Off Balance: A Memoir

[QuietColours]

Chapter 7: Jennifer

• Early Childhood
  • Born in Salem, IL on Oct 1, 1987. Grew up in Hardinville, IL, a tiny town near the Indiana border. It had a four way stop with stop signs are the center of town and no stoplights
  • Was adopted in the first few months by Sharon and Gerald Bricker. Having met them, Dominique describes them as some of the most kind hearted and down to earth people she's ever met. They had three sons, Brad, Brian (Bubba), and Greg, and had always wanted a fourth child, a daughter. Sharon wasn't able to have more children, so they decided to adopt
  • The boys were 14, 12, and 10 when Jennifer was adopted, and they were excited and enthusiastic about having a sister. She was the princess of the family and they were very protective of her, but they didn't treat her like she was delicate–they taught her to be tough, rowdy, and bold.
  • That she was born without legs was never considered a handicap to the Brickers, and Jennifer participated in every sport, game, or adventure. She jumped off things, climbed trees, did flips and handstands. She credits her brothers with teaching her to be fearless
  • Sharon had retired from the bakery she'd worked at when the boys were young and was now a stay-at-home mom available to care for Jennifer full time. Gerald worked as a carpenter and at an oil refinery. They had minor arguments, but talked out their problems so there was never lingering tension at home
  • Dominique wishes her parents had talked things out–they either fought or didn't talk at all. Tense moments were more common than peaceful ones. Many of her and Christina's childhood memories include fear, sadness, and occasional threats of violence.
  • Sharon would wake around 5 or 6, fix breakfast (bacon, eggs, and toast), get the boys off to school, and spend the day with Jennifer. She was an even-tempered, happy woman who liked taking care of the house while Gerald worked
  • Gerald was "a strong man's man, with a sensitive side." Hardheaded, strong willed, and compassionate. Whenever she had an argument with her parents and stormed off to her room as a teen, he would always come up to talk to her. "Can we be friends" her dad would ask to kick of the conversation
  • Dominique compares this to her father's ruling the house with an iron fist, and acknowledges it was very much him reliving the kind of household he had grown up in. She says it doesn't excuse it, but it does give her a better understanding of Tata.
  • Dominique remembers thinking in her first conversation with Jennifer, "Thank God someone was watching over her, so she didn't have to suffer like Christina and I did."
• School
  • Attended elementary school in another small town, Oblong
  • Other kids obviously noticed she was different–using a wheelchair naturally drew attention. Jennifer answered their questions with "This is the way God made me." It was what her parents had told her and what she believed
  • No one treated her differently at home–she participated in every activity, had chores and responsibilities just like her brother. She didn't expect special treatment at school either
  • The other kids got used to her quickly, so much so they sometimes forgot she didn't have legs
  • Growing up she sometimes used prosthetic legs that had been specially designed for her, but ultimately she decided they slowed her down and stifled her
  • Her four story high school had no elevator. She climbed the stairs like everyone else and had a wheelchair stashed on each floor in case she needed it
  • To Jennifer, having no legs means that she may have to do what everyone else does a bit differently, but it never occurred to her not to do those things
  • Jennifer is a natural athlete like Mama. She loves sports and always participated in every activity she was offered. She did softball, basketball, volleyball, gymnastics, and tumbling. Sometimes her parents would have to alter her equipment to allow her to play, but they always figured it out. When she wanted to rollerskate, her parents made makeshift skates she could attach to her hands
  • She was lucky to always have teachers who supported her, with a special note to her 5th grade teacher Mrs. Sweat–an eccentric woman who reinforced her family's lessons about standing up for yourself even when it feels like the world is against you
  • When she was 11 they went to Holiday World in Indiana.
    • After waiting hours to ride a roller coaster, she was turned away at the front of the line because she didn't reach the height requirement. She felt this was unfair because she was large enough to be properly secured by the harness–her body was actually bigger than many of the children on the ride. If she'd been wearing her prosthetic legs, she would have met the requirements. The operators didn't consider any of that–she didn't meet the requirements, period
    • The next day at school she told the story. Mrs. Sweat spent a good part of the day teaching about discrimination and why it's wrong. Jennifer was taken aback and deeply thankful for this lesson
  • Growing up with three brothers, she was a complete daredevil. She scared her parents by jumping off their second story spiral staircase onto the couch. She take a book and climb the big tree in the backyard and read for hours
• Gymnastics
  • Was always a fan of gymnastics and loved watching it on TV. She was particularly drawn to Dominique–the littlest gymnast on the floor. Dominique reminded Jennifer of herself–they were petite, with dark hair and eyes and striking facial features, and Jennifer knew she was also of Romanian descent
  • Jennifer watch all of Dominique's meets, read books and articles about her, and told her family she was going to meet her one day
  • When she was in second grade, she told her parents she wanted to be a gymnast, and they enrolled her in gymnastics classes, then tumbling classes
  • This coincided with the 1996 Olympics. Jennifer told Dominique that watching her succeed even though she was so young and tiny compared to her peers inspired her to start competing. She excelled at tumbling, competing over the next four years and winning various competitions at her age level
  • By the time she was 12, Jennifer was a small-town her through her tumbling feets, having participated in four state meets and winning the State Championships once, as well as competing in three national meets and one Junior Olympic meet.
  • In high school, she decided she'd done all she wanted to in the sport of tumbling, and she wanted to do high school things like hang out with friends
  • Her positive outlook has been an inspiration for Dominique, even in the short time she's known her. Life isn't an obstacle, it's an opportunity

