Off Balance: A Memoir

[QuietColours]

Off Balance: A Memoir
By Dominique Moceanu with Paul & Teri Williams
Copyright 2012

Chapter 1: Sisters

• Discovering Jennifer
  • Having traveled the world, won an Olympic medal, and won a court battle with her parents before she was 17 made her hard to surprise, but discovering Jennifer was a surprise
  • Found out Dec 10, 2007, while 9 months pregnant and about to take her college semester finals–had promised herself she was going to get a college degree
  • Earlier in the week had missed the delivery of a piece of certified mail
  • From day one as a gymnast, she'd been taught to be prepared at all costs, but that day she was unguarded
  • Picked up the letter hoping she wasn't being sued. Instead there was a letter: I've known my whole life I was adopted…and that my biological last name was Moceanu
  • Jennifer was given up by her parents for adoption in 1987. She hadn't gotten the details of her birth and the names of her biological family until she was 16, and then she waited four years to contact Dominique directly
  • "I feel that I have one chance to show you and prove to you that I'm not some crazy person…I'm sure after seeing all of the papers you'll see that I'm serious"
  • Thought back to being six, trying to imagine if her mother had been pregnant, if she hadn't noticed.
  • The girl in the pictures looked exactly like Dominique's sister Christina.
  • Had been an only child until she was 8. Her parents, Romanian immigrants, had struggled to provide her with a better life. They spent every penny on her training, her dad ("Tata") often working multiple jobs. Was a serious gymnast by 7, was regarded as one of America's hopefuls by 9. Receiving her Olympic gold was confirmation her parents' sacrifices weren't in vein
• Call her mom
  • "Did you give a baby up for adoption in 1987?" Silence.
  • Had longed for sibling as a young child–Christina coming home was one of the happiest days of her life
  • "Yes, it's true." Had always been close to her mother and thought she knew everything about her–this created an immediate and sudden distance between them
  • Didn't understand why they would give away one baby and keep Christina
  • Might have expected something like this from her salesman father, but never her mother
  • Both of them were crying
  • Mother wanted to tell and almost did many times, but she couldn't find the words
  • Felt betrayed, angry, sad, deceived, vulnerable
  • Was able to keep communicating with her mother; couldn't bring herself to speak to her father for weeks, knowing he was probably responsible. He'd played a key role in almost all the painful moments in her life
  • Father was an old-school Romanian. Ruled the house with an iron fist. Decisions were made by him, obeyed, and not questioned
  • Clashed with him frequently as a teen, but had never been really angry with her mother like this before
  • Home life had been turbulent at best because of Tata's rage and tantrums, often finding themselves hiding in separate rooms. They were always walking on eggshells. Never understood his rage as a child
  • Things had started to soften at the time she received Jennifer's package. He had had a rare form of eye cancer that shifted the dynamics of the relationship. But all the frustration and alienation returned when she learned this secret
• Her Parents' Stories
  • Father
    • They were very poor and struggled to put food on the table
    • Jennifer was born with no legs, and the doctors said they wouldn't be able to afford the medical bills—they had no money and no insurance
    • That was it–no more details than that
  • Mother
    • She got one ultrasound in the pregnancy. They had no insurance and she had not even seen a doctor prior to that
    • Saw how the technician looked at the ultrasound and knew something was very wrong, but they wouldn't say a word and she left the clinic scared. No one told her the problem
    • Months later, when she went to the hospital to deliver she had a c-section. She was given full anesthesia and woke up with a fog but no baby
    • Father said the little girl had been born with no legs. Mother never got to see her, hold her, touch her, smell her. She wanted to, but Dmitri said they had to give her up and that was that
    • They never looked back because it was too painful
    • He never asked how she felt. It was a horrible time in her life. She cried in the empty streets, and no one noticed.
  • In her family's universe, the story made sense. Her father controlled her mother; she had no friends or family and spoke limited English. She depended on him completely, which was how he liked it
  • Dominique knew she had to contact Jennifer

