Landing on My Feet: A Diary of Dreams by Kerri Strug

[QuietColours]

Chapter 9: "I want to know if she's ever going to be able to have a family and hold her children in her arms."
Note: Chapter contains mentions of Larry Nassar and detailed injury descriptions

• People ask her why she puts up with everything, and it's because she loves gymnastics
• Classic 1994
  • She was in the best shape she'd ever been in–she wasn't hurting anywhere, physically or emotionally
  • She was even planning to participate in a Cotillion
  • Arthur, Geza, and Jerry were good for her gymnastics. She had new skills on every apparatus and her difficulty levels were higher than ever. She had a DLO on floor, which she hadn't done since early 1993, and was ending with a full-in. On beam she had a punch front. There was new choreography in her floor. She felt happy about every piece of her career
  • People were predicting it would be Strug and Dawes contending for the title. Shannon was doing Goodwill Games; Borden, Chow, and Phelps were also all there
  • Compulsory bars was never her favorite, but she'd been able to do it without major breaks. Kerri was hoping for a strong start on bars, because bars depends so much on flow and it's so hard to get the rhythm back when there's a break
  • Things were off from the start–she overrotated her first handstand on the high bar, overcompensated as she tried to get back to vertical. When it came to the slips grip maneuver than hop to the high bar, she should have taken an extra swing to regain momentum and swing, but she didn't want the .3 deduction. But she'd already swung too far and lost her grip when she tried to shift, sending her flying into the low bar. She tried to catch it, but she hit her face instead. Her chest and chin hit the floor, and her body jackknifed over them in the wrong direction, her heels hitting the back of her head
  • She felt a tingling in her legs and for a moment she didn't think she could move. She tried to roll on one side and gasped for someone to help her. Arthur and several trainers ran to her, and they told her not to move. Her father ran onto the floor and gave the same instruction, telling her she was going to be all right. She heard her mom on the side saying, "Kerri? Kerri? Are you all right?" Her mother has not been able to watch Kerri compete since then without getting physically ill
  • As they were wheeling her out to the ambulance, someone told her father she would be fine by Championships. It was the wrong thing to say–her father is very even tempered, but he yelled at them that he didn't care if Kerri ever did gymnastics again, he cared if she's going to be able to walk, if she's going to be able to have a family and hold her children
  • Her parents rode with her in the ambulance. She had feeling in her legs through the all ordeal and thought she could move everything all right–the tingling had been brief, and she felt more of a sting in her back. Her father and the EMTs were taking no chances, though. She wore a neckbrace and lay perfectly still the whole time
  • After a round of testing, she was diagnosed with a stress fracture of the L-4 and L-5 vertebrae. She didn't know if that was good or bad–she'd had stress fractures before, but this was a back injury. Her Dad compared previous back Xrays with the new ones with the doctors. They said the stress fractures were probably there before, but the fall made it worse. She told them her back had been sore at Steve's, but there was never real discomfort there and she had been pain-free with Arthur
  • The doctor told her it would keep her out of the gym 6-8 weeks. She felt betrayed by the sport. She thought it might finally be time to quit, and she told her dad she was cursed
• Recovery
  • In hospital for two days because of reoccuring dizzy spells–fainted when stood up
  • Back hurt, but the thought of another 8 weeks of therapy hurt more
  • Miss Val had formally offered her a scholarship at UCLA, and she wondered if she should just go to college
  • When she got home, Arthur and lots of other federation people called to check on her and encourage her to try a comeback–talked about how the sport needed her, the country needed her, and how much she had already overcome. She got a video of the fall, but refused to watch it
  • Often woke up at night with severe back spasms. She would slowly get out of bed and work them out by walking a little bit–she would walk past the attitude quote. Realized she could never change what had happened, but what had pulled her through was her attitude, her family, and her love for the sport.
  • First step back was just getting healthy. She had a very bulky brace for the first two weeks, then a less bulky one for more serious therapy. Bob Wallace, Larry Nassar, and Debbie Van Horn developed a comprehensive PT program for her. Had lots of deep massages, ultrasound treatments, and exercises in the swimming pool, riding a stationary bike, and exercises and stretches. She tried to do a little more each day–she was determined to make it back for World Championship Trials, just six weeks away. When she wasn't in school, she was doing therapy all day every day
  • Big meet she had missed with the stomach injury was the individual Worlds in Brisbane; she was upset about missing Worlds and the chance to go to Australia. The Team Worlds were in Germany. Worlds were in November, World Trials were in September
  • Had therapy with Bob Wallace twice a day. Was willing to try anything that might speed up her recovery. Got people at a local spa/resort to let her use their wave pool. Also tried shiatsu, Jacuzzis, herbal massages, and acupuncture. Doesn't know how much it helped, but she'd try anything
  • Also worked with Dr. Jean Williams, a U of Arizona sports psychologist. Discussed attitude, positive thinking, and focus. She taught her to set small goals and work up from there, and to be realistic about her goals and not compare herself with others.
  • By September she was back in the gym with Arthur and she'd switched to a smaller brace, more like a weightlifting belt. Was soon doing full routines on everything but floor, where the pounding was too much.
• Worlds
  • Did make the Worlds team–was second at Trials. She wasn't 100% and probably did too much too soon
  • Wore a neoprene brace until the day before Worlds began.
  • Was still nervous about compulsory bars. She had worked her way back up the the skill and done it dozens of times, and tried to tell herself it was a freak accident, but it still made her nervous. After warmups, she told herself, "You've worked too hard to fail. You can and you will have a great performance."
  • She made it through the slip grip, which was a huge moment even though only a handful of people there knew it. Because of that she lost concentration and one of her hands slipped on the bar later. She only got a 9.487, but she considers the routine a victory
  • The team was 2nd to Romania after compulsories. People thought they wouldn't be able to hold onto it because Steve pulled Shannon from optionals because of her shin splints, leaving USA with no margin of error. They were an inexperienced team–Kerri and Dominique had both done several Worlds, but it was a first for Borden, Chow, Phelps, and Fontaine. Also, neither Bela or Steve were there–Mary Lee Tracy was the head coach, and she lacked an international reputation. But she did a great job installing confidence, and counted on Dominique and Kerri to lead the team
  • Considers 1994 Worlds a turning point and confidence booster. She helped lead the US to a silver medal. With Russia in 3rd, it was the first time the US had defeated a team from the former USSR in a major competition
  • She was 8th AA
  • Felt like her comeback was complete
  • Signed her UCLA letter of intent and faxed it to Miss Val. Planned to graduate from Green Fields in June and take a year off from school to concentrate on making the 1996 team. She was graduating a year early with straight As, so she didn't feel this would affect her academically. After Atlanta, whether or not she made it, she would go to UCLA and compete collegiately
  • Did the Cotillion and had a great time