 

[QuietColours]

Chapter 8: Olympian

• Lead up
  • The most demanding and stressful time in her career
  • Training was a nightmare. Pushed herself as hard as she could and felt like she could never please Bela and Marta. She told herself they were just trying to get 100% out of her, but they were so out of tune where she was mentally, emotionally, and physically that it was having the opposite effect
  • She was already fiercely competitive and focused on her goal and had been since her first media interview at age nine. She did truly love gymnastics and was devastated by feeling apprehensive every time she walked into the gym
  • She was so afraid of making mistakes and getting reprimanded, and the joy slipped away. Bela would threaten to call Tata whenever she made a mistake–he knew he had total control over her, and he used that control to intimidate her, not to motivate her
  • Her routines were packed with difficulty, but her fears weren't about executing them, they were about Bela and Marta berating her. Her routines were near perfect. She did six compulsory beam routines in the morning and six optional routines in the afternoons and there were weeks where she didn't miss a single one–her record was three weeks without a fall on beam. But she felt the pressure every moment to not have one mistake, because it could set Bela and Marta off and erase everything she'd done up to that moment
  • Every move was monitored by Bela and Marta around the clock, every day.
  • She is very thankful for Kerri. She thinks she would have gone crazy without her. They were good training partners, with unwavering work ethics who pushed each other. Kerri was four years older and they didn't have much in common outside of gymnastics, but their time together built a friendship for later as adults
  • Kerri was also quiet, shy, and a rule follower. She had trained with Bela and Marta in the lead up to 1992, and then returned in 1996. She can't speak to Kerri's experience because they were different than hers, but she noticed right away Kerri was treated differently by the Karolyis
    • They used a softer tone and had a base level of respect
    • She figured they just liked Kerri more as a person
    • They did ride Kerri too, but there was a different undercurrent. Dominique and Kerri bonded over moments of the Karolyis being unreasonable
    • Years later Kerri explained that her parents had talked to Bela and Marta prior to her returning to train with them, making it clear they couldn't treat Kerri "the way you used to". Dominique wishes her parents had been like that
  • Often after long training sessions she'd feel let down by the Karolyis, Tata, and even Mama. Her parents were prideful, hardworking people who'd put their trust in the Karolyis, leaving Dominique little space for voicing difficulties at the gym. Her family already had enough stress with Tata's mood swings and financial strains
  • She doesn't think the Karolyis ever thought much of her family. They were just poor Romanian immigrants who hung on their every word and did a lot of ass kissing. Mama always made herself available to try to get Dominique in their good graces. By American standards it would have looked like bribery, but to Mama it was just expected behavior
  • Tata did his part as well. He'd pull strings at his work at the car dealership for Bela. She knew he felt taken advantage of sometimes–she overheard him talking about being used by the Karolyis, but he always stopped as soon as he noticed she was listening
  • Bela would tell them if they didn't like it, they could take Dominique elsewhere, they didn't need her. Tata believed the Karolyis had the political power to put their gymnasts on the Olympic team. It was too late to transfer somewhere else, and they had already uprooted their family for this