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 2: Camelia

• Romanian History
  • North of the Balkan Peninsula in Central Europa
  • Fell under communist rule in 1947 after King Michael was driven into exile. Her parents grew up under the dictatorship of Nicolae Ceauşescu who rose to power in the 1960s and ruled until the Romanian Revolution of 1989
  • Romania's economy fell apart under Ceauşescu's reign, leaving most citizens starved for food, work, and hope while Ceauşescu himself lived lavishly
  • The secret police (the Securitate) regulated every aspect of daily life, from who could have children to who could have a typewriter. Human rights violations were legendary
• Engagement party
  • November 1980 her parents had an engagement party. Her father's family presented a dowry of a few wool dresses, a gold cross, and a handfull of other gifts in exchange for her mother's hand in marriage
  • At 19, Camelia married Dimitry, a man she'd never met and only seen in a photograph. She had no say in any part of the wedding. She wasn't completely opposed–options for a young woman in Romania were pretty bleak–but she felt like a pawn
  • Her father's family made a 350-mile journey from Bucharest to her mother's home in Dudestii Noi for the engagement ceremony. Her father was not there. He had been in America looking for work,but he was denied a visa to leave the country for the celebration .
  • So he could see what his bride looked like, the Moceanus announced that they would bring a professional photographer to the celebration to take formal pictures of her mother. Because it was a wedding, her mother was able to splurge on a salon and got her hair styled.
  • The photographer never showed up, and no explanation was ever provided. Her mother felt alone
  • "Beautiful, smiling Camelia" did not dare voice or hint at her disappointment. She was the product of a Romanian upbringing. The youngest of her siblings, she was born October 19, 1961 in Timişoara. Romanian women were expected to know their place in society. A woman's role was exclusively in the home as a wife and mother; subservience, obedience, and unquestioning loyalty to the husband were musts. She was taught most importantly to never bring shame to the family or the man who was the head of the household. Period.
• Mother's Family
  • Her father (Dominique's Papu) was Spiru Staicu. Born on the border between Albania and Greece, he was an old-world disciplinarian who expected obedience and made all household decisions, big or small
  • He lacked higher education but was an avid reader and liked books about history, geography, and the Bible. He seemed to make a conscious decision not to get close to the children–she cannot remember him ever showing warmth or affection, but can remember his explosive temper
  • He met her grandmother (Maia), Domenica, later him life and they immediately started a family. She had brothers Nelu ad Mircha and a sister Katarina. Before her mother was born, Nelu climbed on a tractor in the fields and began to play around. He didn't notice Mircha behind him struggling to climb up on the huge machine–he fell and his head hit a rock, dying instantly at 5 years old. Maia was so overcome by his death she convinced Papu to have one more child, Dominique's mother.
  • They lived on a small farm in Dudestii Noi, just outside Timişoara. They tended sheep to make milk, feta, and wool to sell at local markets. It supported the family during the early 60s before Ceauşescu came to power
  • The plains and hills and small village were a wonderful playground for small child, and the kids would play Hide and Seek and One and a Life, which is similar to dodge ball.
• Gymnastics
  • Romania is well known for its passion for competitive sports, especially soccer and gymnastics. Nadia 1976 story, complete with the board showing her score as a 1.0
  • Nadia's performance helped catapult gymnastics' popularity on an international scale, and she became a household name across the globe–she's still one of the most famous gymnasts in the history of the sport
  • Mother was a natural athlete and loved all sports, but track was her favorite. She was accepted in to the competitive High School of Sport, one of a very few. But her father decreed she wouldn't go, because it was improper. He refused to pay for further education or athletic career of a daughter–her role was in the home
  • Papu decided that once she finished 8th grade she would move to Bucharest to live with her brother Nelu and his wife Nina and complete high school there. She would not be permitted to attend university–after high school she would be paired with a man and married