 

[irichluck21]

Borden and Fontaine went to Worlds earlier that year in 1994 where she made bars finals and placed 8th.
IIRC, that was a weird format, where all 4 athletes could compete AA in qualifications, but only 3 were deemed "eligible" for event finals and only the top 3 for AA finals.

Fonatine was only eligible on vault, Borden on UB/BB/FX. Miller and Dawes were eligible for all 4 pieces.
Fontaine qualified ahead of Borden and ended up 17th in the AA finals.
Miller made VT/BB/FX
Dawes made UB/BB/FX
Borden made UB

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 10: "Holy cow, he's really back"

• Was in a good place with her life. Graduated in June 1995, was with her family, had a normal high school life, realized how many people really cared about her. But the commuting was very difficult for Arthur, so once again she needed to find a new training situation
• Hadn't competed much since Worlds partly because of school, partly because of her back, and partly because of a ruptured eardrum, which affected her equilibrium for a long time
• New Gym
  • Had heard rumors Bela would unretire for Kim's comeback, but she hadn't talked with Bela or Kim and didn't take the rumors seriously
  • Was between Forster and MLT; went with Forster because Aerials was closer to home. She also had access to the USOC facilities and PTs being in Colorado Springs
  • Tom and Lori were top coaches, but they didn't have much international experience, and they were coaching younger girls–Doni Thompson, Kristy Powell, and Theresa Kulikowski, just coming out of the junior ranks
  • Emphasis was technique, not conditioning and intense training. She got nervous as big meets approached and they weren't training as intensely as she thought they should be. She made suggestions and asked for a timetable for adding new skills to her routines
  • Never developed an appropriate coach-athlete relationship with Tom. It wasn't anyone's fault, it just didn't happen. It was a lot like when she was training as a junior–practice would end and she'd stay behind to do more conditioning, dance, or whatever else needed extra attention. She knew what it took to get to the games, and she wasn't getting it. Tom and Lori were excellent coaches who did well with many athletes, but it wasn't right for her
  • Tom: I'm sorry this isn't Bela's. Kerri: You're right. It's not Bela's.
  • Helped her compete at the Olympic Sports Festival in 1995, where she won AA and UB and was third on beam
• Bela
  • By July, she was hearing more stories about Bela's return. He'd come back to coach a new 13 year old phenomenon, Dominique Moceanu. Kerri knew Dominique from previous training at Bela's. She was talented, competitive, and an excellent junior–she and Jennie Thompson were predicted to be at the top of the next round of Bela's girls. Jennie had moved to Nunno's while Dom stayed at Bela's and worked with other coaches
  • Mentions Dominique's "'96 gold, for sure" signature–she respected the confidence
  • Dominique had won pretty much everything at the junior level and was emerging as a senior. '95 Nationals would be her first senior meet. For Kerri, it would be about her 30th major national or international meet.
  • Seeing Bela on the floor it was like nothing had changed for him. It looked and sounded comforting to her. It was eerie how much awe she still had with Bela. Until she saw him, his comeback wasn't real, but his presence and impact on Dominique was definitely real–she was amazing throughout the competition and was crowned the new star of the sport
• Worlds
  • Still felt she wasn't getting what she needed in Colorado Springs
  • Three Aerials girls qualified to the Worlds team–Kerri, Doni Thompson, and Theresa Kulikowski. Shannon, Mary Beth Arnold, Dominique Moceanu, and Jaycie Phelps rounded out the team. Lori and Tom were getting experience, but the Karolyis already had it
  • Kerri was 4th AA at Worlds Trials–she and Shannon were the only people who had made five worlds at that point
  • Shannon and Dominique were popular stars in Japan when they arrived
  • The 1995 Worlds Team was an actual team. They won bronze (not their goal, but still a success)--there were a lot of young girls on the team, and Dawes and Borden were sidelined with injuries. Kerri made AA finals for the first time ever and finished 7th.
  • She still felt like she wasn't getting what she needed at Aerials. Tom was constantly asking her questions about what to expect and how things were done at Worlds. She was used to the coach having total control in those situations. On vault, he asked her to try a vault she'd only ever done in the pit in training, something she wasn't comfortable with with her injury history. Meanwhile, Bela took full control like he always did–he would walk into the arena and take care of every last detail
