I figured I’d put it here for in a nice-sized font. Here’s what it says: "Since May is #mentalhealthawareness month, I have decided to share a part of myself I have never shared with anyone. After long nights of debating whether or not I should share this, I felt my voice deserves to be heard. I am done shielding against this. Before I share, I want everyone reading to know everyone’s voice is validated and matters! Speaking on my own experience this is how it affected me, but I wholeheartedly believe everyone lives their own journey in life and each person deserves to have their voice be heard by the world. With saying that it’s been around 2 years, I have hid behind a shield of who I actually am and many including family do not know the whole story, and I have been trying to find the right way to tell everyone. This is not an easy subject for me to share, but I have to be honest and straightforward about my experiences, and why I made the decisions I did at the time. As many of you know I was a gymnast for 15 years and about 2 years ago I decided to close that chapter in my life. Most only know up to that point. However, many do not know all the details that led up to that. I attended Utah State University my freshman year of college and this experience was an absolute roller coaster of events. The summer I got to Utah, I got a concussion and was out for a few months. During this time I was mentally struggling from depression, anxiety and an eating disorder. I was struggling to admit this was happening and to truly accept that this is what I am living with was even harder to accept. I felt alone, scared, broken and useless. This was an undiscussed topic but was normal for a Gymnast to want to look a certain way. It was a part of the sport. I thought everyone goes through this so I was not any different. Gymnastics was my escape from reality, when days were heard I knew I had to go afterward and allow myself to work all pain, fear, and hurt away. It was something I had that no one could take from me, who I was and the way I did my Gymnastics was all from my heart and passion for the sport. Being in the sport of Gymnastics was where I could prove to myself through the long hard hours of work that I was worthy of living, breathing. Being a perfectionist as I am, I will go to no end to do anything to please others and for others to accept me for not only how I looked, but wishing people would love me for who I am on the inside. I counted calories, restricted myself and continuously told people I was fine when in reality when I said that it meant I am struggling and I needed help, but was too scared to speak up. I knew in the back of my mind I was never going to get where I wanted because there is no such thing as perfect, but diet culture surrounding me was telling me otherwise. I never knew how serious of an issue this was until I got to college. I was hesitant when confronted about my struggles with my eating, and it hurt to be so vulnerable, I felt helpless and unprotected. The pressure seemed unbearable to handle by myself so I fell into what made me feeI had control of, food. I controlled what I ate, and when I felt I didn’t deserve to eat or had a hard day I ate as much as I could and got rid of it, yes, I am bulimic. I still have days I feel ashamed to even think it much less say I am, but I have to allow myself to heal through acceptance of this. My life felt so dark, I was doing my best to survive, open my eyes, and live everyday with a smile hiding from my demons. What I thought was control was actually my inability to control my mind and I was far away from control. While being away from home I found myself feeling too scared to make a move. I knew I was shutting down internally and I didn’t know how to express how I felt or how bad things got. I didn’t want anyone to treat me any differently. I was the same person, no one different. Many people see someone with an eating disorder and immediately think ‘They do this for the attention’ or ‘They don’t look like they do’, crazy to know the hurt and pain a smile can hold, and what others don’t see when that person is alone with their own thoughts. I was lucky to have a number of girls on the Utah State gymnastics team who stood by my side as much as they could to defend me, but were conflicted with having their spot on their team at stake. The day I finally got courage to open up to my coach I thought things could only go up from here and she would help me in my recovery. However, things were just the opposite and little did I know what I had coming. After these 2 years of being away from that atmosphere I can still say because of this coach I am not able to walk into a gym without having a feeling of a panic attack coming on. A few months back I woke up in the middle of the night and all I remember is grabbing my phone and typing in my notes. The next day I didn’t realize I wrote as much as I did, but I wanted to shine light on the emotional and mental abuse this coach did to me. I want to put this out beforehand that this is not for sympathy or attention. All I want is for others to be able to understand how important mental health is and for people who are the abusers to understand the hurt and irreversible damage they can do to others. I will not name this coach for she does not need to be named for people to know who I am talking about. This is a letter to you.