  • Paternal grandfather, Stere Moceanu, arranged for his oldest son Dimitry to marry her mother, who was radiantly beautiful with silky black hair, dark eyes, smooth olive skin, and a slender hourglass figure. Dominique remembers her mother being literally head turning when she was a child.
  • Mother was not vain and did not consider herself above ordinary. And like any "good Romanian woman" she had an unwavering work ethic
• Wedding and early married life
  • Finally met in December 1980, a few weeks prior to the wedding. She had at this point seen a murky photo of him
  • Married January 28, 1981 wearing a long-sleeved crimson dress in Sérres, Greece, with no parents or family members present. She appeared calm and confident
  • According to her mother, it happened very quickly. After a brief stay in Greece they boarded a plane for the US
  • After watching her parents' marriage, Dominique told her mother at a young age that she would pick her own husband, even if Tata insisted
  • Now understands the adjustments involved in being newly married as two people used to doing things in different ways have to come together, and how small things have the potential to become issues, but it's tempered by the fact you're doing it with someone you love. She can't imagine how scared her mother must have been
  • Tata always believed his dreams would come true in America–living and thriving in Romania was becoming increasingly harder
  • She specifically remembers the joy of the day Ceauşescu's regime collapsed on December 22, 1989 (he was executed by firing squad three days later). A new era of economic and political reforms was ushered in, and Romania made a positive transformation and experienced growth as a democratic nation. Despite this, Tata never spoke about wanting to return
  • Their flight landed in New York and they took a bus to Hollywood, where they could stay with her father's brother Costa. Tata was one of four–older sister Maria, older bother Iani, older brother Costa, and then Tata. They were all born in Romania, mostly in Constanța and spent their childhoods in Bucharest
  • Shortly after arriving in California her mother's belief she was pregnant (suspected before they even left Greece) was confirmed. They had no money, no home, and didn't speak the language. Tata took off jobs, anything he could get to make money. He found steady work in a cafeteria of an English-language school. They bought nothing by absolute essentials and in a good month is was just enough
  • They stayed with Costa and his wife at first, but it was very tight quarters, and after a few months they moved out and were mostly transient, staying with various friends or sleeping in their Volkswagen Beetle until they found a new place
  • Her mother wanted to return to Romania, but she knew her husband didn't consider it an option. She cried every day, careful to hide it from Tata, and turned to prayer for comfort
  • Her mother relied exclusively on her father's advice and approval for everything-she was an inexperienced and sheltered teenager who had grown up on a farm. She read to learn about her new culture and learn the language, relying heavily on a Romanian-English dictionary. She also watched children's shows to help
  • Prayer was the only form of health care she received through her pregnancy, never visiting a doctor before the birth. They had no health insurance and didn't really understand the risks, complications, or really how pregnancy and childbirth worked
  • Their struggles brought them closer together as a couple, and her mother began to feel an attachment to Tata. She relied on him for everything. He didn't know much either, but he had more street smarts and basic survival skills
  • They saved enough to get a studio apartment just before Dominique was born, on Whitney Street just off Hollywood Boulevard.
  • There were no pregnancy complications and Dominique was born without birthing drugs. The only drama was when her mother was in labor–they had to try three hospitals before finding one that would accept an uninsured pregnant woman in active labor
  • Her father stayed in the waiting area and her mother only half understood the language, making do with broken English and gestures
  • Dominique was born Sept 30, 1981 at 1:27 pm weighing 7 lbs 6 oz. It was a quick, easy delivery.
  • As parent, Dominique better understands her parents' overpowering urge to give her everything the world had and then some. Both her parents determined in their own way to make her life count, and how their upbringing under Ceauşescu's regime and her mother's crushed dreams made them determined to give her everything they couldn't have
  • The line between what is best for a child and what the parent thinks is best for the child is often blurred