  • After the AA, Bela and Martha congratulated Kerri and told her she looked good
• Back to Bela
  • When Kerri went home after Worlds, she talked to her parents about wanting to go back to Bela. They reminded her how tough it would be. It would be her decision, but they made her take the mandatory extra 24 hours to think. She actually spent several days thinking about it, but decided if she was going to take an extra year to prepare for the Olympics, she wanted the best
  • Her mother called Martha and they talked for a long time. Her parents made clear how much had changed since Kerri was 13 and went over everything Kerri had dealt with since 1992. They needed Bela and Martha to stay positive with her and monitor her nutrition and health. Kerri also spoke with them about how things were different now. They promised to be more understanding and accomodating
  • Tom was not pleased, but Kerri tried to be clear that she just felt Bela was a better fit for her as a coach. Tom still criticized her publicly–"One thing we knew when Kerri came here was she certainly displayed the ability to leave." That hurt–Kerri always had a good reason for leaving a gym. She left Bela's because he retired; Brown's when the Browns separated; Nunno's because of her stomach injury; and Gymnastics World because Arthur couldn't continue to commute to coach her. But she had trained at four gyms since she left Bela's
  • Sunshine talked about the bond Kerri had with Bela, and it was true–she wanted grueling workouts on the hard floor, and the thrill of training with Bela and Martha and the thrill when they helped her learn a new skill or or perfect a new routine. She want to feel sore, complain about long, lonely days, and be pushed to the limit. With Bela and Martha, she never felt unprepared
  • Was relieved to know the next six months would be tough. Stepped back in to the shadow of another gymnast–Dominique was already pro, doing endorsements, making appearances, and planning a book. Bela was trying to regulate all the attention to avoid a repeat of Kim, but it was a lot
  • Amazed at the change in her relationship with Bela and Martha. They treated her like a peer. Her relationship with Martha improved dramatically–she was still very tough in the gym, but they spoke more and communicated better. Martha kept telling her, "You have to talk with me. Are you doing okay? You have to tell me how you're doing."
  • Kerri had been afraid of Martha. She hated practicing beam because it was Martha's event. Now they reached an understand, and Martha realized that if Kerri said she needed an afternoon off, she needed an afternoon off and wasn't just trying to dodge a workout. The same was true with Bela, with whom she'd always had a special relationship. They trusted her judgement more
  • They paced her well and worked hard to accommodate her. She thinks it was more than the talk with her parents, that their retirement had changed them and they were more at peace with themselves.
  • That does not mean workouts were easier. Bela was still in charge in the gym. She had to do what they said in the gym, like always. That was one of the reasons she had gone back to Houston.
• Training with Bela
  • Workouts began with running, drills, situps, jumps and long hours. Conditioning and compulsories for hours in the morning, optionals and new skills in the afternoon, choreography and privates at night. She was in the gym from 7:30 AM to 8:00 PM, with naps and PT between workouts. Everything was a test again, everything was business
  • Was training with Dominique, Kim, and Svetlana Boguinskaia. She had moved to Bela's to get the best, toughest training after the break up of the Soviet Union and was trying to make her third Olympics. Contrary to what they thought when they were competing against her, she was a lot of fun with a great sense of humor.
  • The first few weeks were easier because Arthur and Geza were there. Kerri looked at herself surrounded by champions and world class coaches and knew this was what she had come back for
  • Only got two days off for Christmas
  • Stayed with the Seholms, who had a gymnast at Bela's and lived nearby. That made it easier to Kerri to rest between practices. She hadn't done twice a day workouts for nearly two years, and she was a little out of shape because training in Colorado had lacked intensity
  • She got several new skills, including the yurchenko 1.5 she had wanted–she hadn't done it successfully since 1993. It was one of the most difficult vaults in gymnastics and her favorite
  • After one month with Bela, she had her confidence back and was nailing the yurchenko 1.5 every day