It’s crazy to think all it takes is one person to ruin your life and turn you into someone you don’t even know when you look into a mirror. People may be cruel, but you have done will never change and there is no taking it back, what’s done is done. I have never been more hurt by anyone in my life. All I can say now is what goes around comes around. To this day there have not been actions taken to ensure you don’t do this to anyone else. You’re delusional if you think that was the end and I can only wait for what’s coming. For now I can clearly see you have been running gymnast after gymnast away, and each telling fairly different but similar situations of manipulation and misuse of power by you. You knew my weaknesses and individually pinpointed them to your advantage by using your title that essentially meant nothing. You deliberately brought other student athletes into my personal situation that had nothing to do with them, and without asking me for permission. For one that goes against confidentially, but you knew that and still continued to do it. It was unprofessional and childish to say the least. Of course though you turned everything on me as if I wanted this for myself. I moved over a 1,000 miles away from home, but I ‘didn’t want to work and just wanted to go to school for free’. Oh and let me include how I was sent home for not finishing assignments, but was expected to continue getting my skills back mind you I was still weak trying to build muscle? How was that supposed to make me a better gymnast when you never gave me a chance. Then when you asked why I had the ‘audacity’ to walk back into the gym after I didn’t compete at the first home meet. You then stated I had twice as long as everyone on the team to get ready for the season. Hmm. between my concussion that had me out the entire summer to my ED recovery from September on and being taken out of the gym for at least 2 weeks because I was mentally unstable. Because that was giving me a fair chance constantly hanging my scholarship over my head and threatening to take it when I knew all along you were going to take it whether or not I competed. Then to state that my Gymnastics was too dangerous for one of your coaches, and that the entire staff had been dragging me along and calling me the weakest link, but offering to reach out to schools on a ‘lower level’ because I was in over my head at USU. To feel I was constantly being worked against I felt I was never enough, hurt more than being mentally and emotionally abused, and all I was for you to tell me I was going to be ok, and that you were going to be there for me. I was oblivious to my intuitive thoughts giving me other outcomes which ended up coming true. I loved this team, I loved feeling a part of a family. I was all for supporting my teammates, but when I wanted to show you my commitment of being the best asset to the team as much as I could be, you then stated I could ‘sit from the stands and watch my team compete since I was not competing’, but am I on the team? I am here, I am just as part of the team as every other girl. But of course that didn’t mean anything because I wasn’t producing the routines you wanted. There were so many opportunities for me to walk away, but no I was gonna take it no matter how brutal it got because I loved it and I wanted it. I felt the unwelcoming feeling you showed, and it instantly changed the way I looked at you. It sickens me to say I let you get inside my head thinking if I pushed everyone I loved away from me (family, friends, club coaches) that everything would go away, but all along you were the master manipulator successfully driving me further and further away from people who loved me for who I was. I trusted you. I opened up to you when I thought I could let my guard down, and be open and honest. What I should have been doing was not listening to your nonsense meetings that I would come out crying from every time thinking what is wrong with me. I need to change to please her. All I wanted was to make you happy and for you to be pleased with me and to accept me for who I was, for me, and not just the gymnastics I produced. Because of you I can successfully say my freshman year of college was not only a life lesson, but an eye opener that people in this world will hurt, take, and do anything in their power to degrade you at whatever cost. I loved the sport of Gymnastics and what it had shown me throughout the years. Not only has it changed me for the better it gave me everything my purpose and my identity in this world, and you just ripped that away without even caring. You only cared that you finally got what you wanted. I hope you are satisfied and pleased with knowing that. Now it is time for me to finally close this chapter in my life once and for all and say that I am more than just a gymnast. I have so many more characteristics than you will ever know, and I believe God put you in my life so I could prove to myself the strength I have within, and that not everyone has your best interest. You know who you are, and you should think long and hard about what you said to me and how you spoke your words to my face in front of others to humiliate me when in the big picture all you did was make a fool out of yourself. Know that the sport will never be the same because of you. I will never look at the sport with the same love and passion I did because of the hostile atmosphere I knew I was walking into daily. I had no support and reassurance from you. I felt the anger and lack of love a coach should show to their own gymnast. Still, I don’t think you had any idea the impression you have had on me, I’m far from where I want to be, my healing process is slow and has taken many turns, but hopefully now I can let this piece of me go and begin another journey life has for me.
Closing this out, I want each gymnast to cherish and embrace not only the talent and skill they can do through the sport of Gymnastics but who they are as a person. Never lose sight of who you are, we are all one of a kind, there is no one in the world like YOU. I want all young gymnasts to remember to never let anyone take your passion from you. That is something that I let get away from me. I regret not holding on long enough. If it is your passion don’t let anyone tell you, you are anything less than what you believe you are. You can pursue anything you want in life. I believe this is just the beginning for me on my real journey to heal, and saying that I want to give a special thank you to everyone who Caitlin) for accepting me for who I am, flaws and all, yall have given me another reason to live, I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for these people who knew how to make me smile everyday when I’m down, showing me what a life full of love, support and friendship is about. Thank y’all from the bottom of my heart.