  • Even at 14 she knew she had to find a way to hold onto her passion. She'd dream about Alexandrov walking through the door and cry herself to sleep wishing she could train with him again. She remembered the advice he'd given her
  • As much as she felt Bela and Marta treated her with disdain, she kept trying to gain their approval
  • Bela and Tata seemed a lot alike, with bad tempers. She feared both of them, tried to please them, knew they would never be satisfied. She can't remember a single time either one ever said, "I'm proud of you." The Karolyis believed praise limited progress and motivation
  • She resented the added pressure of walking on eggshells at the gym
• Nationals
  • She started suffering from chronic sharp leg pains in her right shin. It had been an issue for months and worsened leading up to Nationals in June
  • The Karolyis did not alter her training to accomodate her injury. She'd seen them push other hurt gymnasts and worked up the courage to tell them soemthing was wrong a couple of times, but was always dismissed, that nothing was really wrong with her
  • During podium training she had to literally grit her teeth to stop from crying out on each turn. If she winced, she got in trouble for making faces. During warm ups, she fell face first on an easy pass–her leg didn't have the stability it should have.
  • An hour before she was supposed to leave for the competitive arena, she was called into a parent-coach meeting. She was terrified
  • Bela asked if she wanted to compete while Marta, Tata, and Mama stared at her. She just stared back at Bela. He never asked her input on anything, and now he was asking her if she wanted to compete at Nationals. At 14, she didn't recognize the malicious sarcasm. She finally nodded. She knew she was trapped anyway
  • The actual event is a blur. The pain was there, but adrenaline kicked in. She ended up third AA after making uncharacteristic minor mistakes on vault and bars that probably cost her the gold. She was disappointed but still had total confidence she would have done better if she were healthy
  • Bela didn't see it that way. "That was NO GOOD, Domi. That was NO GOOD," Bela barked at me after my uneven bar routine. His comments, seeped with disgust, cut. Considering how difficult it was for her to put weight on her leg, she thought he'd at least see honor in that she had competed without any major falls and that she'd pushed through injury to finish 3rd.
  • He conveniently acted concerned about it for a few minutes while the cameras were filming on the sidelines
  • The injury was not addressed after returning to the ranch. They were given one day's rest then they were back in the gym, and the leg pain was more significant. The floor was old, hard, and barely sprung.
  • The leg finally gave out on a switch straddle and she collapsed in front of Bela and Marta and Kerri. Her primary focus was fear–so she forced herself up quickly and tried again, but the same thing happened. She simply couldn't push off the leg.
    • Marta made a disgusted face and said something Dominique didn't understand. Bela told her to stop playing the fool. Dominique was trembling–she knew they were going to call Tata
    • Marta squeezed the back of her neck with her nails and pushed Dominique to her office. She was talking, but Dominique's head was spinning and she couldn't make herself understand
    • "Let's call your parents. Maybe your leg is broken!" Marta announced loudly
    • The threat to call her parents always terrified her. She wasn't sure if she was more afraid of Bela or Tata, but she knew having both of them mad at her at the same time was lethal. She was slightly less afraid of Marta, because she was one of Marta's favorite beam workers, so Marta would give her the benefit of the doubt