 

[RedBirdie]

I wonder why Kerri apparently never considered moving to Pozar's in Sacramento.

 

[QuietColours]

It made her short list after '92, but apparently behind Brown's and Nunno's. I can see why her parents would want her training near home after her experience with Nunno. But it seems like it would have made a lot more sense in 1994 for her to go to California than for Akopyan and Pozar to keep commuting to her.

 

[tempest]

Anyone know what Kerr's vts were n 95? She withdrew from EF because she felt uneasy

 

[RedBirdie]

Kerri did a Hristakieva in 1995. Remember that back then you didn't need two different vaults to qualify to EFs, but EFs required vaults from two different families. US gymnasts we're notorious for almost never training a second vault.

Guessing Kerri's "second vault" was a Phelps. Maybe it was a FHS front tuck or pike.

 

[Matilda23]

Kerri on BB in 93 had the FF BF 2 foot layout series. I preferred that to her usual FF layout layout as her legs were quite bent in the layout stepouts. I wonder why she stopped competing it? Did she only do it in 93? She did it at 93 American Cup.

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 11: "I am Kerri Strug"
Note: Chapter contains mentions of Larry Nassar. Chapter gives exact weights for athletes.

• Kerri wasn't the 'scared little bird' anymore. She thinks the transformation began at the 1994 Team World Championships when she and Dawes helped an inexperienced team win silver. By the time she was 7th AA and winning the team bronze in 1995, she wasn't leaving her best routines in the gym anymore
• She had grown up–she knew how to compete and focus on herself during meets. She had her sports psych, her family,and she'd already seen pretty much everything and overcome it. Nothing on the gymnastics floor scared her anymore
• The only obstacle left was winning. She hadn't won a major international elite competition since she was a junior. Lots of 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th places, but when she flew out to American Cup in 1996, she had still never won
• American Cup 1996
  • Was less than 5 months before the Olympics. 40 gymnasts from 22 countries. Svetlana was there competing for Belarus
  • Dominique was also going, but just for interviews–she had heel pain and lingering pain in her shins. Shannon was out because of her wrist, so the competition was getting as much attention for who wouldn't be there as who would
  • Bela told the reporters Kerri had nothing to prove here- she could easily win and go on to win in the Olympics, but she had already had a great athletic career. He hoped she did win, because she deserved to have the light shine on her
  • Hadn't competed much since she had rejoined Bela–another indication of how Bela and Martha had changed since 1992. Then, they had peaked too early, so he was pacing their competition schedule better for 1996. They would skip Worlds in April and some other competitions–they would show skills and routines early, then peak for National Championships and the Olympic Trials in July
  • Started a new diary in March 1996. She had stopped keeping on when things were hard in 1994 and 1995, but she needed to be able to talk through things with the Olympics so close
  • She had great routines on vault, bars, and beam and went into floor just behind Chuso. Chuso hit her last event, vault, and Svetlana, who was in third, bobbled a bit on her floor. Kerri was the last competitor of the night, and she nailed her routine, getting the highest score of the night (9.775)
  • She felt a bond with the crowd she'd never felt before. Bela told her it was the best he'd ever seen her. Later, they talked about how it was the first time she'd come from behind to take over a meet.
  • She remained calm the next day and repeated her performances to win the AA for the first time as a senior. She won every event in the AA competition and ended floor with a 9.837, the highest score of the weekend
  • Her coaches, friends, and family were excited for her. She knew people would discredit her victory because Dominique and Shannon weren't there, but she didn't care–she knew what she'd been through to get to this point. Svetlana was 2nd, and Chuso was 3rd. She won $5,000 in prize money, but didn't accept it so she could keep her amateur status
• After American Cup
  • Moved out to the ranch, which she's never really liked–she hated being so isolated and immersed in only gymnastics. It helped when her mom came to visit
  • By late March, Kim realized she couldn't make the comeback she wanted and left. A couple of weeks later, Svetlana left to train with her team in Belarus. It was just Dominique, Kerri, Bela, and Martha.
  • Bela added a third workout to the day. Now they had stretching, running, and conditioning from 7:30-9; optional routines from 11:30-12:00; and compulsories, running, and conditioning from 5-8. It was the same every day except Saturday, where there were only two workouts, and it got to be very difficult. She would workout, nap, work out, nap, PT, workout, sleep. She kept telling herself she just had to make it through that one day. Each day was a competition in itself, and she kept a countdown of days til Atlanta in her diary
  • In April, Bela gave them a break and she went home for 36 hours
  • The big Olympic push began the first week of June