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 3: Awakening

• Childhood differences
  • Took a long time to come to terms with the fact she had a very unusual childhood
  • Growing up, her language, customs, food, holidays, religion, and culture were all very outsider and she was considered odd by the other kids
  • Straight-A student but very shy and quiet until she was a teen. She was "the European kid" in elementary and middle school who spoke a strange language and ate weird food. Other kids thought food like sarmale (ground meat rolled in cabbage leaves) and braunschweiger (a creamy type of liver spread) and pate were gross–no one wanted to trade lunches
  • After a while asked for money to buy lunches, and was able to do so a couple of times a week. She learned what other kids were eating and asked her mother to make her that. She didn't try a PB&J until after the 1996 Olympics at 14
  • Being singled out made her self-conscious and insecure, and she struggled daily to fit in. All she really knew was that she had a strange last name and parents from a country none of the kids (and few of the adults) could find on a map
  • Had anxiety about saying her last name in public even as a teenager. She remembers panicking at 13 at a USA-Belarus-China competition (the Visa Challenger in 1995) when a reporter asked each of the US team members to introduce themselves. She rehearsed different ways to say her name (pronounced M-oh-chee-ah-noo) and ended up intentionally mispronouncing her name as M-oh-sey-noo. It sounded silly as soon as it came out of her mouth and she regretted it and realized she'd probably disappointed her family too
  • When teachers did roll call, there was always a pause when they came to her name, then their best try which always butchered it
  • Rarely went on play dates or invited anyone over as a child. She was nervous Tata would say or do something to scare them off. He could be charming and friendly, but he was suspicious of "outsiders." Romanian was all she spoke at home.
  • Mama and Tata spoke Greek, Romanian, and English all fairly fluently, with English taking the most effort. She's grateful for speaking Romanian at home now, but she resented it as a child
  • Friends were a constant struggle, but gymnastics was an outlet
• Starting gymnastics
  • Started at age 3 in Highland Park, IL–parents enrolled her in tennis and gymnastics classes. Tennis only lasted one lesson, but she took to gymnastics immediately. She loved the trampoline especially
  • The gym was her haven
  • Looked physically different from other kids as well–huge brown eyes, dark brown, pencil straight hair cut into an old-school Romanian bowl cut, and very, very small. The average five year old is 3'8–a height she didn't reach until almost ten. She was 3'10 and 50 pounds at nine years old. As an Olympian in 1996, she was 4'4 and 70 pounds. Being short wasn't an issue in the gym
  • At 5, Tata decided to move the family to Tampa. New city, new kids, new job for Tata, new gym. She started at LaFleur's Gymnastics, a 40 minute drive from their home in Temple Terrace. Mama didn't seem to mind, especially since they spent most of the drive talking
  • It was much bigger than her gym in Chicago had been–and it had three trampolines.
  • Went several times a week. The gym owners, Jeff and Julie LaFleur and coach Beth Hair were her new coaching team, and they were a wonderful and nurturing triad. Jeff was the primary coach, Julie did dance and floor choreography, and Beth did beam. Learned skills she carried her whole career with them
  • Her early years in gymnastics were magical and hold some of her purest and most inspiring moments in the sport
  • At 7, she started to realize she also had a gift for gymnastics. She started to notice she picked up skills faster, that she had no fear. She heard her coaches quietly telling her parents that she had true natural ability in the sport
  • Her parents believed early on that gymnastics would be her future and were determined to do what it took for her to succeed. They used to tell the clothesline story about that being the moment they knew she'd be a champion gymnast. It still makes her laugh to remember Tata telling the story.
  • Hours increased as her skill level did. By 7, she was training five or six days a week, 25 hours a week. Started as a compulsory gymnast, levels 4-6, and she looked forward to moving on to optionals. She was especially excited to pick her own floor music and have a customized floor routine
  • Went to school until early afternoon, then four hours of practice. Saturdays had gym from 9-1. During the summer it was 9-4, and she often stayed late for Open Gym on Fridays. It was different from other kids, but it was all she knew
  • Jeff was a demanding and structured coach who expected a lot out of his athletes. Dominique's group varied considerably in age, and she worked hard to earn praise and approval every day. Now she appreciates how lucky she was to start her career with a demanding but empathetic coach, and he remains one of the favorite coaches she ever worked with. Jeff treated all his athletes with respect, and she always felt valued. She cannot remember a single time he lost his temper or yelled
  • Jeff had a degree in physical education and a minor in child psychology. He had also competed as an elite-level gymnast. He had perspective from many angles
  • He was also very strong and worked hard to stay fit
  • Looked to Jeff as a positive male role model. Tata was gone most days, working very long hours to support them, and when he was home he was temperamental and moody. She appreciated Jeff's reliable and steady nature
  • Believes her early rapid progress is a testament to Jeff's coaching skills. After a year and half at compulsories, she moved to optionals and increased her training to 32 hours a week. By 9, she had a triple back dismount off bars, a full in on floor, and a yurchenko vault. At the time, she had never seen anyone else her age do a yurchenko full in a tucked and laid out position. He also taught her her Geinger
  • Julie had majored in physical education and minored in dance. She was very sweet and had the patience of a saint. At 8, learning, her first optional routine, Dominique was a terrible dancer, maybe because she was never exposed to much music. Julie patiently worked with her until it was just right. She's still learning from Julie as she reminds herself to have patience with her own students
  • Beth Hair was beautiful with dark brown eyes, bouncy brown curls, and a slender, fit figure. Her nails and makeup were always done. She was a no-nonsense beam coach who demanded a positive attitude and high work ethic and seeming endless repetitions. Beam was initially Dominique's least favorite and worst event, but Beth saw her potential and pushed her. She taught Dominique her BWO-BHS and then her BHS-LOSO. By 8, Beth had her doing BHS-LOSO-BHS, and a RO-BHS step out. She took pride in doing it, even if it was a little scary
  • She was competitive young. By about 3rd grade, she wanted to be the best in every aspect of the sport. Her goal was to work hard to please her coaches and parents and herself. There was no cynicism, just belief in big dreams and championships

