie was also apparently lazy as could be, yet she’s able to keep her legs straight in her acro and show grace in her movement (something Jen couldn’t do). Ridiculous.

I hadn't heard of that athlete. I really enjoyed that routine.

 

[rlayt]

I’d much rather watch Angie Denkins.

 

[QuietColours]

That was a very poised, graceful, mature routine

 

[QuietColours]

It looks like Angie was 6th at the 1986 Championships, along with winning the beam title and being third on vault. She should have been in heavy contention for the Worlds team. Did she just have a terrible Trials, or was she injured?

 

[KristyJ]

It looks like Angie was 6th at the 1986 Championships, along with winning the beam title and being third on vault. She should have been in heavy contention for the Worlds team. Did she just have a terrible Trials, or was she injured?

There was no world championships in 1986, only the Goodwill Games and world cup. It looks like Angie was on the Goodwill Games team, a detail that Jennifer leaves out. Angie finished 7th in the vault finals.

 

[makam]

Honestly she sounds like the evil Monica Phelps

Not to totally defend her, but some of the weight obsession + meanness seems to have been learned from her family. Her mother definitely seems to have a lot of internalized issues. And I have some aunts who are social climbing and are very appearance focused. They told my four year old niece, as she ate a piece of cake at her sister's birthday, "over the lips, forever on the hips." A 4 year old. So that shit can run deep.

That parkettes documentary was a tragic car wreck. They were perfectly comfortable with that being on tv. And you know some people saw that shit and signed their kids right up for the verbal abuse and haranging thinking that would make them a champion. The network should go back and re-interview. It would be interesting to see if perspectives have changed or if they are still happy with their experiences.

 

[RAFIKI]

The network should go back and re-interview. It would be interesting to see if perspectives have changed or if they are still happy with their experiences.

That’s a great idea. I’d be fascinated to know what Ashley (the young gymnast doing TOPS testing on a broken ankle) and her parents think about it now.

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 22

• Recovery
  • Stayed to watch her teammates compete in finals. Sabrina was 14th AA and 6th on vault, successes. The men weren't as lucky–9th as a team, 22nd AA (Tim Daggett). Everyone signed her cast, even Bart Connor
  • Dad drove her directly from the airport to Dr. Dixon's office in Allentown. Her parents had driven to the airport separately and had to drive back separately
  • Her mom fell asleep at the wheel, with her brother in the passenger seat. She went into a guardrail; fortunately, neither were injured
  • Mrs. Strauss escorted Jen and Dr. Sey to Dr. Dixon's. Dr. Dixon determined that a cast that hinged at the knee would let her heal faster and with less atrophy. He removed the plaster cast and replaced it with a hinging one, which was heavier because the metal join but allowed her to move the knee. At first this was very slight, but they could increase the allowed range of motion as she healed
  • She did strength, conditioning, and flexibility in the gym. The cast didn't have enough range of motion for her to use the exercise bike, and it was too painful. She took pain pills to sleep, but they gave her nightmares and panic attacks, so she stopped
  • She refused to go to school, staying home and watching tv while doing the homework the other girls brought back in the mornings. She missed almost three months of school that year. It was easy to keep her grades up, so neither her mother or the nuns pushed her to go back to class. She couldn't bear to go back to the school where she was already an outcast
  • Finally went back after the holiday break, struggling with crutches and her back pack and refusing help in the halls
  • Mother cried constantly–seeing Jen laid up in bed with the big cast was too much for her. Jen pretended to be tough outside, but unleashed her anger at the situation at home. Hated feeling unsure about her position right after she'd started her international career. Snipped at her mother about everything instead of addressing the major issues. She hated her mother's crying and hated her dependence on her mother–she couldn't even go to the bathroom without help. This ruled out heavy laxative use, so she was also panicked about weight gain
• Challenger Explosion
  • Weighed herself several times a day, subtracting three pounds for the cast. One day after weighing herself she heard screams coming from the office. The moms had gathered to watch the Challenger launch.
  • Watched in horror as the news programs played the footage over and over again
  • The role of the space program in the Cold War didn't mean much to a bunch of teenagers, but watching Christa McAulliffe die did
  • It was the only time they ever had a break from practice
  • Her struggle now felt very petty, but it wasn't enough of a perspective shift to make getting back to gymnastics feel less important
  • Dr. Dixon recommended switching to a lighter cast without a hinge. She'd be able to begin light bar practice–never mind what would happen if she fell
• Come back
  • Cast came off completely after 3.5 months. Dr. Dixon and her coaches agreed 14 weeks was enough. They were still two months shy of the recommended healing period. Jen was almost 17 and determined not to miss the competitive season. Her mom wanted her back in the gym full time, hoping her attitude would improve and needing a break from the full time care taking
  • Leg was atrophied to the bone, even with all the PT. Knee was the biggest part of the leg. The thigh was still bruised. The sores where she'd used a hanger to scratch were ugly
  • The obvious benefit of the atrophy was that she didn't gain weight. As she began practicing, she tried to prevent weigh gain as the leg gain muscled back (her weight had held steady, meaning she knew she'd gained weight elsewhere)
  • In no time, she was running down the vault runway. She did favor the left leg. She began tumbling. Flying through the air again made her feel ecstatic. She was happier in the gym than she'd been since she was just starting at Lolo's.
  • The coaches were encouraging, knowing the injury had tested her almost to the limit. They ignored the weight gain. John was determined to usher her back. Her recovery was miraculous, thanks in no small part to his constant attention as he ignored the other girls unless they were one of the Strausses' favorites
  • In a few months, she and John agreed she was ready to enter national competition. There were a few compulsory moves she couldn't do yet, dance moves that required squatting more than her knee would bend. She worked on faking it, moving around those moves without skipping them entirely and hoping the judges, knowing what had happened, would overlook it–she'd earned 'benefit of the doubt' status.
• Competition
  • Training switched gears after she was entered in a national qualifier, moving from practicing skills to practicing routines and regaining endurance and consistency.
  • The comeback wasn't as horrible as she'd expected–she'd stayed fit, her upper body was stronger than ever, and her fear had nearly evaporated
  • She'd do all the skills from Worlds, even the Tkachev. That was the hardest–not because of fear, but because she'd lost the sense of the skill. She couldn't visualize it anymore–she could only visualize herself missing it again. Throwing it would be blind, with no body awareness. The very first time she tried it again, she caught it. She cried, John cried, everyone in the gym cried, her mom cried when Jen told her (she couldn't bear to watch).
  • Nationals were low-key. There were two a year, both qualifiers to Championships. The first one was cutthroat, full of girls vying for spots. The second one was less attended, with the girls who'd already qualified staying home to train for the bigger competition.
  • People were surprised when she showed up–the assumption was she was done for good
  • Compulsories were stronger than ever. Since they were less demanding on the body, she'd been able to practice them more, and she placed in the top three
  • In optionals, she limped perceptibly and landed solidly, but the favoring of the left leg got to her and she crunched the ankle. She calmly told John it hurt as it swelled tremendously
  • She decided not to finish the meet
  • X-rays showed nothing, but the foot remained swollen and bruised, hot to touch, and painful. Dr. Dixon told her it didn't look right, but he couldn't find anything wrong. Jen kept training–there was no reason not to with no diagnosis. She got regular cortisone shots and John taped it like a cast
  • The femur break would prove to be nothing compared to the undetermined ankle injury

 

[Hatsumomo]

Was she injury-prone or was she severely malnourished making her extremely susceptible to all these injuries?