• Championships
  • Top 14 athletes would qualify for Trials. Kerri and Dominique were peaking at the right time
  • Could have scored a little better, but she was happy with confident, hit routines that put her in 5th behind Shannon, Jaycie, Dominique Moceanu, and Amanda.
  • It was becoming clear that experience and talent would be on their side in Atlanta if they were healthy. Shannon had her wrist and Dominique Moceanu had a stress fracture in her right leg, and they were having a hard time getting over their injuries. They both scratched apparatus finals at Championships. Amanda and Jaycie also scratched with minor injuries. Dawes and Kerri were the only ones who competed everything
  • She liked the direction the sport was heading. In 1992, five of the seven athletes had been 16 or younger; they averaged 4'9 and 83 pounds. Of the top six finishers at Nationals in 1996, only Dominique Moceanu was under seventeen; only Kerri and Dominique M were not at or near 5'0 (Kerri was 4'9.5), and the average weight was closer to 90 pounds. Shannon, Amanda, and Dominique D. were all 19, Kerri was 18. She thought that age and experience brought a lot of integrity back into the sport. And even as older, mature athletes they kept a lot of difficulty, even though it led to a lot of nagging injuries
  • The worst injuries going into Trials were Shannon and Dominique M. She knew from watching Dominique every day that her shins were really bothering her, and it was a lot like Kim in 1992 with her suffering a bad injury at a bad time. She could also tell from competitions that Shannon was having a hard time with her wrist. For Kerri, her left ankle and shin were beginning to hurt a lot. Her right shin hurt a little, but she could feel constant strain in her left leg.
• Houston
  • Bela rearranged their schedule back to two practices a day, but added a workout on Sunday so Kerri could no longer go out to her Aunt and Uncle's house. She wasn't pleased–it was a lot of work with no rest. One day there was a power outage, but they still practiced in the dark gym.
  • Kerri knew her body needed at least one day a week to rest, so she decided to talk to Bela and Martha, telling them she needed to take a day off. They agreed–ten days before Trials, they gave her the day off. They trusted her judgement.
  • Her shins were beginning to hurt a lot, and she never got a break in the gym because by June, Dominique couldn't really workout much because of her stress fracture. There were four coaches–Bela, Martha, Arthur, and Geza–and Kerri.
  • Nassar was visiting, so he looked at her legs and thought she only had sore tendons and muscles. He left some therapy machines at the ranch and showed her how to use them. But two days before Trials the pain was still very bad
  • Apart from the pain, though, she was doing well. She was hitting consistently and had great strength. Before Trials they had a verification–just Kerri competing, all the campers and coaches watching. She hit everything. Just before the verification, she found out Shannon and Dominique were petitioning to the team instead of competing at Trials. Their Championships scores would stand for their Trials scores, so there were basically only five spots on the team
• Trials
  • Got to Boston feeling like the one to beat, but her left ankle was really hurting–she thought it was the tendons. But she could block it out
  • Like at American Cup, the athletes not competing were getting more attention than the ones who were competing.
  • Of the people competing, lots of athletes looked strong–Borden, Chow, Dawes, Phelps, Thompson. Everyone had a legitimate chance. The atmosphere was intense–if you didn't hit here, it was the end of your dream.
  • Kerri couldn't believe how calm and confident she was in compuslories, where she hit everything
  • For optionals, she hadn't seen her parents because she liked to keep to herself. She could see the tension in Bela's face. Her left leg hurt. But once she saw the green light on vault she didn't feel as nervous anymore. She got a 9.95 there. She ended up with the highest optional score and had the beam routine of her life (9.825)
  • Shannon and Dominique came down from the stands and joined Kerri, Jaycie, Amanda, Dominique, and Amy.
  • The press conference afterwards is mostly a blur. Someone asked the difference between being on the 1992 and 1996 teams. She said the goals are definitely higher now, and since they were competing in the US the expectations were higher
  • Bela was extremely complimentary about her performance, talking her up to the reporters–he realized that with Shannon and Dominique were getting so much attention, the media, fans, and NBC hadn't noticed she'd had the top optional score
  • He said she was a pleasure to work with and thought differently about her career than others did–she did it for herself and the pride of her country, even when she has been in the shadows for years, and he hoped she got the spotlight in Atlanta.
  • Kerri had assumed Bela and Steve would be the coaches, so she was surprised it was Martha as head coach with MLT–she thought it was a nice gesture for USAG to finally give Martha her due. Bela was very proud of her–it was the perfect night for all of Bela's girls
  • Her goals were a team gold, an individual AA medal, and an even final medal