 

[QuietColours]

• Olympic Team
  • An X-ray and MRI revealed a four centimeter stress fracture in her right tibia five weeks before the Olympic Games. It was the kind of diagnosis that destroyed dreams, and she was panicked, afraid she wouldn't heal in time for the Olympics
  • She was also relieved to finally get treatment on her leg
  • It was awful seeing the days go by as she conditioned on the sidelines. Eventually she trained bars, without dismounts. She had to stop vaulting and floor completely for a couple of weeks, riding the stationery bike for endurance
  • At first she bought into Bela's accusations and blamed herself for the injury. But when she really thought about it, she realized she had done exactly what her coaches had told her every day, all day. She was made at herself for not being more persistent about the issue being addressed earlier. She knew prevention and quick treatment were key to staying healthy
  • She was unable to compete at Olympic Trials and had to petition onto the team.
  • Teammates
    • Shannon was also injured and having to petition onto the team. She didn't know Shannon well at the time–she was 5 years older, with lots of National, World, and Olympic medals and had been Dominique's main competition at Nationals–the media had run hard on their "rivalry". She remembers being taken aback by how Shannon would cry openly during practice when she was such a steely competitor–she was living proof you could show emotion and still be a good athlete and competitor
    • Jaycie Phelps, who had placed second at Nationals, was immediately throwing into the mix of key Olympic hopefuls. She had blue eyes, a bouncy blonde ponytail, brick abs, and gorgeous toe point on bars. Dominique didn't watch her competitors at meets, by Jaycie was a consistent force and Dominique thought she'd be named to the team. She didn't get to know Jaycie well until after the Olympics on the tour.
    • Aside from Kerri, Dominique rarely had a chance to talk with the other Mag 7 athletes because they were all spread out training in different gyms and only saw each other at competitions, and Dominique was strictly monitored at competitions. Kerri and Dominique had to sit with the Karolyis at their meals, while the other girls sat together.
    • Amanda was friendly and outgoing and nurturing. Everyone on the team worked hard, but she remembers thinking Amanda wanted it more than anyone after having just missed the team in 1992.
    • She often wondered what the others thought of her. She wanted to be friends, but she was much younger
    • Amy was talented and intelligent and made things look effortless, doing tricks everyone else could only dream of, especially on bars. She was a force in her own right and solidified her spot after showing grit when she fell on her head on beam and still finished the routine. She was a calm but fierce competitor who also managed to be a great pianist, and Dominique wasn't surprised she decided to study medicine. Amy also got involved in pole vaulting and diving after gymnastics
    • She also admired the relationship Amy had with her coaches, Diane Amos and Mark Young from West Valley Gymnastics. They did a great job preparing Amy and allowing her to rest and recover so she'd be ready for competition. Amy was the only one who didn't work out twice a day at home, and they didn't let the Karolyis bully them into changing their training style at the Olympics.
      • One practice during podium training, Marta started practice five minutes early. Amy and her coaches got to the gym and Marta yelled at them for being late. Amy started to cry, and Diane responded, "Don't you ever yell at my athlete or treat her that way. She is not late. You started early!" Diane was livid at Marta
    • Dominique Dawes was upbeat, positive, and movie-star beautiful, muscular and graceful. She had a back-and-forth tumbling pass and had been in the 1992 Olympics with Kerri and Shannon. She thought it was cool that there were two Dominiques on the team, especially since the name was somewhat uncommon. They'd both win titles in 1994, and they'd posed together on the cover of International Gymnast.
  • Meals were awful
    • Kerri and Dominique barely spoke
    • After the humiliation at 1995 Worlds and other spontaneous weigh-ins and interrogations, she was very insecure about her body. Every bite made her feel self conscious
    • Bela and Marta ate as much as they wanted of whatever they wanted. Dominique and Kerri were expected to eat very small portions of pre-approved foods. Every once in a while a trainer or physician would feel sorry for her and sneak her some food or a treat