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 3, Part 2

• Television
  • When Dominique was 9, Tata decided to call the local news station about her. He always had some wild scheme–sometimes they worked out, sometimes they failed spectacularly. The local sports desk came out to film a feature segment at LaFleurs with a spotlight on Dominique. It was a turning point–the first time she saw the outside world show an interest in what went on inside the gym. She was so happy that people–grown ups–cared enough about the sport to film it
  • Mama's parents, Maia and Papu, had arrived in the States and were living with them. It was nice for Mam, but the apartment was very small and her sister Christina had been born at this point. Tata had his own car dealership and was a natural car salesman. He was now struggling more to support two more people. Maia helped take care of the kids, and Papu sang them Macedonian tunes. He was already 85 and never learned English or Romanian, speaking only Macedonian. Maia, Papu, and her parents would speak in a combination of languages at once, making their house hard to understand
  • On the Channel 10 day, she could hear Papu singing while she tried to pick a leotard for the day, looking for her lucky leo. Both Mama and Tata took her to gym that day, Dominique getting more nervous as they got closer. Tata was buzzing with energy and excitement; Mama was calm and quiet.
  • The camera crews were already setting up when they got there. Dominique tried to do her warmup as usual, but she was worried about making a mistake and disappointing her coaches and Tata.
  • The crew filmed all her events, and Jeff had her demonstrate her most difficult skills on each.
  • Vault was a Yurchenko tucked skill, very advanced for a 9 year old in the 90s. She could actually do it laid out, but she was more comfortable with the tuck. She remembers Tata standing about halfway down the runway, beaming with pride–he didn't see her perform very often, because he was usually working.
  • The news story also interviewed Tata. His name was misspelled as Dimetrius Mocanno in the caption in the story. He talked about having practiced for 11 years in Romania–being a gymnast was supposed to be his profession, but the government wouldn't let him. He came to the US in '79 to escape communism. He talked about how if he had a child, he wanted them to be a gymnast.
  • They also interviewed Dominique, who talked about starting gymnastics at 3 and her goal to reach the 1996 Olympics, because she wanted to win a lot of medals and be on tv a lot.
  • Coach Jeff said Dominique's goals were realistic, that she was currently well ahead of where Kim and Betty had been 3-4 years before the Olympics. He also talked about how Dominique was very quick and a straight-A student.
  • Tata was particularly proud of Dominique's triple back dismount. It was on of the highlights of the day and emphasized on the Sportsline segment that night.
  • Jeff decided it was safest to assist with a light spot that day–he didn't want to risk showing off for the camera. Dominique didn't wear grips–her hands were torn up and calloused, but she figured it made her tough and she felt she had a better hold on the bar without them. She was anxious demonstrating the skill, but she landed it soundly
  • It still amazes her she was able to do such a difficult skill while the cameras were rolling, and she understands now why Tata was so proud. It made her desire to be the best stronger. She can still hear her father's voice saying, "You have to be the best!", with two fist pumps
  • She still values the news story and what it did for her career. She's thankful for the memories and the footage and to Tata for making it happen. A new level of belief in herself clicked that day. She relished other people taking notice of her hard work. She wasn't just the weird little European kid; she was a 1996 Olympic hopeful

 

[QuietColours]

I haven't been able to find the news story, but here's the triple back:

 

[RedBirdie]

It's impressive, but holy cow those giants. People, perfect the basic stuff before having a child throw doubles, let alone triples!

 

[MaryClare]

It's impressive, but holy cow those giants. People, perfect the basic stuff before having a child throw doubles, let alone triples!

sicut erat in principio et nunc et semper et in saecula saeculorum…

 

[Kittentoes]

It's impressive, but holy cow those giants. People, perfect the basic stuff before having a child throw doubles, let alone triples!

I was already a little horrified reading about the skill list, but yikes!

 

[Puffin]

It's impressive, but holy cow those giants. People, perfect the basic stuff before having a child throw doubles, let alone triples!

It perfectly sums up the Romanian attitude to gymnastics - chucks triple backs, but can't do a giant.

At least Dominique had the excuse of being 9 - but we are seeing the same with the current Sabrina/Camelia scenario that she chucks all sorts of really big skills - but I don't think I ever saw her making a proper full turn on ub! (although she seems to have given up ub now)

 

[QuietColours]

It's impressive, but holy cow those giants. People, perfect the basic stuff before having a child throw doubles, let alone triples!

She does talk in the other book about how bad her form and technique were when she arrived at Karolyis and how much she had to relearn. It wouldn't have fit the narrative of this book. She also mentions later in that one that she was never comfortable with the Geinger she talks about learning here.