 

[RedBirdie]

Fascinating how Kerri talks about Bela and Marta being better at pacing them, and then turns around to talk about doing three practices a day(!) with no days off, and struggling with injuries that are clearly from overtraining.

 

[KristyJ]

Anyone know what Kerr's vts were n 95? She withdrew from EF because she felt uneasy

The book says Forster didn't have her training it consistently and she'd only done it into the pit recently. With her injury history she didn't want to risk it.

 

[Puffin]

The book says Forster didn't have her training it consistently and she'd only done it into the pit recently. With her injury history she didn't want to risk it.

I smiled at Kerri's description of Forster not really knowing what he was doing - it had a strong sense of deja vu of his time as National Team Coordinator

 

[irichluck21]

The Hristakeva was valued at 9.900 in 1995.
Her second vault was a handspring front tuck valued at 9.700.

 

[tempest]

I think she was doing a phelps as her 2nd vt in 96(but as far as I know, no vid had ever surfaced from 96 US champ EF)... was that the vt that he wanted her to do?

 

[RedBirdie]

I searched high and low for video of 1996 nationals EFs yesterday and had zero luck. I know they were broadcast, but finding them seems impossible.

I may have recorded it on VHS, but no idea what may have happened to the tape. Might still be in a box in the basement of the house I grew up in, but no way I'll be able to obtain it.