    • Bela and Marta would eye her up and down when she was stripped down to her leotard, making constant comments about her physique. She believed she was fat, weighing 70 pounds at 14. For many coaches, it seems to be par for the course to keep their athletes light at all costs. Several other coaches she's worked with stressed weight. Some were just less extreme than the Karolyis
    • She would obsess and crave foods. On a few occasions, she hid food and ate it in secrecy. No matter how well she listened, she was still scolded and humiliated and made to feel worthless, stupid, and fat
    • Kerri and Dominique would talk about how they were going to indulge in food after the Olympics
    • Mama was concerned Dominique was malnourished and came up to the ranch to cook her meals that summer. It meant everything to Dominique. She rarely got to see Christina, who stayed with Maia and Papu, and she missed her desperately
• Team Finals
  • The US was in second place on the final day of competition. The team was diverse–socioeconomically and ethnically, reflecting the face of America.
  • Knew they had to win gold in front of the home crowd
  • She was happy they would begin on bars and end on vault, one of her strongest events.
  • They were neck and neck with the Russians. It initially looked like the competition would be between Russia and Romania, but the US kept hitting. She could tell things were going well by the crowds–she didn't need to watch the routines
  • Bars went well for the team. She did one of her best routines and was proud to stick the landing
  • She was second to last up on beam. Everyone else hit their sets and she needed to too. She started with her shoulder role mount, always a crowd pleaser. She hit a great routine with a stuck dismount
  • Bela was not on the floor, but was watching from a nearby security area. "Good, little piggy." "Little piggy" was so random, but he seemed genuinely pleased so she figured it was his idea of a compliment. She was feeling good and pleased her leg was holding out
  • She was excited to perform her floor to "The Devil Went Down to Georgia". The song was selected by Bela, who said he heard it while driving and immediately called Geza. Dominique never had much say in her music, so she was pleased to get a fun, upbeat, energetic song. She hit one of the best routines of her life and could see her coaches were cheering her performance
  • Rotating to vault, she could see the US was in first, with a narrow margin of Russia and Romania
  • The team was strong and consistent on vault, so she figured they were ending on a high note. She knew she could do her vault with no problem, even with the decreased training. She waited on the sidelines–she'd learned early that you never relax in a competition until the last element of the last routine
  • She saluted, ran, vaulted, and was stunned to find herself sitting down. She quickly saluted and walked back down the runway. Marta didn't have any advice for her—she and MLT both look stunned as well. Dominique looked around–she needed someone to tell her what to fix--she couldn't place what had happened and she was in shock. She looked at Bela, who said, "Stronger, Domi." That didn't make sense to her, because her first vault had been very powerful. Bela often said things when the cameras were rolling that weren't meant to be helpful, just to make him look enthusiastic and involved
  • She wished Alexandrov were there
  • She went a second time, focused on sticking the landing. Later, she realized that focusing on sticking was the wrong approach–she should have focused on making the landing. She fell again. The crowd was shocked too.
  • She felt like she had let everyone down. She couldn't believe she'd worked so hard for an Olympic dream and this was how it ended. MLT patted her on the back, but didn't say anything. What could she say? Marta said, "Two times? Too bad." and did the neck squeeze. Bela and Marta barely said anything to her for the rest of the day or or night, acting like she didn't exist. Dominique took it hard
  • Amanda hugged her and told her not to worry about it, and all her other teammates came over to offer support.
  • She put her wrist guards away and watched Kerri. Kerri fell too. The entire arena was silent, in shock.
  • Kerri looked like she had injured her ankle. Dominique didn't know what to think. Kerri looked like she was in shock walking back up the runway. The entire team had nagging injuries, some worse than others–they looked elderly, hobbling back to their rooms after practice. They had to be tough and push there. Kerri did that.
  • She'd never seen anyone land a vault like Kerri's second vault. At first the arena was ecstatic, then concerned. The paparazzi swarmed Kerri to capture every expression of pain as she was carried out of the arena. Dominique knew how tough Kerri was—if she was in too much pain to walk, it had to be bad.
  • The team score was posted, they won, the crowd was chanting "USA!"