"
It’s crazy to think all it takes is one person to ruin your life and turn you into someone you don’t even know when you look into a mirror. People may be cruel, but you have done will never change and there is no taking it back, what’s done is done. I have never been more hurt by anyone in my life. All I can say now is what goes around comes around. To this day there have not been actions taken to ensure you don’t do this to anyone else. You’re delusional if you think that was the end and I can only wait for what’s coming. For now I can clearly see you have been running gymnast after gymnast away, and each telling fairly different but similar situations of manipulation and misuse of power by you. You knew my weaknesses and individually pinpointed them to your advantage by using your title that essentially meant nothing. You deliberately brought other student athletes into my personal situation that had nothing to do with them, and without asking me for permission. For one that goes against confidentially, but you knew that and still continued to do it. It was unprofessional and childish to say the least. Of course though you turned everything on me as if I wanted this for myself. I moved over a 1,000 miles away from home, but I ‘didn’t want to work and just wanted to go to school for free’. Oh and let me include how I was sent home for not finishing assignments, but was expected to continue getting my skills back mind you I was still weak trying to build muscle? How was that supposed to make me a better gymnast when you never gave me a chance. Then when you asked why I had the ‘audacity’ to walk back into the gym after I didn’t compete at the first home meet. You then stated I had twice as long as everyone on the team to get ready for the season. Hmm. between my concussion that had me out the entire summer to my ED recovery from September on and being taken out of the gym for at least 2 weeks because I was mentally unstable. Because that was giving me a fair chance constantly hanging my scholarship over my head and threatening to take it when I knew all along you were going to take it whether or not I competed. Then to state that my Gymnastics was too dangerous for one of your coaches, and that the entire staff had been dragging me along and calling me the weakest link, but offering to reach out to schools on a ‘lower level’ because I was in over my head at USU. To feel I was constantly being worked against I felt I was never enough, hurt more than being mentally and emotionally abused, and all I was for you to tell me I was going to be ok, and that you were going to be there for me. I was oblivious to my intuitive thoughts giving me other outcomes which ended up coming true. I loved this team, I loved feeling a part of a family. I was all for supporting my teammates, but when I wanted to show you my commitment of being the best asset to the team as much as I could be, you then stated I could ‘sit from the stands and watch my team compete since I was not competing’, but am I on the team? I am here, I am just as part of the team as every other girl. But of course that didn’t mean anything because I wasn’t producing the routines you wanted. There were so many opportunities for me to walk away, but no I was gonna take it no matter how brutal it got because I loved it and I wanted it. I felt the unwelcoming feeling you showed, and it instantly changed the way I looked at you. It sickens me to say I let you get inside my head thinking if I pushed everyone I loved away from me (family, friends, club coaches) that everything would go away, but all along you were the master manipulator successfully driving me further and further away from people who loved me for who I was. I trusted you. I opened up to you when I thought I could let my guard down, and be open and honest. What I should have been doing was not listening to your nonsense meetings that I would come out crying from every time thinking what is wrong with me. I need to change to please her. All I wanted was to make you happy and for you to be pleased with me and to accept me for who I was, for me, and not just the gymnastics I produced. Because of you I can successfully say my freshman year of college was not only a life lesson, but an eye opener that people in this world will hurt, take, and do anything in their power to degrade you at whatever cost. I loved the sport of Gymnastics and what it had shown me throughout the years. Not only has it changed me for the better it gave me everything my purpose and my identity in this world, and you just ripped that away without even caring. You only cared that you finally got what you wanted. I hope you are satisfied and pleased with knowing that. Now it is time for me to finally close this chapter in my life once and for all and say that I am more than just a gymnast. I have so many more characteristics than you will ever know, and I believe God put you in my life so I could prove to myself the strength I have within, and that not everyone has your best interest. You know who you are, and you should think long and hard about what you said to me and how you spoke your words to my face in front of others to humiliate me when in the big picture all you did was make a fool out of yourself. Know that the sport will never be the same because of you. I will never look at the sport with the same love and passion I did because of the hostile atmosphere I knew I was walking into daily. I had no support and reassurance from you. I felt the anger and lack of love a coach should show to their own gymnast. Still, I don’t think you had any idea the impression you have had on me, I’m far from where I want to be, my healing process is slow and has taken many turns, but hopefully now I can let this piece of me go and begin another journey life has for me.
Closing this out, I want each gymnast to cherish and embrace not only the talent and skill they can do through the sport of Gymnastics but who they are as a person. Never lose sight of who you are, we are all one of a kind, there is no one in the world like YOU. I want all young gymnasts to remember to never let anyone take your passion from you. That is something that I let get away from me. I regret not holding on long enough. If it is your passion don’t let anyone tell you, you are anything less than what you believe you are. You can pursue anything you want in life. I believe this is just the beginning for me on my real journey to heal, and saying that I want to give a special thank you to everyone who Caitlin) for accepting me for who I am, flaws and all, yall have given me another reason to live, I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for these people who knew how to make me smile everyday when I’m down, showing me what a life full of love, support and friendship is about. Thank y’all from the bottom of my heart.
"