 

[QuietColours]

• Medals
  • She was struggling to absorb the last ten minutes as they waited for the medal ceremony. She'd performed three of the best routines of her life, but she couldn't shake the disappointment of the fall. A single nod or hug from Bela or Marta would have meant the world to her, but they looked right past her.
  • She wasn't sure if she deserved to smile as she received her medal
  • Jaycie asked her what was wrong, and she told her she was worried about what her father was going to say. Word had pretty much spread through the gymnastics community about her father at that point. "Come on, Dominique! We just won the gold medal! Be happy!" Jaycie said. Dominique wished she could feel like her and felt separate, watching her teammates hug and celebrate.
  • Maybe she didn't deserve to be happy
  • Writing that as an adult, it's absurd. She deserved the medal and deserved to be happy. She contributed some of the highest scores on three events. But at fourteen she believed she had to be perfect to deserve happiness
  • She always appreciated Jaycie trying to comfort her
  • As they walked to the podium, Bela appeared carrying Kerri, her leg splinted. For a moment, she thought he might actually stay on the podium while they received their medals. The media ate it up. She didn't believe he cared about Kerri or her leg–he was putting on a show to get in the limelight, and she was relieved when he put Kerri down
  • The crowd was joyous, supportive of the US victory over Russia and the former Eastern Bloc.
  • She found Tata in the crowd, his camera around his neck. Mama, Christina, and Janice were there somewhere too
  • The team rallied for one final hug and they were escorted to the VIP press box where their parents were waiting–it was time to face Mama and Tata. She knew she wouldn't be met with the enthusiasm her peers would but she wasn't sure exactly what to expect
  • Mama and Tata's glum faces said it all. She thought they had to be proud on some level. "What happened on your vaults?" was the first thing Tata said. Mama did hug her and whisper "Good job," but she saw the grief in her eyes.
  • That night they had a post Olympic party at planet Hollywood hosted by Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. Dominique was starstruck. Food was being passed around and Dominique realized she was starving, but she only took small portions. She was back in the gym in the morning.
• Individual Finals
  • Dominique had qualified in AA and beam; Dawes in vault, floor, bars, and AA; Shannon in vault, beam, and AA; Amy in bars. Kerri had qualified too, but was unable to compete because of her injury–Dominique's AA spot was actually the one Kerri had to withdraw from.
  • She dreaded being with the Karolyis in training, but practice turned out to be low spirited and uneventful.
  • Her goal for the AA finals was to stick her vaults, and she nailed it. She was fourth on floor and fell on her head in the beam final, so she didn't win an individual medal. But she was satisfied she'd stuck that vault landing
  • Heading to breakfast on the morning of the gala, she stopped by Bela and Marta's room to say "Good morning," as she'd been taught to. No one answered. Someone coming down the hall noticed and told her the Karolyis had left. They hadn't said good bye
  • She wasn't able to attend either opening or closing ceremonies, which she regrets
  • The broadcast of the competition was taped delayed, so the commentary was done via voice over. The results were already in the books. The network played up the drama of Kerri's vault, leading viewers to believe the US only took gold because of it, when the team scores were actually cinched by Dominique. She didn't realize this until a fan told her during the post-Olympic tour
  • This made her realize Tata probably also knew this–he was good at math and always calculated the scores in his head before they were posted. Her mother later confirmed this, but they didn't bother to tell her at the time
  • She will always be grateful to the part she had in the historic moment. She respects each of her teammates because they worked tirelessly toward this goal and came together to win–it will bond the team forever. Winning gold with them was magnificent

 

[RedBirdie]

The Karolyis being petulant little brats and abandoning their gymnasts at the Olympics again?

 

[QuietColours]

I mean, not exactly shocked. Kerri, I note, did not bother mentioning it